birthday blues

[lobelia321]

Every year it's the same. I feel melancholy around my birthday. This time t'h luckily headed it off by whisking me off for a secret surprise birthday dinner almost a whole week before the event (well, it wasn't that secret as I actually came up with the idea for the restaurant and not so surprise, either, as I rang the babysitter but it felt secret and surprise!!) but still, a few days later, right on schedule, came the melancholy. It's not the getting older so much, that happens every day of the year after all and the only time it really bothered me was when I hit forty but that was also the year I found out my mother had been suffering from depression for all of my life and what a shocker that was.

It's more the having to relinquish control. My own birthday is the one thing I can't plan and control, unlike other people's birthdays and Christmas. I have to be passive and hope for the best and that others will do the needful and I am bracing myself for disappointment because deep down I actually don't believe that others will ever be able to give me the birthday of my dreams. I am a big control freak and I find it unsettling not having the control. Also, I always have such high expectations and then I steel myself and force myself to have very tiny expectations, and then I get into a knot over all of this so, bingo, melancholy sets in.

Ah well, 27 more hours and the whole thing will be over. Phew.

Hm, FlyLady would probably say, yes! You can celebrate your own birthday! But I'm just not quite there yet.

But: I did today send off my amazon order for my sister's and her family's Christmas present. *falls down in amazement at self* This has never happened before! My sister hasn't had a Christmas present from me in about a decade, yet she sends a huge parcel for all of my family every single year. And this year I sent off her parcel in early November. *pinches self in shock* Now that didn't make me feel melancholy at all! (Thanks to, wait for it, Stepford FlyLady's 'Holiday Control Journal'.)

Also, I had a d'uh moment today. I spent all morning in a frenzy, filling in an application form for a residency fellowship at a research centre in Connecticut for next May. Then I finally re-read the heading 'Fellowships 2006/07', and it dawned on me that this may possibly mean the academic year and therefore May 2007, not 2006 at all. Which is when I no longer have a sabbatical. Double d'uh!

All of this meant I did no marking yet I have a huge pile, argh.

Some of you have very kindly tigged and fb'ed and I will get back to you, I promise!

Also, I read two cross-overs, and they were really very intriguing; one, by trinityofone crossed Pullman's daemons with Stargate, and one, by isiscolo crossed Stargate with HP, and this latter one was strangely convincing, with an ingenious plot premise. (This is pathetic reccing craft, I know, not even a link! *slinks off to be melancholy some more in bed*)

Comments

[ithiliana.livejournal.com]

I love what my mother did for her 60th birthday--she booked the hall at the local service group/club she belonged to, paid for her favorite band, and refreshments (I imagine she might have gotten a bit of a discount since she did a lot of work there, was one of their major volunteers) although not alcholic drinks (the hall had a bar people could patronize if they wished). Then she invited everyone, told them no presents (though some brought 'em anyway), and threw herself the bang-up party she'd always wanted. Unlike her daughter, she is highly gregarious, extroverted, loves people, LOVES dancing, and leaps into life with great gusto (too bad she wasted so many years married to my stick in the mud father, sigh).

Throwing yourself the party you want seems an awfully good idea to me!

At least once!

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

This is a great idea. I love this. Well, only another 17 years and I'll be having my sixtieth!!!

[weotolkien.livejournal.com]

A happy birthday to you!

Hey, I could've written just what you did re:relinquishing control, hoping for the best, and the melancholic episodes. Guess we can be thankful that b.days only come once a year.

I found 30 to be more traumatic than 40. There were so many things that were 'supposed' to happen by then. Turns out they happened during the next decade. And 40 was when I discovered slash-does life get any better :)

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Thank you!! And I have yet to respond to all of your wonderful and amazing feedback!! I am kind of overawed by it.

I didn't mind thirty; for some reason, it was forty that got to me.

[eyebrowofdoom.livejournal.com]

I will respectfully await permission to wish you a happy birthday.

:D

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

You have permission already!!!!

[eyebrowofdoom.livejournal.com]

Happy birthday Sir yes Sir!

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Thank you, o brow! (Did I tell you that I have had my own brows waxed for the first time? Talk about brows of doom.)

[tvillingar.livejournal.com]

I wonder if this is one of those cultural differences again: I don't think many people here expect their family or friends to arrange something for their birthday (though that might be changing among the younger generation). The point of a birthday is to bake a cake and/or cook a meal and invite your friends over to eat themselves silly. A quite hobbity way to celebrate, which suits me just fine ;) I think I'd feel uncomfortable if someone else threw a party for me (also, I don't like surprises much so it would probably be a disaster anyway).

I wish you a relaxing birthday this year.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Oh, this is the way they do it in Germany, too! I am German but didn't grow up there, moved back when I went to uni, and I found it very odd that I was expected to organise a do for my own birthday! But actually I grew to like it because it meant I could be in control! Heh, I'd totally forgotten that, I haven't lived there so long. Maybe I will import the Germano-Finnish tradition to England...!! *g*

[sheldrake.livejournal.com]

Aaagh, you get me addicted to SGA fic, and then you don't link! What kind of a reccer are you anyway? ;)

ps. we must meeeeeeet...

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

www.livejournal.com/users/isiscolo/242556.html

www.livejournal.com/users/trinityofone/25344.html

[sheldrake.livejournal.com]

Thank you. :)

[badgermonkey.livejournal.com]

Notice when I got all blue and mopey? Just before my birthday. It's always this time of year.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Oh, so you did!! But wasn't that job crap?? And now you're going to be Mrs Demelza!!!!