Rowling the Adverbial

[lobelia321]

Periodically, an admonition against adverbs makes the rounds of LJ and creative writing coursebooks. As anyone who is vaguely familiar with my own LJ knows, I myself, on the other hand, am normally a stout defendrix of the much-maligned adverb.

However, JKR's use thereof may be too much even for me, amazingly but perhapsly not surprisingly:



Here is one section of chapter 33 of OOTP, randomly picked from the text. I have highlighted adverbs in bold and appended my comments below.


'She got carried away,' said Harry. 'By a herd of centaurs.'
'And they left you behind?' asked Ginny, looking astonished.
'No, they got chased off by Grawp,' said Harry.
'Who's Grawp?' Luna asked interestedly.
'Hagrid's little brother,' said Ron promptly. 'Anyway, never mind that now. Harry, what did you find out in the fire? Has You-Know-Who got Sirius or - ?'
'Yes,' said Harry, as his scar gave another painful prickle, 'and I'm sure Sirius is still alive, but I can't see how we're going to get there to help him.'
They all fell silent, looking rather scared; the problem facing them seemed insurmountable.
'Well, we'll have to fly, won't we?' said Luna, in the closest thing to a matter-of-fact voice Harry had ever heard her use.
'OK,' said Harry irritably, rounding on her. 'First of all, "we" aren't doing anything if you're including yourself in that, and second of all, Ron's the only one with a broomstick that isn't being guarded by a security troll, so - '
'I've got a broom!' said Ginny.
'Yeah, but you're not coming,' said Ron angrily.
'Excuse me, but I care what happens to Sirius as much as you do!' said Ginny, her jaw set so that her resemblance to Fred and George was suddenly striking.
'You're too - ' Harry began, but Ginny said fiercely, 'I'm three years older than you were when you fought You-Know-Who over the Philosopher's Stone, and it's because of me that Malfoy's stuck back in Umbridge's office with giant flying bogies attacking him - '
'Yeah, but - '
'We were all in the DA together,' said Neville quietly. 'It was all supposed to be about fighting You-Know-Who, wasn't it? And this is the first chance we've had to do something real - or was that all just a game or something?'
'No - of course it wasn't - ' said Harry impatiently.
'Then we should come too,' said Neville simply. 'We want to help.'
'That's right,' said Luna, smiling happily.
Harry's eyes met Ron's. He knew Ron was thinking exactly what he was: if he could have chosen any members of the DA, in addition to himself, Ron and Hermione, to join him in the attempt to rescue Sirius, he would not have picked Ginny, Neville or Luna.
'Well, it doesn't matter, anyway,' said Harry through gritted teeth, 'because we still don't know how to get there - '
'I thought we'd settled that,' said Luna maddeningly. 'We're flying!'
'Look,' said Ron, barely containing his anger, 'you might be able to fly without a broomstick but the rest of us can't sprout wings whenever we - '
There are ways of flying other than with broomsticks,' said Luna serenely.



My comments

The first thing that struck me about this passage is the intense use of adverbs. To me, it constitutes an over-use, both quantitatively and substantively.

Adverbs are peppered liberally throughout this short section. I counted 18 adverbs over the space of 23 very short, frequently one-sentence paragraphs.

Four of these adverbs are still, rather, just and ever: innocuous little adverblets that slip under the threshold unobtrusively. If I were to beta this passage, I would allow them all to remain, although the use of rather does border on the twee rather: They all fell silent, looking rather scared. (Why not 'looking scared'? If the author had a good answer to that question, I'd let it pass.)

Some other adverbs are used to qualify thoughts or actions (e.g. He knew Ron was thinking exactly what he was) but the majority of the adverbs are used to qualify speech. And here is where I start to quibble.

Out of 21 speech instances, 11 contain adverbs to qualify the declarative verb; e.g. said Ron promptly, or said Neville quietly. A further two are used to contain actions so closely associated with the declarative verb that they function as speech-qualifying adverbs: e.g. said Luna, smiling happily. Indeed, the urge to qualify every single speech utterance has led to some non-adverbial phrases, such as looking astonished; I suspect the only reason we have no adverb here is that looking astonishedly would really be pushing at the boundaries of good grammar taste too much. Although interestedly does come very close to screeching my own aesthetic nails across the adverbial blackboard.

Once I started to notice the mushroom-like proliferation of speech-qualifying adverbs, I saw qualifying attributes everywhere: they are part of JKR's style. It is not a style I particularly admire. Just one example of non-adverbial piling on of attributes, taken from chapter 1 of OOTP:

The balmy evening was suddenly piercingly, bitingly cold. They were surrounded by total, impenetrable, silent darkness, as though some giant hand had dropped a thick, icy mantle over the entire alleyway, blinding them.

..suddenly piercingly, bitingly?? Truly, madly, deeply!

Yes, I know it is not a contradiction in meaning, as such.

If I were the beta, I would say: Cut those adverbs. Learn to love the word 'say' for its own sweet sake. Don't paste on emotions in the short-hand code of the declarative-speech adverb. Please, don't tell me that the evening was at the same time balmy, piercingly AND bitingly cold. And do trust to my aesthetic sense to understand that the darkness was oppressive without the need to resort to no fewer than six qualifications, attributes and adjectives (TOTAL! IMPENETRABLE! SILENT! THICK MANTLE! ICY MANTLE! BLINDING MANTLE!).


Really, truly and verily, it is such prose which gives the adverb its bad name!

But for news of deliciously used adverbs, keep watching this space. ;-)

ETA: Here, for example. (For delicious adverbs, scroll to Nabokov.)

ETA: Nobodydoes it betterthan sheldrake. Her remix of JKR!

Comments

[qthelights.livejournal.com]

*g* yes, i notice this every time I read the books. glad it isn't just me that it annoys!

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Oh! Glad, too, that I'm not the only one whom this annoys! :-)

[cangetmad.livejournal.com]

To be fair, she isn't saying that the evening was balmy and cold at the same time - that sentence is transitional. It was balmy, now it's suddenly piercingly, bitingly cold. Perhaps too many adverbs, but no contradiction.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

The balmy evening was suddenly piercingly, bitingly cold.

To be fair, she isn't saying that the evening was balmy and cold at the same time
Yes, of course. But also to be fair: this sentence is nevertheless a stylistic monstrosity. If I were betaing this, I would say: Yes, I see what you mean but please rewrite: very awkward. Decide on your metaphoric mode: is the cold to be piercing or is it to be biting? Is it really necessary to tell me once again that the evening is balmy (I have learned this through adjectives such as velvety earlier on in this chapter)? I think the 'balmy' can be deleted, and one of the piercingly/bitinglys can be deleted as well. To avoid adberbial overdosage, the suddenly could possibly be changed to an all of a sudden or somesuch.

As it is, the sentence is unwittingly amusing, like a parody of itself.

[sheldrake.livejournal.com]

You know the real problem with this passage, don't you? Not nearly enough similes, metaphors, description and explanation. See what I mean:


'She got carried away,' said Harry, sighing like a small copse of cedars. 'By a herd of centaurs.'

'And they left you behind?', asked Ginny, galloping forward excitedly. Sometimes she reminded Harry of a small centaur herself.

'No, they got chased off by Grawp,' barked Harry, a little like an overgrown Yorkshire terrier that had recently been in a fight with a Hippogriff and broken two of its toes.

'Who's Grawp?' Luna asked interestedly. She was interested. Very interested. They all realised how interested she was, simply by the interested-sounding tone in which she asked the question.

'Hagrid's little brother,' said Ron promptly, like the Hogwarts express arriving exactly on time at Platform whatever-it-was. He whistled softly through his teeth, just like a train! 'Anyway, never mind that now. Harry, what did you find out in the fire? Has You-Know-Who got Sirius or - ?' He trailed off, unwilling to give voice to his deepest, darkest, deadliest, most secretest thoughts.

'Yes,' said Harry, as his scar gave another painful prickle (it felt something like walking into a holly bush on Christmas Eve while looking the wrong way because you heard a sudden noise that reminded you slightly of a distant relative), 'and I'm sure Sirius is still alive, but I can't see how we're going to get there to help him.'

It was true. He couldn't see at all. He felt emotionally, spiritually and mentally blind. As though he were trying to see through a pale green headscarf found in the "all 20p" box in a charity shop.

(continued in next comment)

[sheldrake.livejournal.com]

(continued from previous comment)


They all fell silent, looking as sickeningly terrified as tiny rabbits facing a bulldozer. A very big bulldozer. And very tiny rabbits, remember. The problem facing them seemed insurmountable. Like a really big mountain on a hot day. Yep, they were scared, all right.

'Well, we'll have to fly, won't we?' said Luna, flapping her arms like the Pope on a windy afternoon. 'Fly! Fly, my pretties, fly!'

'OK,' said Harry squarely, rounding on her roundly. Like a circle. 'First of all, "we" aren't doing anything if you're including yourself in that, and second of all, Ron's the only one with a broomstick that isn't being guarded by a security troll, so - ' He had to stop talking then, because he was interrupted by Ginny, who had never been taught that it is rude not to wait for people to finish talking before you just but in like an irritating nanny goat. This was Mrs Weasley's fault.

'I've got a broom!' said Ginny, trotting up and down and neighing. 'I've got a lovely, lovely broom!' Everyone stared at her, as she was obviously insane.

'Yeah, but you're not coming,' said Ron angrily. Ooh, ever so cross he was. Cross as a hot cross bun.

'Excuse me, but I care what happens to Sirius as much as you do!' said Ginny, her jaw set in concrete. The resemblance to a breeze block was suddenly striking. And when it struck them, it hurt.

'You're too - ' Harry began, but had to stop talking again as Ginny said fiercely (like a tiger or something), 'I'm three years older than you were when you fought You-Know-Who over the Philosopher's Stone, and it's because of me that Malfoy's stuck back in Umbridge's office with giant flying bogies attacking him - '

'Yeah, but - ' Harry had been going say something else, but again found it impossible to get a word in edgewise.

'We were all in the DA together,' said Neville quietly. So quietly, in fact, that nobody heard him. So he might as well not have said anything at all.

Nobody said anything to that because Neville, as I have explained, was so bloody quiet.

Harry's eyes met Ron's. He knew Ron was thinking exactly what he was: if only they could be alone together in an unnecessarily small space (such as a cupboard), just for a little while. But it was impossible. This, after all, was canon, not fanon.

'Well, it doesn't matter, anyway,' said Harry through the grit in his teeth (he really ought to stop eating grit, he thought to himself), 'because we still don't know how to get there - '

'I thought we'd settled that,' said Luna maddeningly. 'We're flying!' They were all maddened by this maddening comment.

'Look,' said Ron, barely containing his anger in a small plastic bag from a popular high street store, 'you might be able to fly without a broomstick but the rest of us can't sprout wings whenever we - '

There are ways of flying other than with broomsticks,' said Luna serenely. Like a serene, placid, calm unruffled, still, very, very still lake.

And then they died.

[sheldrake.livejournal.com]

ps. I apologise. I'm having one of those days.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Apologies? I love this! I've ETA'ed a link to it!

Love the icon, too, dudette. Us both, actually. Only I am disguising it in mode of Philip Marlowe.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Apologies? I love this! I've ETA'ed a link to it!

Love the icon, too, dudette. Us both, actually. Only I am disguising it in mode of Philip Marlowe.

[lazulus]

Oh, am so glad to see your practising [argh! can't be arsed to remember which one it is!!] for the upcoming masterwerk!!

Have you joined the community yet, missy?

[sheldrake.livejournal.com]

*blink*

Ok, I give up. What community?

[lazulus]

Ack! Did you not get the invite from Fi? ealing_comedy. Go join although you may have to wait for approval from Fi as I am not sure I can do it!

[sheldrake.livejournal.com]

No, but I'm not terribly surprised, as my email's been behaving like a right bastard today. I have submitted my request!

[lazulus]

Approved!!

[sheldrake.livejournal.com]

That was quick!

Hee, Ealing Comedy! Love it, and the icon. :)

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Love that 'what' icon! How did you get the pale blue background? I fiddled endlessly with bloody Photoshop; drove me mad. But you will understand that it was necessary to delete that busy Chinese-Portraitmaker background and substitute a solid block of hue.

[sheldrake.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Actually I fiddled with mine quite a lot in Photoshop - it looks quite different from the original. Yeah, so I chose the transparent background from Portrait Maker and stuck it on a layer of the blue of my choice. And then I changed my hair and eye colours and added my habitual miserable expression. :)

[brightest-blue.livejournal.com]

*dies laughing*

[brightest-blue.livejournal.com]

Interestedly? I remember reading that the first time and thinking, NOOOOOO!

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

You remember this particular interestedly?

*rubs chin interestedly*

*yay, intriguedly, e'en*

[brightest-blue.livejournal.com]

Yes, that particular one! I don't think she uses it very often. But even once is too much! she said annoyedly. :)

[brightest-blue.livejournal.com]

Oh, and I was also going to say: it's almost as though she's trying to hit a certain- very high- word count. No wonder these books are so long!

[sheldrake.livejournal.com]

Heh, bit like me doing National Novel Writing Month: "Must have more words... what's this, a recipe for cakes? Shove that in ... copy and paste stuff off the internet, whatever - must beat the word count!"

Maybe she's doing National Novel Writing Life?

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

"Yes, Ron," he said spicedly.

"Oh, Draco," he said vinegarily.

"Right there, yes," he said boilingly.

"Mm," he said marinatedly.

[sheldrake.livejournal.com]

Ha! Marinatedly! :)

[brightest-blue.livejournal.com]

Hee. Or maybe she gets paid by the word. The last book might be 3000 pages long.

[sheldrake.livejournal.com]

I wouldn't be at all surprised. :)

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Yes, it's true!!! Slathering it on!!

[isiscolo.livejournal.com]

There are adverbs, and then there are adverbs upon adverbs with adverbs on the side. Even Stephen King twitted her for this, in a review.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Did he, now? King admonished kinglily.

[cupiscent.livejournal.com]

ROFL! Dude, I was just re-reading OotP the other day, and boggling at the adverbiage, and thinking of you.

Mwah.

But, you see, that sort of cheap, easy, uncommunicative writing, using adverbs, is why beginning writers are told to avoid them. Like first person, they look easy, but are actually very, very hard to use right.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

But JKR is not a beginning writer!!!! Ack.