nanowrimo: 2 more days! And Being On Drugs.

[lobelia321]

I have made it almost to the end!

It's been quite interesting looking at my excel spreadsheet chart wot i have been obsessively filling in. My moods and my morale have gone up and down, from a few 10s to an all-time low of 4 yesterday, because I have a cold and do not feel like writing 1,667 words!! I just want to sleep! But strangely, even when feeling crap, I managed to churn out the words, and after initial complete rubbish they were even useful words. Also, sometimes I've written a load of words on a low morale, and sometimes I've written a load of words on a high morale. But it is rare that I've written no words at all and had a high morale. Even to have a stab at a high morale, I need to have produced wordage.

All of this is good to remember for the post-nano rut.

Also, sertraline, my current tranquilisers (or to be more medically specific: anti-depressants and stimulators of serotonin production in t'brain), have a number of drawbacks, and these are becoming more apparent now that I'm okay about my job.



Pluses:
I have dealt with my job depression. I am currently not depressed. I am in a calm frame of mind that enables me to make rational decisions and follow them up. The other day, I had to do a godawful waste-of-time absurd job for t'institution and instead of getting into a complete state about it and feeling resentful, I did it and felt calm and thought, 'I just wasted two hours of my employers' time, not of my time. If that's what they want to pay me for, fine.' When I told t'counsellor this, she clapped my attitude!

Minuses:
The highs are gone, the lows are gone, the libido is gone. My interest in sex is minus 562. I feel disconnected from t'h, partly because of the lack of libido and partly because of what the lack of a libido is a symptom: a sort of self-sufficiency and lack of strong emotion. I couldn't, e.g., fall in love right now. I can feel happy but I've noticed that there's a certain something lacking when I write. I can produce the words but the ecstasy factor is rare.

Picasso, I think, once said, 'I paint with my prick' (as did Renoir), and I used to think this was a chauvinist macho attitude, blah, blah, but I've come round to this. I think I do need my libido to write creative fiction. It is a very sexual activity for me, a sensual activity. This is also why, in my current libidoless state, I've lost interest in slash. Very Bad!! Also, I've lost interest in delicious words and just write to get the plot moving. That's not how I operate normally!

I'm also less obsessed. Actually, I'm not obsessed at all. This, I'm realising, is actually not all good. I used to think that my obsessions were bad: nocturnal LJ sessions, compulsive reading of fanfic, late-night bleary-eyed LJ cruising. But I am not myself without these things. E.g., my interest in LJ has also waned. This could make me sad! (If I were able to feel sad...) It's an interactivity, interconnectivity chip that's missing from my brain right now.

I've hit the moment where I'm sick of the tranquilisers. I have benefitted tremendously from them. They have been fantastic in allowing me to deal with stuff and to move my life onward and to have insights. But now they've done their duty.

My counsellor says I should wait till after Christmas because Christmas is a stressful time. But do I want to wait that long to get my literary groove back??