nictitate

[lobelia321]

nictitate  v.i. Close and open the eyes, wink.

I learned this word from Jeffrey Eugenides' Middlesex, a fantastic, brilliant, just amazing book about a person who is born a girl and then becomes a boy at age 14. (This is not a spoiler, it's more or less the novel's first line.) Hence the title (it does *not* refer to a county near Milton Keynes).

Anyway, potential application of t'word:
"Richard stared, mesmerised, at Orlando's nictitating lids."



I am all aflutter for two reasons:

I had lunch with ukcalico, and then ambled around Cambridge, and then bought a book she recced (Alan Cummings [yes, he of X-Men 2 fame], Tommy's Tale), had coffee and cake, ambled some more.

Calico is absolutely lovely and charming, and she's going to be here for a *month*. I can't believe my good fortune. She made me all crawling with desire to go to Australia, too. She met all those Kelly-watchers!!!

Funny moment: a friend of mine accosted me on the street. I introduced him, and then said, "And this is, er, Calico." His face did a priceless little jolt-thing: "Calico? Is that your name?" I said, "Um, what *is* your name?" Heh.

Next reason why I am aflutter: eyebrowofdoom is back! And she sent me long, long comments. And she is the most thoughtful beta in the world and I want to smooch her!

So now I am seriously re-thinking k/d and pondering whether I will ever post it. We will see, we will see. It's the first time someone has taken an outsider's look at that story, and it's making me feel all fluttery and raw inside. And it definitely, hah, will not be ready in time for Karl's birthday. It needs a *lot* of work.

So I may just continue with the frivolous Karl-fish-fic I began this morning in response to azewewish's call to arms! *g*

Comments

[bunnysquee.livejournal.com]

i was just going to ask when you're posting karl/dom since you said end of may/beginning of june, and lookee! it's the beginning of june. no pressure though. take all the time you need.

i cannot believe my eyes - are you writing a karl/fish fic... ?!

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Warning: I may never post the k/d. Am having serious reservations about it. And maybe that will finally free me to write other fucking fic!

Like Karl/fish! Orli's bunny, Dom's dog, there's a theme here.

[bunnysquee.livejournal.com]

oh dear. i hope your serious reservations are just eve of posting nervousness. i'm sure it's pretty. your fics always are awesome, so i don't know why you are having doubts now.

btw, has ukcalico abandoned the LOTR fandom? there is a delicious Viggorli story she hasn't finished *sobs heartbreakingly*

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Cal dabbles in many fandoms. And she is in fact, she told me, working on two sequels to the Viggorli! Yeah!

[bunnysquee.livejournal.com]

i'm sure it's pretty.

*am idiot* i meant 'i'm sure it's pretty good.'

[bunnysquee.livejournal.com]

also, YAY! to the ukcalico writing viggorli.

[viva-gloria.livejournal.com]

1. nictitating lids are what amphibians have, are they not?
2. Calico. So unfair. So what did you wear?
3. You must post you horrendous tease -- hopefully the raw fluttering (a familiar sensation) will settle in a few days once you get used to someone else having access to that part of your head!
4. Fish? What kind of fish? And is Karl going to nictitate, next?

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

1. nictitating membrane: third or inner eyelid of many animals

2. M&S underwear, 62-pound bra acquired during retail therapy last week, cropped floppy trousers (also acquired during retail therapy), Gap T-shirt for men (more rt), socks and trainers (due to constant rain gusts), me specs, jewellery bought in Baltimore, me watch.

3. Am not so sure. I now regret ever having teased about this fic.

4. Blue moki. No.

[ia-ne.livejournal.com]

*sobs heartbreakingly*

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Sorry, sweetie. *pats*

You wouldn't have liked it.

[ia-ne.livejournal.com]

Uh! What makes you think so?

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Own estimation. But I promise to think about it. I will leave it be for a week and look at it again then.

[sheldrake.livejournal.com]

So now I am seriously re-thinking k/d and pondering whether I will ever post it.

Oh dear, this is slightly shocking news! Maybe it just needs to be left alone for a bit, or something.

Alan Cummings [yes, he of X-Men 2 fame], Tommy's Tale

I'd be interested to know what you think of that - I haven't read it yet, because I adore Alan, and I admit I was afraid it might be Not Very Good. Not that that would affect my adoration in the slightest, really.

Also, Karl? Fish? Jolly good!

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Maybe it just needs to be left alone for a bit

I''m not a good leaver-aloner. I jump in and make a decision, stupid or not. But I promise: I will leave this for a while and see how or if I change my mind. You know, anyway (or do you? can't remember email contents now), that this fic is a "cathected site" (were you privy to that LJ thread? otherwise, will gladly explain! *g*) for me and that more hangs thereon than just a posting. Maybe it was never meant to be posted, and I'm just having to get used to the idea that that is fine. And get on with my life. Instead of pouring my life into k/d.

I'd be interested to know what you think of that
I'm on chapter 4 and it's a breeze of a read! I'm just hammering through! It's great fun, so far. And very het-flex and full of sex!

And I, too, like Alan Cumming a lot.

[sheldrake.livejournal.com]

You know, anyway (or do you? can't remember email contents now), that this fic is a "cathected site" (were you privy to that LJ thread? otherwise, will gladly explain! *g*)

No, I don't know about that, and also need to buy a new dictionary. Please explain, I'd love to know!

I'm on chapter 4 and it's a breeze of a read! I'm just hammering through! It's great fun, so far. And very het-flex and full of sex!

Definitely, definitely going to have to read this...

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Cathexis (noun), cathected (adjective). This is from Freud. Actually,in German, Freud simply used the word 'besetzt' which means 'occupied', such as you find on any public toilet in Germany, Austria and German-speaking Switzerland, *g*. Except for whatever unfathomable reason, the English translators saw fit to translate this as 'cathexis', so now we can all be wonderfully arty-farty la-de-da and drop learned-sounding syllables over caffe latte.

What it means: well, in my pop understanding, it means something like 'too much meaning'. If something is overinvested with psychic energy (and, seeing it's Freud, that'd probably be sexual psychic energy), then it's cathected. E.g. if a song was playing on the radio while you were having your first tender experiences in Cromer and then later, say, was played at a friend's funeral, and you then burst into complicated tears whenever you hear this song, then that song has become a cathected site.

Isn't it a great word? I think we should lobby toilet manufacturers to put it on their little loo door tabs.

[sheldrake.livejournal.com]

Aahhh, I see, I see.

*laps up shiny droplets of information*

I think we should lobby toilet manufacturers to put it on their little loo door tabs.

Yes, yes. Although we'd then need an equally poncy word for the toilet when it's not cathected.

[ukcalico.livejournal.com]

I'd be interested to know what you think of that - I haven't read it yet, because I adore Alan

It's good! It's good! It requires no brain-power and left me smiling throughout pretty much every page, yet I wouldn't call it fluff. Or if it is fluff, it's hardcore hedonistic fluff with a side-order of earnest maturity issues, served up on a silver platter of London Nightlife, lightly garnished with Wry-Observations-Of-Alan-Cumming (= never anything but a joy to read).

um. not that I'm being a crazy fangurl, or nuthin'. ;)

[sheldrake.livejournal.com]

Or if it is fluff, it's hardcore hedonistic fluff with a side-order of earnest maturity issues, served up on a silver platter of London Nightlife, lightly garnished with Wry-Observations-Of-Alan-Cumming

Oh but that's my favourite kind of fluff! I'll definitely have to read this, then.

um. not that I'm being a crazy fangurl, or nuthin'

Heheh. No, that would be me... :)

[azewewish.livejournal.com]

*eyes you*

By all means, give me Karl/fish & nictitating, but I *need* to have a look at the K/D. You know how I feel about this pairing, love.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

It's because I know how you feel about the pairing that I also know you will mind least if I don't post. (And I promise to give it a bit more time and think seriously whether I will or not.) :-)

You've written such wonderful k/ds; you don't want to spoil it by reading mine.

Re:

[azewewish.livejournal.com]

Not like I've got the lock on them, love. There's definitely room for more than one epic. *nods*

[cupiscent.livejournal.com]

Cal is lovely, isn't she? She's just about the sweetest, loveliest, bounciest, darlingest thing I've ever met. *g*

And yes, you should come to Australia. Come to Australia! (/jedimindtrick)

Re: Karl/Dom. Obviously, we're all dying to read it, because it's Karl/Dom, and because it's yours, and will hence be very interesting and well-written and thoroughly worth the wait. It seems a shame, after all the effort and all, for no one to get to read it. If you want to rework it, then goferit - more power to you, and we'll still be happily thrilled whenever it's posted. But don't just cast it aside, ja?

I have faith in you.

Many best wishes and jealous-of-your-Calico-time vibes from this particular Kelly-watcher.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

God, I'm hoping that jedimindtrick will work. Or even some Bene Gesserit trickery. *thinks: will she get it???*

But don't just cast it aside, ja?

I promise I will think about it seriously. I will leave it for a bit and come back to the thing. I tend to go with spur-of-the-moment decisions, but I *will* put my decision on hold for a bit.

will hence be very interesting and well-written and thoroughly worth the wait.
I promise you, it's not. And the problem is having to live up to anticipations, and altogether it may be better (for my mental health, if not for yours!) not to post it and to free myself of this incubus.

It seems a shame, after all the effort and all, for no one to get to read it.
Well, this may be faulty thinking. This is how I thought but effort itself is no guarantee. And, as lazulus says, maybe the point was all in the process. For this fic.

But my mind's confused about it at the moment. I will think about it!

[cupiscent.livejournal.com]

Or even some Bene Gesserit trickery. *thinks: will she get it???*

Buh! What sort of geek do you take me for? (Although admittedly I only read Dune a couple of years ago, and only the first one, and I didn't like it a huge amount. But I have read it.)

That's a very good point Laz makes there. Sometimes the process is the point. Sometimes writing does wonders for you, without the finished product being of use. Lord knows I've got a few files like that on my computer. More than a few. And an entire fantasy novel in a ringbinder to back it up.

I am in favour of cathartic postings, though. Cut it free. Let the chestburster be released. Or something. We're totally mixing our sci-fi metaphors here. *g*

Think on it. But don't let it weigh you down. Fanfic's supposed to be fun, remember? Only angst over the words you're getting paid for, that's my motto. *g*

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Only angst over the words you're getting paid for,
I love your motto. Unfortunately, it'll never work for me. Am angster by nature. Also, in my academic work, where the words do *count*, there' s no money for them, either. However, *thinks*, the angst, it is true, is much reduced if writing in academic terms about non-fictional things a long time ago and without mention of the words 'fuck', 'nictitate' or 'Dom's arse'.

Hah! And you got the recondite word!! You *dag*!!! Hah. (Yes, I, too, read only the first book in a three-year sci-fi bout in teenage-hood.)

Lord knows I've got a few files like that on my computer. More than a few. And an entire fantasy novel in a ringbinder to back it up.
But you finished it! K/d may languish away uncompleted in its ringbinder. But it makes me feel better that you, too, have unposted unpostables. And I'm not sure that writing down k/d *was* doing me wonders anymore towards the end. It served some sort of purpose for a while, and after that it continued on empty and became a duty.


I am in favour of cathartic postings, though.</>
Well, at this stage it won't be cathartic anymore. In fact, *not* posting (the idea of that) makes me feel much more relief than the responsibilities of having to post. I really don't think it's postable, for ethical reasons. I think I treated serious topics frivolously because I was using them as vehicles for my own shit, and it's not something I want to be known in the wider world for.

[cupiscent.livejournal.com]

The angsting over words thing is what really turfed me out of X-Men and into Lotrips. X-men was getting far too much like real writing - I was agonising over a novella, trying to plot, getting tangled up, and I realised that I was expending all this creative effort on something that wasn't going to earn me any money, even if it was brilliant, whereas my "real writing" project was languishing since I had no energy for it. I'd lost the ability to write flippant fic in X-men. Lotrips, on the other hand, was all about the flippancy. There's little overlap between what I write in fandon and what I write in my novel these days, so one functions as a break from the other, and it all works out.

Hah! And you got the recondite word!!

Yep, am great big honking geek.

But you finished it!

Well, nominally, yes. It was a completed story. But it was (and still is, unless my co-author has set fire to it) utter shite. Completely. There was a good, if cliche, story hiding underneath the prose, but it needed a lot of work to chip it free.

In fact, *not* posting (the idea of that) makes me feel much more relief...

Fair enough. We'll just have to get used to disappointment. *g* At the end of the day, despite the weird communal aspect of fandom, the writing does belong to you. We won't hate you forever if you don't post it. Maybe until next Tuesday, but not forever. *g*

Incidentally, every time you write "k/d", I mentally insert "lang" after it. Am weird little munchkin.

Doctor Dee recommends flippant therapy involving hot, sweaty, manly men. On page or off, the choice is yours.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Hello Dr D! I like that. My own personal online doctor.

And yes, what you say about the writing getting too serious and losing the flippancy in X-Men: this is precisely what happened to me over the past five months with k/d (Lang! And you're not the only one to insert that every time!!). So I want to set it free, I want to get *flippant*! That's exactly it! I've got to wash that out of my system now.

I thought I would feel more regret for something I've laboured over for so long but oddly (or not so oddly), I don't. I don't want to think about k/d now, I don't want to see it, I will shelve it away and visit it in 6 months. It's a crap fic, but the writing of it was a good / important / necessary experience. Now on to better things. Like the hot, manly, sweaty men you recommend!

And don't be disappointed: you'd have been much more disappointed had you read the damn thing. Cos it's shite.