k/d epic

[lobelia321]

I have been teasing everyone for so long about my k/d epic that I feel I owe you all an explanation and an apology. Because it turns out that the teasing has been, alas, cock-teasing (er, as it were).

Upshot is: I will not be posting the k/d fic. I am truly sorry to disappoint any expectations I foolishly raised but I have decided not to make the final revisions and not to post.



Why not? The short version.

There are a number of reasons but the main, principal one is that I have come to the realisation that this fic was written more as therapy for my own problems than as fiction to be posted. It has haunted me for the last few months, I have been obsessing about it, and now I need to set it free and move on. The whole thing is bound up with my trip to see my mother, and now that I've seen her I feel I don't need to work out my shit via the fic any longer but can perhaps move the working-out to real life, where it belongs. And move the fun back into the fic, where I like it! The k/d fic is angsty, convoluted, fragmented, and Mary-Sueish, and, as some of you have already so helpfully agreed, the point of it was in the writing, not in the finishing.

I don't feel it was a waste to work on it for so long because I learned things about writing and about myself and about my relation to writing and what I want to get out of it. But now I want to be free of the thing. As soon as I realised that I had the option of not posting, I felt immediate relief. And the relief hasn't gone away. It feels right not to post it. I feel liberated!

What I will do with it? Put it in a corner and wait six months. Maybe I'll take it out around Christmas, dust it off and see what parts are redeemable. But for now I need to be rid of it.

Hm. That wasn't so short after all... :-)


..
But because so many kind and generous people helped me with this fic along the way (I' started work on it in August 2002, after all!), I do wish to thank them all. So here's the thanks you deserve to get (as I planned to paste it into the Header).



Thanks to: thejennabides (for listening to the whole mess and still wanting me to go ahead with it; for making me go through with the epilogue which morphed into a whole second Part), badgermonkey (for Baby!Dom and Derek Benfield; for fb on Wheels and for general demcartesian inspiration), azewewish (for continued Karl inspiration and for being strict about finishing), viva_gloria (for general discussion, for making Karl weep and for het-beta), cinzia (who divined the house's pov), shinysparkly (for bouncing), both reishin and May (for the Japanese),icebun and evil_man for information on Wellington and the South Island, ia_ne, sheldrake and hjartad (for generous re-reading and comments), natasha1805 (for discussion on loooong fics), cupiscent (for daring to het), girloftheq and ladymoonray (for responses to title) and gabbyhope (for swearing encouragingly). Also anyone else whom I've forgotten about and who helped via lotr_wip, LJ or email.

And, of course, more thanks than I can express to my beta friends eyebrowofdoom and lazulus. All glory to them, and no responsibility whatsoever for not posting. That decision is entirely and wholeheartedly mine.



And thanks to all of you who kept on asking me about the fic and showing such kind interest.

But be not disappointed! Now that I am liberated from this epic, I have plot bunnies hopping about in an excited flurry! And if you're very good, I'll post a list of my twelve bunnies, *g*. (Thus continuing to fuel my growing reputation of tease, ack...)

Comments

[msilverstar]

If you're relieved at the option of not posting it, that's a Big Sign that you shouldn't do it! (I sometimes toss a coin, not to decide, but to see how I feel about the outcome.)

I'm very glad you figured out what was going on and 12 new bunnies is a fabulous thing to look forward to.

[gabbyhope.livejournal.com]

I learned things about writing and about myself and about my relation to writing and what I want to get out of it.

*sets off fireworks*

Congrats, sweetheart. That's all I needed to hear to make meh happeh. I'll just read 'Different Tastes' for the hundredth time to quench my thirst. ;)

I'll post a list of my twelve bunnies, *g*. (Thus continuing to fuel my growing reputation of tease, ack...)

Growing? It's grown, trust me on this. heh.

Twelve's my lucky number. *drools*

[brightest-blue.livejournal.com]

While I am sorry that we won't ever get to see the long-awaited epic, I'm also very happy to hear that this decision has freed you up to deal with those other bunnies. Twelve bunnies! Yay! *gets out bunny food*

I really do believe that we should write for ourselves; when it starts feeling like an obligation, it's just not fun anymore. If this fic was cathartic for you and helped you work through some RL issues, it more than served its purpose. And not only did you learn things about writing by working through this, I learned some things as well in our long-fic discussions. So, thank you! :)

Although, to say you have a growing reputation as a tease is really understating the matter! *g*

[cinzia.livejournal.com]

I have to repeat what everybody already said: I'm sorry not to see The Epic, but it's wonderful that you could work through your issues writing it, and the only thing that matters is that you're feeling good about it, about the whole process. And I'm happy to hear that you are! :)

Now, kindly post bunny-list, you TEASE. ;)

(((hugs)))

[bunnysquee.livejournal.com]

while i am disappointed no end that i would not get to see this karl/dom epic, i respect your reasons for not posting it. afterall, investing a lot of yourself into your work, and using your writing to figure out your life - i can see it getting too personal for you to want to share.

i'm very glad to hear that you have twelve plotbunnies nibbling at your ankles. i love reading your fic and i look forward to new stories from you.

[viva-gloria.livejournal.com]

You are an Evil Tease. But since that's a given, I would much rather you were a happy Evil Tease. I certainly understand the inner (and, occasionally, outer) pressure-to-post -- and hope no one gives you grief for not posting; it's your creation to dispose as you will!

Having said that, I shall expect regular fics for, oh, the next 12 years months, or so.

May I recommend writing and posting the sequel? (It worked for me!)

[sheldrake.livejournal.com]

Well, this is just great - not that I wouldn't have loved to have read the epic, because I would - but it's obviously such a positive thing for you, and I totally understand that feeling of relief and liberation when you allow yourself the option of not doing something! And now you can really Get On With Stuff, and have fun. Or we shall all want to know why... :)

[ia-ne.livejournal.com]

*nods along with the other comments* I'm glad you made a decision that you are happy with!

And of course I'm always very good, so post the bunny-list already!

[lazulus]

Firsty... Nick Cave!!!!!

*cough*

Secondly...the fact that you seemed so much lighter on Sunday than the last few times I have seen you said it all for me.

And, tease away! We loves to be teased but you! ;)

[cupiscent.livejournal.com]

All hail relief.

And darling, I'll dare to het any day of the week and twice on Sundays. I'll even het without a net (groan). Don't do this at home; this girl's a trained professional.

*hugs and gleeful anticipation of frivolous, fanciful Lobelia-fic*

[vasiliki.livejournal.com]

Obviously, if you felt liberated by deciding to not post, then you shouldn't post! I know how it feels, I had a similar experience with a fic (written as a personal catharsis) which I twisted for a friend's sake - believe me, I hated myself after I posted the thing, and only after I deleted it I felt better.

I love the 7th plot bunny. :D