news from the domestic front

[lobelia321]

I have joined an absurd thing called Flylady. I first heard about this from natasha1805. It is a yahoo group with a website attached, run by two American women who send out loads of emails every day, reminding you to do some household work, such as making your bed, decluttering your kitchen shelf and, most importantly, SHINING YOUR SINK. It is basically an electronic nagging device, and I am totally addicted!!

I have not been ficcing, I have not been LJing, I have been cleaning the house. Mainly, and rather obessively, I have been SHINING THE SINK. (This, it seems, is what Americans call 'polishing the sink' and what Germans call 'die Spüle auf Hochglanz bringen'.)

Some notes on my Life With Flylady:

1. First, may I note that this is a ridiculous and absurd name for a group and I feel embarrassed at leaving their print-outs around the house. But as I am reading the print-outs obsessively, this cannot be helped. The logo on the homepage is an equally absurd fat pink matron with fairy wings.

2. The whole tone and ideology of the thing is redolent of 1950s housewifery. It's Mrs Brady meets Wilma Firestone. I feel like hopping across the carpet dressed in a frilly waist-length apron and nothing else besides. Plus I should really have a perm. Still, this does not stop my addiction.

3. The ideology is also relentlessly heterosexual and nuclear family. Apparently, women who are lesbian or single or childless do not have a problem with clutter. Still, this does not stop my addiction.

4. lazlet said 'Sink? What sink? Who cares?' Eek, but I do! Pathetically, I do! I have lived with clutter-induced guilt for years and years. This all goes back to my mother who is the Housewife of Your Dreams and a Wonderful Homemaker, and I, in my Depressed State, tied myself into knots of domestic denial. Anything remotely to do with housework was out of bounds for me because it threatened to turn me into my mother! Yet, I feel depressed by the wave of untidy and slovenly house surrounding me. All that stuff! Overwhelming. But now, hey: I am SHINING MY SINK. *falls over, dishrag in hand* I have even SPRAYED MY SINK WITH WINDOW CLEANER!

5. I started out in the obsessive online world with subversive feminine porn and where have I ended up? With the housewives. Betty Friedman, you will blanch. However, here is why I love it: Because the house has been getting me down since 1997, and before that, our previous houses got me down. There is the psycho-guilt of it all, and there are the practicalities: everything takes forever because I can never find a child's underwear in time for school, any sock that matches any other sock in time for work, any food that is not mouldy at 7.30 pm when I'm near-fainting with hunger.

6. The reason the house is a pigsty mess is that I am a great SHIRKER. I have shirked by writing fic, and then I have shirked writing fic by doing some other shit. And now I am shirking writing my book and marking 80 essays by SHINING MY SINK. I realise this. Cleaning has become a mode of shirking. This is new. As a scorpio (*pathetically digs up long-left-behind superstitions left over from teenage non-rationality*), I am prone to sudden enthusiasms. I throw myself into something top to tail, and then, a few weeks (nay, days!) later, I have lost all interest. SHINING THE SINK may well go the way of setting up a research project, writing a book, writing an HP opus, writing a DP epic and painting the loft staircase. But then I will no doubt be nagged back to the SINK by those relentlessly cheery emails.

7. Americans are odd. They all seem to have at least three bathrooms, including something called a 'master bathroom' (kinky or what? 'Yes, master. Throw me over that bathtub rim one more time.'). They have kitchens that you can live in. They have front porches. They have to leave the house to collect their mail rather than have it plopping it onto their doormat through a slot in the door. (Hah, in Germany, too, you have to leave the house if you live in a flat on a higher floor. But then you don't have a porch.)

They call the toilet bathroom, and the actual toilet bowl commode. This reminds me of King Louis XIV. They have something called Windex and something else called Comet. They have dish rags, dish cloths and dish towels, whatever the differences may be. They eat weird things. They also condone gang rape in their prisons but this is not something I learned on Flylady.

8. The absurd Flypeople want you to get dressed down to your lace-up shoes. Again, this conjures up Mrs Brady. Lace-up shoes! I only own one pair to begin with. I am, however and humbly, starting to see the point. Wearing shoes means that there is no barrier to taking out the garbage when the outside is wet. Still, my slippers are my workshoes. I need to wear them when writing my book. And it's unhealthy for feet to be in shoes in the home. It causes Foot-in-Shoe syndrome.

9. There is something very nice called Take A Break in the whole absurd programme. Yes, I am pathetic enough to need to be reminded (to take a break from stressing and obsessing). It is very nice to be told what to do, and very nice to be told to Take A Break. The recommendation was to Take A Bubble Bath. However, this is just too impossibly housewifishly twee (although maybe I missed the suggestion of Wanking While Taking A Bubble Bath?) so instead I ate some marzipan and drank some madeira. I shall progress to shameless drinking while fantasising about Harry disciplining Draco with a bridle and bit.

10. The oddest thing about this whole insanity is that there is no mention of Orlando Bloom, naked and feather-dusting the bric-a-brac. There must be something remiss with my server.

Comments

[lazulus]

My mother is also a complete houseproud anal-retentive. Ergo, I AM NOT!

I remain convinced that life's too short to do housework. However, if I could, I'd have a cleaner and get them to do it. It's not that I don't love the idea of a clean and tidy, orderly house, but I really just can't be arsed about it.

However, this is just too impossibly housewifishly twee so instead I ate some marzipan and drank some madeira. I shall progress to shameless drinking while fantasising about Dudley doing Draco.

ACK!! They are simply encouraging you to turn into a lush!!

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

What's a lush?

My mother is not anal retentive. She truly IS a wonderful homemaker. I love being in her house. I just want to be able to love it without guilting about it. I'm working on it.

For me, life's too short to struggle with mess. Mess actually wastes time but I haven't so far been able to figure out how to make the mess go away. We have a cleaner but she cleans, she does not make mess go away.

[novanumbernine.livejournal.com]

step. away. from. the. sink.

that sounds truly horrifying.

n.x :)

[novanumbernine.livejournal.com]

marizpan, yummy.

n.x :)

[bunnysquee.livejournal.com]

who are you and what have you done with the lobester?!! step away from the sink slowly and no moudy food will be hurt!

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

*cackles*

*attacks you with vacuum cleaner*

Aren't you supposed to be at Orc?????

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

I vill never surrender. I vill never leave Lobelia's brain. Ve vill conquer! I am ze hive mind!

Bwuahahahahahahahah!!!!! *proceeds to eat up LJ lobelia321*

[phineasjones.livejournal.com]

i'm afraid i am ultimately responsible as i introduced natasha to flylady...

i flylady-ed instensely for months and i have to say it made me incredibly happy. i eventually stopped when winter holidays disrupted my routines and then a.) it all seemed too overwhelming and huge to get back into and b.) your #6. i did use flylady to help me be better about things besides housework - practice and work etc. but i found that while my house was nearing perfection, truly important things continued to stagnate.

so i give a modified thumbs up to people starting flylady. i made reference (which natasha saw) to it in my ADD-centric lj (phinicky) because it is entirely relevant. but i'm now trying to go more in depth and figure out why somethig like flylady works for someone like me and how i can set up a system that's more keyed to my needs - and still inculdes having a spiffingly clean house.

also, there's the horrifying gooiness of it. her 'purple puddles' or whatever she says and all the freaky stepford-ness. there exists a group for people who can't take that side of things... i can't remember what it's called... something like batlady. but it's not as intese or addictive, imo. so. i dunno. but i'm glad to see i'm not the only one obsessed by things like this. when i did it, i was too embarassed to even mention it on lj.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Hah!

Hahahaahhah. *falls over and hugs you*

This is so funny and so intriguing and so nice to have news from somebody who's been there and done that and escaped lobotomy!

And it made you intensely happy! I can totally see that. Weirdly. But simply the fact that I'm getting on with doing something, even if it's only a little, is making me more optimistic towards the entire house. And you managed to get a near-perfect house! That is such incentive.

Although I also take your other point: perfect house but imperfect rest of life? Otoh, if the truly important things are going to stagnate, they may as well do it in a clean house rather than in a messy house, mayn't they? Or did you see a causal connection there anyway? I think I've been mired for years by the psycho-connection in my head 'housework is for the braindead and the fluffbunnies; I do intellectual work only'. This is not a good attitude and leads to dejection. It is also all because of my mother guilt, and I am finally getting over and through my mother guilt.

The gooiness!
something like batlady. but it's not as intese or addictive, imo.
You know, I think you may be onto something here. Even though it's unbearably gooey, it maybe wouldn't work without the gooeyness. As if that needs to be there for it all to function, somehow.

You were too embarrassed to mention it on LJ! That is so sweet and funny!

Heh. Lj is where I dump stuff that embarrasses me in real life!

[giglet.livejournal.com]

Yeah. Flylady.

I'd like it a lot better if she didn't try to be cute, didn't treat readers like lost children (I want to use "patronizing" but that's not right, nor is "matronizing" although that's closer to the right word), and didn't insist on dragging her religion into the discussion unnecessarily.

But damn. It works, even when I do it in a half-assed once-in-a-while way.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Eek, you do it, too??! They're crawling out of the woodwork now! Goodness me.

And, as I was discussing with phineasjones above, the cheesiness in a strange way is perhaps necessary for it all to work. A more no-nonsense approach wouldn't perhaps have the same mesmerising weird quality.

I haven't come across any religious bits yet, only something about spirituality which is so trite that I can cope fine. *g*

[brightest-blue.livejournal.com]

Bwahahaha!! *cackles evilly* Yes, Flylady is like some hyperactive 1950's throwback. I'm trying to ignore the "bless your hearts" and sappy handholding and just focus on the nagging. She's still somewhat less annoying than my mother. When I told my mother about Flylady, she was like, "well, I could call you and tell you to do all of those things." ack. Not quite the same.

I'm still wondering about viable lace-up shoes. I catalogued my vast shoe collection and found only one pair of trainers, a pair of hiking boots, and a pair of ugly but comfortable German walking shoes. I wouldn't wear any of those on a regular basis. I compromise by wearing my Ugs around the house. They're comfy & slipper-like, but I can go get the mail (if it came through a slot in the door, the dog would eat it before I could get to it, which happens eventually anyway. Unopened mail gets put in a huge pile on the dining room table, and puppy is now big enough to jump up and grab a few pieces to chew on), put out the trash or make a run to the grocery store without having to put actual shoes on.

And daily bubble-baths? Yeah, right! I too have substituted alcohol and chocolate when necessary.

While it is true that many American kitchens are vast, and a lot of family time does happen there, those of us who live in condos or apartments are accustomed to tiny ones. Mine is adorable, but so small that two people bump into each other- and the dog- constantly.

But hey! Your sink is clean! Mine is currently not. *rushes off*

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

*bursts out laughing*

I am still getting used to the idea of discussing shoe-wear and the latest cleaning products on LJ. *laughs with a tinge of hysteria but also happily*

And: my SINK IS CLEAN. I am obsessive about that sink now. And it's true! A whole house of chaos and yuk but in the middle, like some shining beacon, MY CLEAN SINK. I have also never thought of the sink as mine before but now I have appropriated it.

I can't believe (well, I can) that you actually trawled your shoe collection for a lace-up pair! Maybe I will put on my one lone pair and test if it actually makes a difference. Hah! Hahahaha.

Your dining room table with its mail is clearly a Hot Spot!

The point about your mother's nagging being worse is so funny. It's odd how these things are about our mothers. I'm convinced that cleaning has a totally different cathectic and libidinal and psycho-shit value for women than for men. It's so funny that you told your mother! I'd be embarrassed but maybe I'd like to get over that.

[mandalaya.livejournal.com]

It's extremely, painfully cutesy, and I have none of these adored and adoring spouse and kidlets she prattles on about, but I like my shiny sink, and her tip to use your towel or some tissue to wipe up the bathroom floor every morning (or once in a week, in my life), and the idea that 15 minutes really helps. And that less stuff is much better than more.

I'm curious about the non-saccharine group that phineasjones mentioned, that could be good.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

As I was discussing with phineasjones only seconds ago, I am starting to wonder whether the cutesy saccharineness isn't part of the mesmeric attraction. As if it wouldn't perhaps work without that stuff.

But you have also tried this!! Crawling out of the woodwork! *boggles at all the sekrit sink-shiners on her flist*

[noblerot.livejournal.com]

I am strangely fascinated by this.

*runs to check out site*

[cathexys.livejournal.com]

it is incredibly scary! i checked it out after lobelia first mentioned it asnd was mesmerized like watching a car accident :-) her points are incredibly accurate; the shoes got me as well!

maybe it's just that i never get things like that or maybe i just can't imagine telling my family to wipe down the sink after they use it, but i don't think i could ever do it. i love some of the ideas (like decluttering 15 minutes a day for example), so i might take some of the suggestions.

but, lovelia, i loved your post and your analysis. and the good thing about having three bathrooms and over 300 squaremeters of house with a kitchen to live in (and the obligatory MASTER bedroom..yes, i always had to keep from giggling when we went looking at houses :-) is that clutter disperses...the bad thing is cleaning three toilets and mopping and these floors and :-)

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

I was, too.

I warn you. It's a slippery slope. Before long, you'll be buying window cleaner and dust cloths at your late-night supermarket, like I just did.

1111111

[sheldrake.livejournal.com]

AHAHAHAHA! This is HILARIOUS! This entire post is a delight of the first order. I LOVE it times a million. :)

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

*snorts* Well, I'm pleased I amuse. This whole StepfordWifeLady seems to have turned me into a Figure of Fun.

*brandishes newly-bought bottles of window cleaner*

[ios-pillow-book.livejournal.com]

The oddest thing about this whole insanity is that there is no mention of Orlando Bloom, naked and feather-dusting the bric-a-brac.

So there's clearly something remiss with this FlyLady.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Black Djin!

Weird icon.

[badgermonkey.livejournal.com]

Organisation is the new fandom!

I am *all* about the getting sorted out this year because I was bone tired of losing kids' work, and getting into school and not knowing what I had to do, and making worksheets more than once because I lost the first, and marking things at 6am because I'd forgotten about it.

So I tidied my study and sorted everything out and I have been staying late and - and - keeping the house tidy and visitor-clean.

And it's great! But I don't need no steenking flylady.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

I had this secret hunch that you would manage all this without help from a nagging internet aunt. I can't.

But then you are my shining paeon (spelling?) of organisational shiningness.

Organism addict!

[the-oscar-cat.livejournal.com]

i agree with everything you've said.

however whenever something annoys me i have decided to re-write it in my head. it works on tv, and in real life - that is, lets face it, what being a slasher is all about.