FIC: Transitive (HP/SS/DM) G

[lobelia321]

FIC: Transitive
Author: Lobelia
Fandom: HP
Pairing: Harry, Snape, Draco
Rating: PG (!!)
Mood: Exasperated.
Category: No angst, no hurt, no sense.
Length: A quickie, in all senses of the word.
Mary-Sue Warning: I'm the kumquat.
Disclaimer: The persons herein parodied are the copyrighted property of Ms J.K. Rowling and of that numinous entity, fanon (I love you so).
Summary: A grammar lesson is endured. Another one follows suit.
Thanks: To the lovely painless_j for the inspiration. :-)


-----

"We need to have a grammar lesson. Please enter my dungeons immediately."

Grammar? Grammar? "Isn't that for Muggles?" And, as an afterthought: "Sir."

"Goodness me and all of Merlin's dangly bits, Potter. You use language, don't you? So you employ grammar, don't you? On second thoughts... Anyhow, magic is a type of language and therefore, magic has its own kind of grammar. And it is imperative that you receive a refresher lesson in it!"

Don't know why he always calls me into his rotten old so-called office. Spiders in the corners and mould -- yes, mould, I swear I saw mould -- on the ceiling. And it's kind of smelly, too.

"Now, Potter, pay attention."

And yes, he's scowling again. Or frowning. Or something. Hard to see his facial expression through the lank locks.

"Object and subject. Transitive and intransitive."

"Yes..." Try to maintain a semi-interested look in the face. Or we'll be here for-bloody-ever.

"It might be wise to take notes, Potter. I know that you're not in the habit of..."

"Yes, yes, yes. Sir. Sir Snape."

He's choosing to ignore that. All right. Lifting that eyebrow of his again. Don't know why he always does that. Amazed it's visible behind the silken but oh so greasy tresses.

"Object: that kumquat over yonder. Subject: I. Observe: I (the subject) will fetch the kumquat (the object). Fetch being the predicate."

Where is this going? I want to yawn.

"Note: I (subject) lift the wand (object). Accio! There. The object has obeyed the command of the subject."

He's biting into it. How disgusting. Juice and pulp and seeds all dribbling down his chin. Somebody lick it off, please.

Not me, of course.

I don't do licking.

"The grammar of magic, Potter. Subjects manipulate objects."

That yawn is still stuck in my throat. What's bitten him, anyway? Has he been away on one of those staff training days again? Last time that happened, he tormented us all with babble-di-brook about thinking inside boxes and brainshowering.

Or something.

"Transitive and intransitive. I lay the wand upon the table. See? Transitive. I, lay, wand. Subject, predicate, object. But, and this is an important but, the wand now lies upon the table. Subject, predicate and..."

That spider on the window sill is really huge. I wonder if spiders eat yoghurt?

"And, Potter? And?"

"Um. What?"

"Yes, yes, what, indeed. I shall repeat the example, but only once. The wand -- see the wand? -- lies -- see? -- upon the table -- see the table?"

See the wand. See the wand wave. See Snape run.

"Subject, predicate and no object. No direct object! You cannot say 'I lie the wand upon the table', can you? Just as you cannot say 'I am laying on the sofa.' You have to say, I am laying the wand on the sofa. I am laying the kumquat on the table. I am laying... any examples of your own, Potter?"

Laying.

Now there's an interesting thought.

But Snape's not my kind of dude, not really. So later I amble on down to the S's' common room, mumble the sneaky-heaky spell, invisible myself down the stairs and up the chute and round the spiral maze and straight into Malfoy's chamber.

"Listen up, Drakesey. Transitive, intransitive, right? You lie down on the bed and prepare to get laid."

"What? By who?"

"Whom, Drakester. Whom. Remember your grammar."

"God, have you been seeing Snape again?"

"Shut up and be the object for a change."

THE END
Lobelia, 30 August 2004



ETA: Changed a 'smirking' to a 'scowling'. I mean, what was I thinking?! Snape scowls, it is Draco who smirks. 1 Oct. 04.