retrospectively shitty

Sometimes I only discover retrospectively that I have been feeling shitty. I mean, I realised that my institution of work was getting me down and that I wasn't talking to my family and obsessing about shining my sink but it was only today when, after yoga class, I re-entered my house in near-tears that it hit me: I haven't been just feeling a bit bad but really shitty. To stop myself spiralling downwards into the black dog's maws, I rang a friend and went out for lunch, and then I went and spent money on the new Gorillaz CD - to which I am currently listening with earphones. I really like it!

Gorillaz
I like it because it's so eclectic and pastichey. I have a soft spot for that post-modern moment of pastiching, and here I can recognise about three references to other songs or song styles in every number. And there must be even more because I'm not all that knowledgeable about music, after all. Some songs are Bowie/Beatles, others are punky, others are Dylan/Disco backing vocals (!), others are rappy, others funky. And duh, I only learned about two weeks ago that this 'band' is a virtual construct. But that is also kind of interesting! Thank you, thejennabides, *g*, who ages ago alerted me to the existence of the Gorillaz by citing one of their songs as the theme tune of Wrong to Love You.

Shittiness again
It's a real struggle coping with work. The place is getting worse and worse. It is deeply corrupt, it makes me sick to the soul. I am realising that I spend 80 percent of my daily energy ration on coping with the place: building an armour of zen-sayings and power-suits and carefully-packed-lunches and more self-motivating-sayings and mental-attitudes. Still, every time I open an email I have virtually to do breathing exercises. I hate that! And if the place doesn't value you, it's hard to keep on valueing yourself.

Anyway, that's all I wanted to say. Once you realise what's bugging you, it's already a bit better.