silly plumbing ficlet

sheldrake said the words 'Dan Penteado', gave me pairing and characterisation, and off I went on a wild rampage. This is my second ficlet of Cristiano Ronaldo/Dan Panteado (who, apparently, is a Portuguese sidekick in the TV show Rogue Traders). *gg*



Once the stench had become quite unbearable and the urine was beginning to ooze from the Carrera marble of the bathroom into the shagpile of the hall, Cristiano Ronaldo decided it was time to do something about it. So he called the Plumbing Police.

Plumbing Police Officer Dan Penteado arrived, in his black leather jacket and knee high boots with buckles on the side. Chewing a toothpick and making affable noises in his throat, he inspected the calamity with monosyllabic calm. Cristiano could see how the boots were coming in handy. He himself dared go nowhere near the toilet, wearing, as he was, nothing but plush slippers on his bare feet.

Also, he was still in his bathrobe. It being so early and all.

Dan Penteado hummed and hawed, and after a few moments of this humming and hawing, Cristiano discerned a certain familiarity, in particular about the hawing. This was very Portuguese-sounding hawing. This was the kind of hawing his dad used to do.

At the thought of his dad, Cristiano's eyes welled up.

"Listen, mate," said the Plumbing Police Officer, "you must sue this bastard. We will trick him."

"What?" said Cristiano, surreptitiously dabbing his tear ducts with the end of his bathrobe belt.

"We'll install a CCTV camera," said Dan Penteado. "Up there."

"Okay," said Cristiano, dabbing some more at his face.

"And then you call this plumber again," said Dan Penteado. "We film him. We nab him."

"Nab?" said Cristiano, gave a final tug at his belt and stood helplessly as his bathrobe fell open and revealed his naked self to the stranger in black leather.

"Jesus," said Dan Penteado. "I said 'nab', not 'nob'."

"Are you Portuguese?" blurted out Cristiano. "Do you want to see my album of postcards from Porto?"




Um. *bursts out laughing* ETA: Dialogue ficlettino here.

dan penteado ficlet nr 3 (wainthropp cross-over!)

Dan gave Matt a farewell kiss, mounted his Kawasaki 2000-C and roared off into the sunset.

Half a mile down the road, at the traffic light, he fumbled in the inside pocket of his heavy-duty horsehide leather jacket for his sunglasses as riding off into the sunset was making him squint and causing a traffic hazard.

A further half a mile down the road and around the corner, at the beginning of the ramp onto the motorway, Dan stopped again to don his disguise.

Dan Penteado: mild-mannered plumbing police by day, fearsome private investigator by night!

Zooming along the M6 at breakneck speed, Dan couldn't hear his mobile. Luckily, it was on vibrator function and pulsed pleasantly against his groin.

He swerved to a halt at a BP station. Flies lay dead in the fluorescent glow.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Dan, is that you? This is Robert Wainthropp here, of the Burnley Detective Agency."

"The what? Hang on, did you say 'Wainthropp'?"

"Aye. We sent our young assistant down your way last month, do you remember?"

"Oh yes," breathed Dan Penteado. "The young lad. Jeremy, was it?"

"Geoffrey. His name's Geoffrey. And we'll be needing to send him again so I was wondering whether you could put him up for a night or two. Colleague to colleague, so to speak."

Dan Penteado felt faint. It must be all the exhaust fumes. "No problem," he said.



Dan Penteado felt very excited. He zoomed on off home, ran upstairs, remade the only bed in his house (his own double-bed) and went downstairs to still his breathing.

The phone rang. The landline.

"Hello?"

"Hallo? Is this Plumbing Police? I have problem with my toilet. Can you come now? Is formidable problem. You want address?"