impasse

[lobelia321]

I'm sort of frightened to post in LJ these days, I don't know why. I'm in a funny 'mindspace' about LJ, as lazlet would say. I feel that I want to be part of it, as in the days of yore (which I didn't even realise were the days of yore when they were happening). But somehow I can't bring myself to. I seem to care less about it but then again, I care enough to be dismayed by seeming to care less. I wish I had copious fic to post in order to justify my existence on people's Friends Lists; then again, I chide myself for cleaving to that achievement-oriented attitude.

I also simply wish I had copious fic to post. Not only to justify my existence on LJ or to garner bagloads of fb but simply for the fulfillment of it. I read an old fic of mine yesterday, Different Tastes (remember? the one about Karl and Dom, written in sparse prose, dialogue-based, rather zero focalisation / deadpan pov?). I really, really enjoyed reading it. I enjoyed reading it more than the novel I am currently reading. I thought, 'why am I not doing this anymore? this was such fun'. Then I remembered the circumstances under which I drafted that fic, and they were awful. I was at my sister's and escaping from life by hiding away in the toilet for 20 minutes at a time, scribbling fic on a pad balanced on my knees. I also looked at the date I posted that: two months away from when full-blown depression zapped me. And I remembered how I was writing that fic in order to get away from my angsty Karl/Dominic and to sketch a more lighthearted Karl/Dom OTP. And the angsty Karl/Dominic (the never-published epic) was a massive projection of my own angstiness.

So maybe it is no coincidence that I dug up that particular fic two days before I am due to visit my sister again. Although now I get on very well with my sister. Mostly. And I don't feel depressed in a full-blown way right now, although I'm also not 100 percent okay. Nevertheless, despite all this, I did enjoy reading the fic.

So why am I not writing? I just don't know. It is a bit of a riddle to me, and a frustrating riddle.

I feel disconnected from fandom. All fandoms. I feel somewhat disconnected from LJ.





Different Tastes

Comments

[the-oscar-cat.livejournal.com]

fandom (even hp if you're on the edges - which is where i'm happy to be), is pretty rudderless at the moment. the Next Big Thing hasn't come along, and the Lots of Little Things haven't really taken over.

it'll shift, i'm guessing. but it might just take a bit of time.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Really, you think so? You think it's a fandom-wide thing and not just inside my head? It's true that a lot of Friends who used to be posting fic aren't any longer but a lot of other people seem still to be writing and posting.

[the-oscar-cat.livejournal.com]

i'm pretty sure it's fandom wide. people on my friends list still post, but only a fraction compared to the height of lotrips. and most of those fics are about things i don't know about, or haven't seen.

some people will always write and will hunt out things to write about. the rest need serious inspiration if they are to carve a piece of space from the lives and actually sit down and write something. Lotrips was like a fast flowing river - and at it's height it was everywhere. now there are just lots of streams, (and bad metaphores - sorry) that grab the odd person and carry them along for a few weeks or months. it's not the same.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

This is interesting. Thanks for this. It strikes a chord because re-reading that old fic of mine also made me discover a whole lot of insider comments and jokes in it: part of the fun of writing it, was knowing that readers would pick up these hidden jokes and references. You're very right, we were all swimming in a mighty river. It's much harder to go it alone; and maybe I'm stupid to beat myself up about it.

[the-oscar-cat.livejournal.com]

you're certainly not stupid - it's basic human nature to internalise everything, and it's not something that is being discussed very much, at least on my friends list.

i think, when writing obscure stuff it's worth making sure that there is at least someone else out there who will understand. i wouldn't have written any cycling!rps if jaq, or sarah hadn't known who i was talking about, and currently, i've no intention of publically writing any skateboarder!rps until someone (other than my sister) in fandom shares the interest.

but then you've written obscure pairs for years! *explains how to suck an egg*

sorry. but you know what i mean. the audience might be smaller, but if it's out there and you know it's out there then posting is still worth it. it's just not the same as being smothered by fb, and we all need to get that straight in our heads first so we won't be disapointed.

but writing for it's own sake is still worthwhile and maybe i'll write some skater!slash just for me, while i wait for the next river to come along. :)

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

I think the rare pairs worked in lotrips (as, I think, they work in HP as well) because the fandom is (was?) so large and enthusiastic and willing to embrace the marginal and the weird. Little sub-cultures could develop around the rare, and even knowing that something is rare is a form of fandom competence and fandom culture. (In fandoms of which I know nothing I have no way of identifying a common otp and a rare pair.) So I think a rare pairing within a popular and generous fandom (e.g. Viggo/Kiran) will get readers.

It's very different with a rare fandom. With Wainthropp, I found that one other person was enough to make a fandom. As you say: cycle enthusiasts! But I've not found another Bollywood slasher so I have not been at all motivated to write any. But with Wainthropp: only Demelza ever read all my txts, but we read each others' totally obsessively and developed our own insider jokes so that was a flourishing, if tiny, fandom.

So I'm not sure my current disconnectedness is because of lack of audience. I'm sure that if only I wrote something, I'd get my audience back. But it's the writing that is hard to do. Maybe you're right, though: think small, think five people, and write for them.

[cinzia.livejournal.com]

Have been feeling this way for weeks myself, about LJ. It's still coming and going--I'd like to be more involved, like I once was, yet I don't seem to find the energy, you know? I guess it'll come back, little by little. Seems like it's coming back now, actually, even if only in bits and pieces. *scratches head* *shrug*

(Besides, just like the_oscar_cat said: just you wait for the Next Big Thing to come along. ;)

*lotsa hugs*

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Yes, I've noticed that some other of my Friends seem to be experiencing a similar low-energy time. (I like your description of that: that is exactly what it feels like - no energy.) And maybe that then has a sort of cumulative effect: just as we all buoyed each other up in the heady days of lotrips madness, so we're now oozing low energy levels into each other.

Gads, but I need to springclean my metaphors...

[sophrosyne31.livejournal.com]

me too! not disconnected from the people, but from the energy of it. i chasten myself for not being able to provide fic. i'm dismayed at my lack of ideas or impetus. i think it's as the other commenters have said, it's just that transition time. i miss the old days too. and i miss the wonderful writers like you piling up new stories, but we have all your old fics to re-read, and they never get stale. i'll be reading them when i'm an old wicked lady, i hope.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

It's funny how it's only in retrospect that you realise what a special time that was. At the time, I just thought this was normal, this was how things had always been before I discovered them. I didn't realise that I was an active part of something, that I wasn't only contributing but shaping. We all were. (God, I sound like some sort of old Woodstock nostalgia hippie...!) And I know what you mean by the piling up of stories: Brenda positively churned them out, it was all part of it. Everybody bouncing off each other.

And thanks for saying those sweet things about my fics. You're a darling.

Strange and interesting, that you also feel the disconnectedness. I'm quite happy that we're connecting over our disconnectedness!

[sophrosyne31.livejournal.com]

i think it's partly that as my flist has grown, my time for reading fic has been squeezed to nothing, so i haven't got that buzz off other people's writing, even if there were still the avalanche of it -- then, i feel a little weary of writing the pairings i usually write -- just one more time i have to make that man have sex with that other man! -- and then, as someone's mentioned below, so many writers i like are now busy with RPGs which i just do not read.

maybe it's that foucauldian thing about subcultures -- the panopticon effect? that the more conspicuous and hegemonic a subculture becomes, the more it begins to represent its own dominance and establishment, and (subcultures being ostensibly contra-establishment) it then mutates and ducks out of the spotlight, so to speak, and into further, darker corners.

or, maybe it's just that everyone wrote 413,243,232 versions of dom & elijah bum-fucking, and there's only so much you can do with that.

your fics, by the way, dear woman, were one of the beacons that drew me into lotrips & they will light my way out. re-reading the start of 'different tastes' was a bit inspiring!

*garbled*

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

You are so sweet, you sweet woman, to say this about my fics. Alas, where have all the flowers gone and all that?

[tvillingar.livejournal.com]

Also, a lot of people seem to have jumped to the side of evil!RPGs. Which sort of keeps them away from us non-gamers.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

I have never understood the RPG attraction. I'm not drawn to it at all. It is too insiderish. But people were, I think, always doing RPG alongside fics, weren't they? I seem to recall something called sockpuppets...?

[tvillingar.livejournal.com]

RPGing seems to have become more and more popular during the past year or so. I read just today in someone's LJ that if you turned LJ upside down, RPGs would fall out. Apparently this means there are a LOT of them.

The first RPG I knew about was Middle-Earth Sock Puppet... Something, in 2002. I couldn't figure out the fascination back then either; suddenly I just realized some people who had previously written fanfic had started playing and had no time/interest to write anything else.

Yes, I do realize I'm whining about things changing but what can I say? I like more conventional storytelling and find RPGs difficult to follow (and mostly boring since they ARE insiderish).

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

You shake it and rpgs fall out? Goodness. Well, let's shake it then and shake them all away, like an old rug full of ants.

[crazybutsound]

Well, I haven't written or read fic in ages (I've mostly turned to photography as my medium of choice, which is problematic as mosty of my flist is NOT interested in that, lol), and I think all the other commenters might be on to something.... we're maybe waiting for the next big thing... or maybe not, maybe we're leaving the space free for the next generation of fanficcers, dunno...

That said, I still love LJ, I still use it a lot, and I do miss you and others (like lazlet) and not for the fic. Seems to me that with the fic, the people have gone as well. *is sad*

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Yes, we've all moved on a bit, it seems. Which, as such, is not a bad thing, I'm sure. Interesting what you say about how the people have gone along with their fic. This is not true of all but it is definitely true of some and that is such a pity!

[msilverstar]

I came into fandom in Lotrips and that's where I'm staying, but I keep making new friends, which is fun. And I love knowing where old friends are going, even if it's tougher to connect because we're not squeeing all together any more. Still worthwhile.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Well, I'd love to know myself where I am going and heading and all that but I haven't a clue! I'm just sort of floundering about.