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lest I forget : rageful venting part 2
Jun. 14th, 2015 12:15 amLast night as I was in bed I was still seething and typed more angry notes into my phone. So here, mostly for my own record, I paste them in (continued from this post.).
And as I don't know how to insert an LJ-cut tag on DW, I'm afraid I'm going to have to paste it all in below. If anyone could clue me in in re comments, I'd be grateful!
I bet she has put him up to this. He is a) clueless re forms and b) was only recently resistant to divorce. She a) has been through divorce so knows the ropes: b) wants to commit him to a serious relationship and marry him; c) has heard that I've been to the solicitor and is getting antsy feet. I need to beware: when I'm talking to him, she is behind it. She will hear anything I say (this is now like posting to twitter). He maybe relishes when I say that I feel pained as he feels pained and likes the assurance that I feel pain too. So in future: don't confide such turmoiled emotions; don't enter into discussion; don't let the terms be hijacked (he hijacked them by presenting me with the divorce papers without warning), not by her, not by him. Keep the emotions bottled in when I am with him; vent to others. Don't give way to angry retorts as this will also give him a clue about 'pain' and bind you together (except it's illusory binding as he is now with her). When he says we need to talk, ask in advance what specifically he wants to discuss. Be pleasant and neutral about her: don't ask for details; when he offers some, pleasantly say no. Don't put him in a position where he can be sorry for me or patronise me or say how I mean a lot to him or say how wonderful I am: don't allow these. This is how I will protect my well-being. Don't justify or feel the need to explain: this is how I will protect my future.
And as I don't know how to insert an LJ-cut tag on DW, I'm afraid I'm going to have to paste it all in below. If anyone could clue me in in re comments, I'd be grateful!
I bet she has put him up to this. He is a) clueless re forms and b) was only recently resistant to divorce. She a) has been through divorce so knows the ropes: b) wants to commit him to a serious relationship and marry him; c) has heard that I've been to the solicitor and is getting antsy feet. I need to beware: when I'm talking to him, she is behind it. She will hear anything I say (this is now like posting to twitter). He maybe relishes when I say that I feel pained as he feels pained and likes the assurance that I feel pain too. So in future: don't confide such turmoiled emotions; don't enter into discussion; don't let the terms be hijacked (he hijacked them by presenting me with the divorce papers without warning), not by her, not by him. Keep the emotions bottled in when I am with him; vent to others. Don't give way to angry retorts as this will also give him a clue about 'pain' and bind you together (except it's illusory binding as he is now with her). When he says we need to talk, ask in advance what specifically he wants to discuss. Be pleasant and neutral about her: don't ask for details; when he offers some, pleasantly say no. Don't put him in a position where he can be sorry for me or patronise me or say how I mean a lot to him or say how wonderful I am: don't allow these. This is how I will protect my well-being. Don't justify or feel the need to explain: this is how I will protect my future.
Advice of my friend and former colleague EW: Be kind. Get a solicitor. Don't pity him. Say, 'I don't want to rush into this.' Don't sell the house yet.