the big black dog of depression is here again

[lobelia321]

Oh dear, am spiralling down again.



I might have suspected, what with the acerbic posts about timed wanking over the last few days, and then this morning the weepy melancholy about t'younger son's birthday. Also, the procrastinatory activity of sink shining taken to obsessive proportions.

Well, at least I have got better at spotting the signs somewhat earlier than I used to be. I'm now trying to stave off the depths, or at least be prepared to move through them quickly. It's that sudden hopeless feeling, despite the sun shining on the tops of the foliage outside my eyrie window and a blustery wind making the shadows dance.

I think I am the sort of person who needs deadlines. So maybe the most profitable step at the moment would not be writing the book but getting a contract which means having a deadline. It doesn't even have to be with a febulous publisher. What use is a febulous publisher if you have no book? Better to have a book, full stop. So I'm going to time myself (on my new digital timer) for 15 minutes, writing just any old thing on my conference paper (which does have a deadline, after all, and is due in Atlanta mid-February and has Not Been Written), and then I'm going to spend another 20-30 minutes looking at past book proposals I've written and sent, including the one Yale rejected and what they said, and my scribbled revisions of that proposal. And I'm going to see if I can fix that up with minimum heartache and just send it to my present publisher and be done with it. Then, if they also reject it, I can move on to the next publisher down the line.

Okay, but even thinking that far ahead is making my lungs feel oppressed. So I'm just going to think 15 minutes paper and 15 minutes looking at past proposals.

*takes deep breath*

*wonders if this post should be friends locked; has collected so many unknown readers of late*

*decides not to bother for now but to 'monitor the situation', as they say*

*decides also that locking-or-not-locking paranoia is possibly a sign of the big black dog*

Comments

[viva-gloria.livejournal.com]

locking-or-not-locking paranoia is possibly a sign of the big black dog

Yes, or over-attention to the little things whilst ignoring the big things. At least this is what I tend to do. Fifteen minutes at a time, however grim, can help. Is there an option of doing something New at any point this weekend? (Unknown art gallery, Expedition to Anywhere, story-telling with Tarot cards, tearing up writing and making papier-mache lingam sculpture ...)

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Thank you for kind tig. Your suggestions are very good; it is true that going out and doing something often serves to make me feel better. We are actually seeing some lovely friends for tea on Sunday so that is a social activity to look forward to (I have to force myself to see people when I'm feeling down; I get terribly isolated). I want to go to London to see The Turks but am not sure I'll be able to do it before the 29th.

[crazybutsound]

Oh dear. Well, taking things at a time and setting small deadlines is maybe a good start. I hope you can fight off the depths and feel better again soon.

*decides also that locking-or-not-locking paranoia is possibly a sign of the big black dog*

Ah, yes. Most likely.

*gives you many many hugs*

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Thank you for tigging. My deadlines didn't work (see more recent post) but perhaps I will just slog on nevertheless and start again. Step nr 1: get off LJ. *waves bye-bye for now*

:-)

[jayest.livejournal.com]

Good luck with those deadlines!
I have to say that I am exactly the same. I get so much more done under time pressure.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

It's been quite helpful at least realising that I am the kind of person who needs a deadline. I'm now trying to figure out how to make that work for me. Thanks for the kind tig. :-)

[cathexys.livejournal.com]

feeling with and for you. am about to start on my new project which every fibet in my body doesn't want to do, but i sent my last paper off last night and now have no excuse any more...i mean, i could clean the house, but i might just take writing over toilets :-)

maybe we can encourage one another!!!

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

I have been so impressed with you over your paper-workshopping. I have three weeks to go and have done nothing, and it is filling me with dread. I know that I could, theoretically, get over this and get something written -- not a Pulitzer essay but something perfectly passable -- but my frame of mind has been such that I have been feeling too hopeless for even starting to do that. :-( Thanks for the kind tig.

[lush-rimbaud.livejournal.com]

Have you tried going running or biking or doing some other kind of intense exercise? That helps me -- I think that it's a combination of the endorphins your brain releases when you run, and the fact that if you get really interested in trying to get better at a sport/exercise, then that sense of purpose helps you get out of the depressive mindset. Or, well, it helps me anyway -- I'm sorry if this is advice you've heard a hundred times before.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Before I reply to your kind tig, let me just stare at your icon for three minutes.

*stares at icon for three minutes*

Oh, Baby!Dom! Those were the days.

I have taken up two kinds of physical activity (because I used to do none) for the very reason you mention. Every Monday I go swimming, and every Thursday I do yoga. It might be helpful to do more yoga, little sessions throughout the week. But then when I'm down, I'm too down to do it! It's a stupid, stupid situation.

Thank you! :-)

[novanumbernine.livejournal.com]

quite apart from anything else, it's a horrible time of year. make sure you do nice things as well as work things.

n.x :)

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Yes, I keep reminding myself of this. December is cold and dark and gloomy but it's full of social life and Christmas parties and children's advent activities and frenzied preparations. January is just as cold and dark and gloomy but somehow the energy has gone out of the process, I get isolated because I'm not seeing anybody, and I sit around and gloom. It's SAD! You are definitely right.

Still, though, I have been depressed at 35 degrees and constant sunshine. But I also know that it's depressive-talk to universalise everything and to allow no mitigating circumstances!

[travelingcarrot.livejournal.com]

It's scary how many of us seem to be the same way about mood issues.
Personally, I would say stick to the idea of deadlines, make them small and achievable and add tangible rewards for meeting them. But if you don't meet them, forgive yourself and remember that you can't have a productive day every day. I feel terrible when I feel I haven't achieved what I set out to, but then I remind myself that most people are happy just to get through a day.

I also find that fast-forwarding through a Viggo movie and stopping at all the good bits cheers me up, but that's just me. (I realise there are some people who are quite unaffected by Walk on the Moon, though I will never be able to totally empathise with them.)

Hope the black dog turns out to be a much-loved godfather really.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

But if you don't meet them, forgive yourself and remember that you can't have a productive day every day.
That's such good advice. I know that I tend never to forgive myself, I see every non-achievement as a symptom of the general hopelessness and inadequacy of myself. I've added a reminder email to my Yahoo calendar: Not achieved anything today? Forgive yourself! Thanks so much for suggesting it.

I also find that fast-forwarding through a Viggo movie and stopping at all the good bits cheers me up, but that's just me.
*snorts* (*would cackle if were feeling more cheerful*) Viggo does so little for me! Except he does have quite a nice, trim penis, I grant you that. Still, though, I have my comfort movies (Kuch Kuch Hota Hai!).

Hope the black dog turns out to be a much-loved godfather really.
*ggg*

[brightest-blue.livejournal.com]

Spiraling right down with you! *clings to your leg*

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Oh no no no no! *shakes legs in effort to spiral you off back into orbit*

[brightest-blue.livejournal.com]

*floats off- 2001- A Space Odyssey-style*

[msilverstar]

*cuddles you up*

Go for little deadlines, that's a great idea. It's so much harder when there is no external structure.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

That is so true! I am really not cut out for the independently-motivated life. Thanks for the kind tig! Hope you are all right yourself. :-)

[pecos.livejournal.com]

Sidi wants to know:

Does this mean I get to go home with you, Nice Lady? Do you have Treats and Crunchy Good Things to share with big black Dogs?

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Aha, is that who my big black dog really is???!! Well, that makes all the difference!

*smiles*

[fuschia.livejournal.com]

I hope you won't mind some *hugs* from a new reader. I'm very familiar with academic pressures, and I think the best thing you can do is to allow yourself to work in bits and bites, and also to allow yourself to relax and reset -- even if you don't meet the self-imposed deadlines.


With sympathy and much understanding,

Fuschia