elusivity

[lobelia321]

Why am I here so rarely these days after 15 months of almost continuous obsessive activity during which period only a holiday abroad would keep me away from t'livejournal for longer than a weekend?

Well, I'm not entirely sure myself. I'm in an odd "place" right now (as they might say on a psychobabble sitcom -- or, to use lazulus's word, in an odd "headspace", *g*). I stopped because my job was under threat and that plunged me into depression again; also, I had announced my absence from broadband due to builders in our house.

However, depression did not stop me all throughout the past year. In fact, one escape route from my troubled psyche was t'lj, and one symptom of increased troubledness was increased postage and commentage per day. Also, lack of connection has never stopped me before: I could go to work or use t'reference library's computers or (as I am doing e'en now) yank the orphaned broadband cable across the bannister of the stairs and into the modem). It is true that, frightened as I am of confrontation and offending, I felt "safe" because I had announced impending rarity so that I thought, well, at least nobody will think I'm dead. (Which makes me worry that I worry too much about such things. I mean, surely I can just take a holiday from LJ without angsting over how much I will upset my Friends List? Especially when there's rl redundancy to angst over!)

Anyway, redundancy looms but not immediately, it's still some years down the line. I have whealt and dealt to stave it off but won't go into details. The wheeling and dealing continues.

Am starting to miss LJ, though, hence this post. But am operating on severely reduced Friends list, and not even commenting on that over once a week.

Last week I was so gloomster I even stopped listening to my music. I did, otoh, see Kill Bill -- had me rivetted while in the cinema but is, on retrospect, a slight film.

EB hasn't turned up for the past 2 weeks so he's plummeted *way, way down* in my estimation. Whereas earlier fantasies involved me spotting him in the rain and offering him a lift in my car, present fantasies involve me screeching to a halt at the curb, yelling out "Where have you been then, young man? Did you at least do the reading?" and zooming off, drowning him in a spray of puddle gush.



If there's one thing lecturers (English) and professors (American) hate above all else it's poor attendance without excusing yourself. That is discourteous and reflects very, very badly on t'student and makes me immediately prejudiced against the slackers. I can't be bothered telling students off (they're all notionally grown up, after all, and there's a reason I'm not a teacher like badgermonkey because how does she do it? I don't do discipline.) but I do note absences and adjust my estimation accordingly. Especially ones where students do not come in later, apologise, explain and ask for any missed handouts.

I know that I missed lectures and seminars when a student and never told the lecturer but from the other side of the fence, things look different.

Actually, there is one thing I dislike more than absenteeism: people knitting in class and people answering (!!) their mobiles in class.


I have also bloated again and the one-size-smaller skirt I bought in the wake of my post-birthday shrinkage is now tight around my waist. I will wait until my period stops and see what happens to my figure. I feel like that woman in Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? (What's her name again? Betty or Bubby or something? The one who blew up and went down again.)



Note also that I have disabled the emailing function of LJ. So if you comment please don't be offended if I don't reply for a while because I will not get your comment per email. This is because I've got a yahoo account and when it's full, it starts bouncing emails back. So, because these days I'm not looking at my email, I want to avoid over-stuffing the account. (Anyone who also has yahoo will know what I mean!)


In terms of fandom: am not reading, am not squeeing, have deleted Dom and Orli from my LJ names. What does this mean?? Buggered if I can figure it out at the moment. I am, however, mindful of my duty to my WIPs (yes, 'mindful' is a suitably vague word and hence appropriate) and also pondering plot changes to k/d epic (shock, horror, am I insane?).

But am mostly working on my book now. It will assure my future in academe. And is also tremendous fun. So that's something.

Comments

[crazybutsound]

I'm not sure what I want to answer to this post... I'd miss you if you stopped being here entirely, but not so much for your WIPs (though I would lie if I didn't admit there was that, too) as for your posts. That said, rl has priority over lj for me, so...

I'm sorry about your rl problems, and I just hope they get better. And I'm happy your book is fun. Mine isn't, which is why I still spend so much time doing other stuff, lol.

I guess... What I'm trying to say is that in my opinion, lj is rather trivial as opposed to real life. So I'm not surprised or mad or disappointed that you're dealing with that first. I think it's probably the healthier option. But I'll be glad if/when you get more time for us. ;-)

[brightest-blue.livejournal.com]

*sighs* Well, rather selfishly on my part, I miss you very very much. And I did fleetingly, worry that you were dead. Then I felt stupid, because after all, you should be able to take some time away from LJ without causing the sky to fall.

So sorry you've been feeling down again. Hopefully making some good progress on your book will make you feel accomplished and happy.

In the meantime, you know where to find me! *BIG BIG HUGS and smooches*

[http://users.livejournal.com/_ming/]

It seems like the fandom winds are a'changin'. I don't know if it's because people believe that all love will spontaneously combust after RotK or because any given fandom only has an average shelf life of two or three years, but some girls have already flown the coop. And you know, it's alright if you do as well; DP will complete itself in my idle imaginings if you find you no longer have the desire to complete it, and you'll probably move on to amazing original works. If you become a published fiction author, do please let us know, though? I'll be posting my copy of your masterwork for an autograph. ;)

I hope your depression dwindles with all due haste, right along with your waistline. LJ is a quieter and less lively place without you.

[sheldrake.livejournal.com]

Lobeliaaaaaaaaa! How nice to see your shiny icon of Nedness once again.

Look, I'm using the first icon I ever had. But anyway. Your headspace does seem interesting at the moment. Hm. I hope you're not still in the depths, though.

have deleted Dom and Orli from my LJ names. What does this mean?? Buggered if I can figure it out at the moment.

Perhaps it has something to do with the work situation, and feeling you have to be all adult and responsible, and don't have energy to spare for frivolous fannishness? It is an interesting development though. I seem to feel the winds of change blowing through LJ. I think it's quite exciting, as long as it doesn't lead to people deleting their journals, of course. I do find sudden disappearances so unsettling. Humph.

I didn't expect to like Kill Bill at all, because I've never got on with Tarantino particularly. But I found it immensely enjoyable and entertaining, which was exactly what I needed at the time, so that was good.

Oh dear -- EB has fallen from grace, then. Foolish boy. I have no desire to teach, but I seem to know so many teachers now and I really like hearing teaching stories. I mean -- people knit in class?? How weird! I think galactic_jack had a bit of a shock when he started his job, because he went from overly-enthusiastic mature students during teaching practice to a bunch of sullen teenagers who had to be cajoled into picking up a pencil. Plus he's now teaching 14 yr olds on Saturdays. They don't like to speak, apparently.

Glad to hear the book is going well!

[gabbyhope.livejournal.com]

I have nothing constructive to add other than I'm glad your book is going well, the k/d love hasn't died, and that you're still here even though you're not Here. I hope that makes sense. Even if it doesn't, *hugs*.

[msilverstar]

But am mostly working on my book now. It will assure my future in academe. And is also tremendous fun. So that's something.

Yay for tremendous fun. I'm all for that. Swing by when you feel like it, and tell us what's up.

You won't have seen it but you've been a great influence on me lately. The Vietnamese restaurant showed up in my Maffy Sue story, and I made a therapist appointment this very morning. So your influence lingers ;-)

[bunnysquee.livejournal.com]

i'm very sorry to hear you're depressed again.

when you say your job was under threat, does it mean it no longer is?

are you working on the book you went on sabbatical to research? i know you love the research and the writing and the topic - something to do with history and art, yeah?

can i just ask for one big huge favour - if you ever feel like leaving lj-land permanently, can you please beg grovel post a message saying you're moving on, so that i don't worry, which i do. i care about everyone on my friends list [except one person but i am afraid to delete her]. i've been listening to everyone go on about their lives, and everyone has contributed a little something to my life, and i wish everyone joy. </sentimental rubbish> i just don't want to be left wondering ...

[qthelights.livejournal.com]

hee, we didn't have to go to our lectures if we didn't want to.. only thing compulsary were the discussion groups

[eyebrowofdoom.livejournal.com]

They still know whether you go, though. Oh yes, they know.

Heheh, I can hold a grudge a long time as a teacher.

[novanumbernine.livejournal.com]

well it's always nice to see you when you *do* drop by... :)

i trust you're not actually *allowing* students to answer their mobiles/knit in class?

n.x :)

[viva-gloria.livejournal.com]

Sorry to hear about the RL troubles (though I'm glad that the spectre of redundancy has been banished for a while: and glad the book is still fun, too). Don't worry too much about the fading of fannish squeeing: it comes and goes for me, and I assume not just me. I'm hoping it will be back once I've seen RotK, if not before ...

And ditto with LJ. Sometimes it's a lifeline, and sometimes it just ... doesn't ... whatever.

Am stuck in Novemberishness. Normal service will be resumed.