FIC: Transitive (HP/SS/DM) G

[lobelia321]

FIC: Transitive
Author: Lobelia
Fandom: HP
Pairing: Harry, Snape, Draco
Rating: PG (!!)
Mood: Exasperated.
Category: No angst, no hurt, no sense.
Length: A quickie, in all senses of the word.
Mary-Sue Warning: I'm the kumquat.
Disclaimer: The persons herein parodied are the copyrighted property of Ms J.K. Rowling and of that numinous entity, fanon (I love you so).
Summary: A grammar lesson is endured. Another one follows suit.
Thanks: To the lovely painless_j for the inspiration. :-)


-----

"We need to have a grammar lesson. Please enter my dungeons immediately."

Grammar? Grammar? "Isn't that for Muggles?" And, as an afterthought: "Sir."

"Goodness me and all of Merlin's dangly bits, Potter. You use language, don't you? So you employ grammar, don't you? On second thoughts... Anyhow, magic is a type of language and therefore, magic has its own kind of grammar. And it is imperative that you receive a refresher lesson in it!"

Don't know why he always calls me into his rotten old so-called office. Spiders in the corners and mould -- yes, mould, I swear I saw mould -- on the ceiling. And it's kind of smelly, too.

"Now, Potter, pay attention."

And yes, he's scowling again. Or frowning. Or something. Hard to see his facial expression through the lank locks.

"Object and subject. Transitive and intransitive."

"Yes..." Try to maintain a semi-interested look in the face. Or we'll be here for-bloody-ever.

"It might be wise to take notes, Potter. I know that you're not in the habit of..."

"Yes, yes, yes. Sir. Sir Snape."

He's choosing to ignore that. All right. Lifting that eyebrow of his again. Don't know why he always does that. Amazed it's visible behind the silken but oh so greasy tresses.

"Object: that kumquat over yonder. Subject: I. Observe: I (the subject) will fetch the kumquat (the object). Fetch being the predicate."

Where is this going? I want to yawn.

"Note: I (subject) lift the wand (object). Accio! There. The object has obeyed the command of the subject."

He's biting into it. How disgusting. Juice and pulp and seeds all dribbling down his chin. Somebody lick it off, please.

Not me, of course.

I don't do licking.

"The grammar of magic, Potter. Subjects manipulate objects."

That yawn is still stuck in my throat. What's bitten him, anyway? Has he been away on one of those staff training days again? Last time that happened, he tormented us all with babble-di-brook about thinking inside boxes and brainshowering.

Or something.

"Transitive and intransitive. I lay the wand upon the table. See? Transitive. I, lay, wand. Subject, predicate, object. But, and this is an important but, the wand now lies upon the table. Subject, predicate and..."

That spider on the window sill is really huge. I wonder if spiders eat yoghurt?

"And, Potter? And?"

"Um. What?"

"Yes, yes, what, indeed. I shall repeat the example, but only once. The wand -- see the wand? -- lies -- see? -- upon the table -- see the table?"

See the wand. See the wand wave. See Snape run.

"Subject, predicate and no object. No direct object! You cannot say 'I lie the wand upon the table', can you? Just as you cannot say 'I am laying on the sofa.' You have to say, I am laying the wand on the sofa. I am laying the kumquat on the table. I am laying... any examples of your own, Potter?"

Laying.

Now there's an interesting thought.

But Snape's not my kind of dude, not really. So later I amble on down to the S's' common room, mumble the sneaky-heaky spell, invisible myself down the stairs and up the chute and round the spiral maze and straight into Malfoy's chamber.

"Listen up, Drakesey. Transitive, intransitive, right? You lie down on the bed and prepare to get laid."

"What? By who?"

"Whom, Drakester. Whom. Remember your grammar."

"God, have you been seeing Snape again?"

"Shut up and be the object for a change."

THE END
Lobelia, 30 August 2004



ETA: Changed a 'smirking' to a 'scowling'. I mean, what was I thinking?! Snape scowls, it is Draco who smirks. 1 Oct. 04.

Comments

[painless-j.livejournal.com]

Hee, now I'll remember it forever! If only all my grammar lessons were like this :)

But, sad to say, I suppose I'm still better at English grammar than too many native speakers who rush to write fanfic not being able to put two words together

How about the idea of a cycle? Homophone abuse as the next topic? :)

Thanks, dear, I'm still giggling.

homophonic homophobes

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

I had already been thinking of that! A kind of themed mini-series! I wanted to do adverbs next...

Re: homophonic homophobes

[painless-j.livejournal.com]

Wee! Hooray! :)

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

P.S. What is sexy hand in icon, btw?

And thanks for reading!

[painless-j.livejournal.com]

Minerva McGonagall :)

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Ah, and here I thought it was a man's!! This comes from not having watched the movies. *g* (Well, only the first one. That did me.)

[brightest-blue.livejournal.com]

Bwahaha!!! I'm glad you finally clear up that lay/lie thing. And yes! It's "whom," as Treebeard would say. :-)

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Oh, sheldrake did it much better than I could but I simply cannot find her post on it now. Bah. Treebeard!! Hoohom! Slashiest character in Tolkien, he really is. Whoops, I just wrote 'Tolstoy' and had to correct that. What does this say about me? John Reuelovich. Thanks for reading.

[travelingcarrot.livejournal.com]

Heee. That was very entertaining. I never managed to make grammar that much fun in any language.

(If you were to write about homophone abuse, I suppose it would have to have a warning for the benefit of those who get squicked by such things. WARNING:non-consensual homophone abuse)

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

*snorts* Yes, homophonic homophobes. Grammar is so juicy. Thanks for reading.

[viva-gloria.livejournal.com]

Shut up and be the object for a change

Charmingly education, and fiendishly suggestive. Though H/D? Nah.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

I cannot write HP without Draco, Crabbe or Goyle in it. And I cannot stand Snape/Harry. So of course I had to put it in. And then flee into Harry/someone else. Because I can't envision Harry with anyone else. With anyone, really. I mean, Ron? Argh. Anyway, my long HP fic is so unfanonical, I dashed this off as a bone to throw to fanon. :-) Thanks for reading.

[childeproof.livejournal.com]

A triumph of pedagogy and fruit abuse.

There was no need to point out the Kumquat-Sue in the headers - it was quite plain...

*plans to combine slash, CV-fortifying and procrastination of conference paper with an article to be titled ''Laying the Kumquat': the Erotics of Grammar in HP slash'*

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

There was no need to point out the Kumquat-Sue in the headers - it was quite plain...
*cackles insanely*

'Laying the Kumquat': the Erotics of Grammar in HP slash'*,/i>
*bursts out laughing even more insanely*

Grammar! It's teh new sex!

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

"Kum, quat."

"But I've already cum."

*hides*

[sheldrake.livejournal.com]

Yaaaay, grammar!! ;)

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Grammar is teh new sex. Thanks for reading, oh billed speculumed one.

[josanpq.livejournal.com]

Bravo!

Now then, could you do one on the difference between "bring" and "take"?

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

I thought 'go' and 'come' might make a nice pairing. *g*

Thanks for reading!

[stellahobbit.livejournal.com]

"Goodness me and all of Merlin's dangly bits, Potter.

Well spank my arse, and call me a Potions master! Nice work :-)

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Well, after all that discussion about God or no God and Merlin or no Merlin, I had to put that in. *g*

Thanks for reading!

[erised1810.livejournal.com]

bwahahaha! a good laugh. Soon eough we'd be pairing up cmmonly confused words. Now tht'sd a whole new kind of het/slash/femslash. ;)

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Wow! A really belated feedback! *is majorly impressed and very chuffed*

Thank you! *does curtsey and beams*

[erised1810.livejournal.com]

well the link has been around just as long. I found it thgough someoe wo had been pointing outthe gramar the serious way nd/or perhaps in one ofthe newsletters of some sort. :)
have youever done sequels?

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

No, alas. The only other HP fic I've ever posted is one about Dementors. I am just tormenting myself with an endless Draco opus that's been obsessing me for almost a year now. Perhaps I'll actually manage to finish and post one of these days... Thanks for asking.

[erised1810.livejournal.com]

eee. dementors!
and anoter one with a hopeless wip. *shakes hands*.

[vasiliki.livejournal.com]

Laying.

Now there's an interesting thought.

But Snape's not my kind of dude, not really.

Oh, thank goodness! :D Then maybe you'd like to change the "HP/SS/DM" on the title, because it means "threesome" - I almost didn't read the fic because of that, but I decided to go ahead because I trust you as a writer.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Oh goodness, a header quibble for a throwaway kumquat fic! Vasi, I would never write a Snape threesome because I loathe Snape except as soon as I write 'I would never' a strange inner voice prompts me to think 'hm, but...'; oh but when Fabularasa writes Snape, or Thamiris, I love him; I forgot to mention that. I really should add the kumquat in as part of the three (four?) some.

You are too sweet to be reading all this!!