Wainthropp: The Book

[lobelia321]

Be prepared to be shocked. The ELF has left no stone unturned to bring you outrageous revelations about the book which Hetty Wainthropp (apparently...??) is based on.

It is called "Missing Persons", by David Cook.



In the book, Geoffrey is *sixteen* (and looks 13)! He is a teenage runaway who loses his virginity almost as soon as he is introduced, and runs around wearing a nose stud, spiked-up multi-coloured punk hair, make-up and even: girls' dresses!

Geoffrey was born in 1967 which means the whole thing is set in 1983 which makes it alright for Mr W to have been in t'war.

Hetty is a gin-toting old debauchee herself; in the pages I scanned she helps herself to plenty of: Dubonnet (what is that, btw??), brandy, whisky and Sainsbury's Pink Champagne. She also "pinches" Geoff's bottom!

Robert Wainthropp just sits around and sleeps, and goes off to fart now and again.

Here are some extracts:

- Geoffrey runs away to London and falls in with two 15-year old girls and an overweight 14-year old gay boy called George. The girls know a trainee hairdresser who uses them to practise on. "With each change of appearance, George changed his name and sometimes his gender, but in or out of make-up, with green hair or with blue, Geoffrey always remained Geoff ... and anyway, so many young men of his generation had taken up transvestism as a hobby; the competition was fierce."

"On the third day of his first week in London, Geoffrey lost his virginity to the taller of the Bristol girls, and thn again half an hour later to the shorter."

There is mention of the "baleful over-activity of his sebaceous glands".

Geoff had "new clothes, scarlet Afro-curls and emerald eye-shadow". The "duties he performed in rota every morning, afternoon and evening were beyond what most sixteen-year-old males were called upon to do, and Geoffrey was small for his age."

There is talk about how Robert had not paid Hetty any "attention" (meaning had sex) after the arrival of "her third".

"The allotment took it all out of him .. He would wake in time for his Ovaltine and biscuits, walk to the door into the hall, open it, turn his back on it, break wind, close the door and return to his chair. That would be Robert's contribution to the evening's entertainment."

There is a certain Phillida Meadowhite, born Edna Trask, "a most ravishing personage ... of Hetty's age, exquisitely coiffed, wearing what may have been a tea-gown."

"Hetty reloaded the Breville Toaster with bread and cheese."

When Hetty apprehends Geoffrey on the coach, he is "a youth in ripped black and silver vest, metal-studded belt with another stud in his nose, baggy tartan jodhpurs and Chelsea Football club socks, whose hair stood up on top of his head in three multi-coloured horns like upturned icecream cornets..."; he has a "thin throaty voice". "Lilac eye-shadow and eye-liner of burnt gold had become mixed, forming khaki blotches, around red-rimmed eyes."

The reason Geoffrey's on the coach back home is that he got caught by the police, watching TV with George, both wearing stolen dresses!

Geoffrey moves into the Wainthropps' spare room.

"Sleep-drenched, undersized, pimply, sixteen-year-old Geoffrey Shawcross, junior partner [and so forth] roused himself from thoughts of masturbation and sat up in bed to receive his breakfast." (brought by Hetty)

- He has a stud in his *left* nostril

Hetty dismisses the "last and youngest of the firemen by patting his bottom".
Several pages later she is pinching Geoff on the bottom!



Warnings: you may need a couple of Dubonnets before you read this.

This is a public service announcement.