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lobelia321As I was saying to pir8fancier over on LJ: sometimes my head feels really weird. How can this be my reality? Am I living in a sitcom? Me???
Anyway, behind the cut are more pourings-out because I believe it's good to get stuff out there and this is a safe space, away from my rl. Please feel free to ignore anything behind the cut, as ever. :-)
T'internet tells me there is a thing called 'no-contact'. This thing spoke to me and I have been practising it, without informing t'h. So as far as he's concerned I'm just not sending texts or emails or phoning him or returning phone calls etc, and he doesn't know why.
I'm a sucker for policy things like this, someone out there (t'internet) telling me what to do. So part of me thinks: is this artificial? is this cruel?
What is odd is that he, too, hasn't tried to contact me. Except in 2 instances (over the past 7 days): 1) He showed up outside the house on Monday evening. I was already on my bike and said, 'Got to rush, got to be somewhere, bye', and cycled off. 2) He rang my mobile phone yesterday; I didn't ring back. (I'm pretty sure what this was about; it was to do with organising something to do with t'sons, and he then did it via t'sons who told me about it.)
I now feel sad and unquiet about t'sons having arranged all this without me. But I guess they are still used to us communicating, so it doesn't occur to them that they will have to relay the communication. I don't like them being in a position to have to 'relay'; otoh, this arrangement was entirely to do with them, not with me, and they are aged 21 and 17. I need to keep telling myself: they love their father; they need to love their father; they need to be supported in loving their father and doing shit with him.
Part of me feels relieved not having to communicate. T'internet is "giving me permission" and making me realise how uncomfortable I have at times felt about communicating. Also, now that I know how serious things are with his new woman, I feel we were pretending and running on empty, as if our relationship were still intact. I understand that I will feel bad and sad for a while and in waves, and that this is normal.
The fact that he hasn't communicated makes me think that I also don't want to communicate, that it's good not to. Maybe he hadn't communicated earlier either and I've been "running after him"? I started to trawl through texts to test this hypothesis but then stopped because that's obsessing.
I do sometimes engage in obsessive behaviour; not like me at all but they say that you do out-of-character shit when in a break-up / divorce. I'm not proud of these things but there you go...
Not getting in touch feels like fasting or something.
But I want to (need to) get in touch about two things at some point soon. 1) I want to let him know that I am planning to seek out / have sought out a solicitor. So do I do this before I've seen the solicitor, or after? My feeling is: after.
2) I want to let him know that I've decided to pick up t'son from L-- Festival. He offered to do it but I want to do it. So I do need to contact him about that. I've decided to keep all contact as much as possible to email, and to keep it factual, not emotional.
Here's another thing: MUTUAL FRIENDS.
Steep learning curve re mutual friends.
Mutual friend nr.1:
Had coffee. Asked her about her divorce; she said she had a solicitor and advised me to get one. T'h rang her that night and quizzed her about how I was and what had been said; then had a huge row because she was 'putting ideas into my head' about getting a solicitor.
Lesson to be learned: Don't talk to a mutual friend (more of an acquaintance in this case) about the legal proceedings at all. Don't tell t'h that I've been seeing a mutual friend.
Mutual friend nr.2:
Wants to give detailed advice on how I need to get a solicitor and not trust t'h. Has had run-ins with t'h and tells me about it. It's lovely to talk to this friend but I want to be more careful in future.
Lesson: Tricky but true, I think: even with good mutual friends, it's best not to involve them too much. Especially as I know this friend to be a huge gossip.
Mutual friends nr.3:
A couple whom we saw a lot as a couple, and only as a couple. They started to talk about t'h, how he is getting a knighthood (yes, t'h is getting a fucking knighthood, from the QUEEN, he will be Sir T'H, it's a parallel universe, it really is) and I stopped them, and said I would prefer not to talk with them about t'h. They immediately said they understood and dropped the subject.
Lesson: This made me feel good and empowered. In future, say this upfront. Helps, too, with guiding mutual friends who may have no clue how to behave in the new situation, either. Also, protects me from hearing anything I don't want to hear, especially about the 'New Woman'.
Mutual friend nr.4:
Half of a couple whom we saw only as a couple; the man is one of t'h's best friends and colleagues. I met up with the woman today and it did NOT make me feel good. It was too odd. She asked, 'how are you?', 'how are you feeling about 'Name of New Woman'. I was not prepared! I found this awkward and strangely intrusive, if well-meant. I'm sure they've met Her, and now she wants to get some low-down from me. Awks. I said, "I don't know who that is; I think it must be t'h's new friend; I've never met her and don't want to hear about her." That's not quite what I *wanted* to say, though. Then I felt bad for hours. She also asked other questions but I panicked and thought, all of this will get back to t'h, and I buttoned up - so the conversation felt a bit stilted to me.
Lesson: Before meeting up with people, think thoroughly about how they relate to me and to us as the couple we once were and to t'h. Prepare responses in advance to questions like: How are you? (If I say 'miserable' or if I say 'great' or whatever, it *will* get back to t'h). If The Woman gets mentioned - I need to head this off at the pass by saying upfront, 'btw, I'd prefer not to talk about t'h or his new relationship'; take control, not get sidelined by unexpected uncomfortable questions.
pir8fancier over on LJ: sometimes my head feels really weird. How can this be my reality? Am I living in a sitcom? Me???Anyway, behind the cut are more pourings-out because I believe it's good to get stuff out there and this is a safe space, away from my rl. Please feel free to ignore anything behind the cut, as ever. :-)
T'internet tells me there is a thing called 'no-contact'. This thing spoke to me and I have been practising it, without informing t'h. So as far as he's concerned I'm just not sending texts or emails or phoning him or returning phone calls etc, and he doesn't know why.
I'm a sucker for policy things like this, someone out there (t'internet) telling me what to do. So part of me thinks: is this artificial? is this cruel?
What is odd is that he, too, hasn't tried to contact me. Except in 2 instances (over the past 7 days): 1) He showed up outside the house on Monday evening. I was already on my bike and said, 'Got to rush, got to be somewhere, bye', and cycled off. 2) He rang my mobile phone yesterday; I didn't ring back. (I'm pretty sure what this was about; it was to do with organising something to do with t'sons, and he then did it via t'sons who told me about it.)
I now feel sad and unquiet about t'sons having arranged all this without me. But I guess they are still used to us communicating, so it doesn't occur to them that they will have to relay the communication. I don't like them being in a position to have to 'relay'; otoh, this arrangement was entirely to do with them, not with me, and they are aged 21 and 17. I need to keep telling myself: they love their father; they need to love their father; they need to be supported in loving their father and doing shit with him.
Part of me feels relieved not having to communicate. T'internet is "giving me permission" and making me realise how uncomfortable I have at times felt about communicating. Also, now that I know how serious things are with his new woman, I feel we were pretending and running on empty, as if our relationship were still intact. I understand that I will feel bad and sad for a while and in waves, and that this is normal.
The fact that he hasn't communicated makes me think that I also don't want to communicate, that it's good not to. Maybe he hadn't communicated earlier either and I've been "running after him"? I started to trawl through texts to test this hypothesis but then stopped because that's obsessing.
I do sometimes engage in obsessive behaviour; not like me at all but they say that you do out-of-character shit when in a break-up / divorce. I'm not proud of these things but there you go...
Not getting in touch feels like fasting or something.
But I want to (need to) get in touch about two things at some point soon. 1) I want to let him know that I am planning to seek out / have sought out a solicitor. So do I do this before I've seen the solicitor, or after? My feeling is: after.
2) I want to let him know that I've decided to pick up t'son from L-- Festival. He offered to do it but I want to do it. So I do need to contact him about that. I've decided to keep all contact as much as possible to email, and to keep it factual, not emotional.
Here's another thing: MUTUAL FRIENDS.
Steep learning curve re mutual friends.
Mutual friend nr.1:
Had coffee. Asked her about her divorce; she said she had a solicitor and advised me to get one. T'h rang her that night and quizzed her about how I was and what had been said; then had a huge row because she was 'putting ideas into my head' about getting a solicitor.
Lesson to be learned: Don't talk to a mutual friend (more of an acquaintance in this case) about the legal proceedings at all. Don't tell t'h that I've been seeing a mutual friend.
Mutual friend nr.2:
Wants to give detailed advice on how I need to get a solicitor and not trust t'h. Has had run-ins with t'h and tells me about it. It's lovely to talk to this friend but I want to be more careful in future.
Lesson: Tricky but true, I think: even with good mutual friends, it's best not to involve them too much. Especially as I know this friend to be a huge gossip.
Mutual friends nr.3:
A couple whom we saw a lot as a couple, and only as a couple. They started to talk about t'h, how he is getting a knighthood (yes, t'h is getting a fucking knighthood, from the QUEEN, he will be Sir T'H, it's a parallel universe, it really is) and I stopped them, and said I would prefer not to talk with them about t'h. They immediately said they understood and dropped the subject.
Lesson: This made me feel good and empowered. In future, say this upfront. Helps, too, with guiding mutual friends who may have no clue how to behave in the new situation, either. Also, protects me from hearing anything I don't want to hear, especially about the 'New Woman'.
Mutual friend nr.4:
Half of a couple whom we saw only as a couple; the man is one of t'h's best friends and colleagues. I met up with the woman today and it did NOT make me feel good. It was too odd. She asked, 'how are you?', 'how are you feeling about 'Name of New Woman'. I was not prepared! I found this awkward and strangely intrusive, if well-meant. I'm sure they've met Her, and now she wants to get some low-down from me. Awks. I said, "I don't know who that is; I think it must be t'h's new friend; I've never met her and don't want to hear about her." That's not quite what I *wanted* to say, though. Then I felt bad for hours. She also asked other questions but I panicked and thought, all of this will get back to t'h, and I buttoned up - so the conversation felt a bit stilted to me.
Lesson: Before meeting up with people, think thoroughly about how they relate to me and to us as the couple we once were and to t'h. Prepare responses in advance to questions like: How are you? (If I say 'miserable' or if I say 'great' or whatever, it *will* get back to t'h). If The Woman gets mentioned - I need to head this off at the pass by saying upfront, 'btw, I'd prefer not to talk about t'h or his new relationship'; take control, not get sidelined by unexpected uncomfortable questions.