learning about myself via lj: pop psychology, i love you!

[lobelia321]

Two things I discovered about myself via my last few postings:

a) I miss writing but specifically I miss writing-and-posting.

It's posting that I really, really want to do, not writing for my eyes only. This is connected to finishing. I remembered that I did write (origfic) before my discovery of slash and the fanfic web. But I never, ever finished anything. The only story I ever finished was one I wrote when I was fifteen (I think), and I finished it because my friend egged me on. So it was finishing-in-order-to-share which is the off-line equivalent of finishing-in-order-to-post.

I am not sure I will ever finish anything if I don't have the carrot of posting it before me.

b) I find it very difficult to write shit.

This was supposed to be a therapeutic exercise in writing crap. Everybody always says this: Write crap, free yourself from the angst of the perfect metaphor, the ultimate turn of phrase, the one and only word choice, the consummate placement of a semi-colon. (Sorry, I'm veering off the point.) But you know what I'm getting at. This is advice found both in the on-line world and in the world of the published how-to-write manual.

But I just find this so hard! What I wrote last night, upon waking, was all wrong. It isn't necessarily 'crap', as in badly written. But it is wrong as in: not true to my boys. And my boys are a cathected site for me! I love them too much to twist them out of shape with words. The words are making them into different people, and they're not the people I want them to be.

Possibly I made the mistake of choosing to write a snitchet about some boys whom I adore abjectly and in a storyverse I know inside-out. Because there are two kinds of writing:

1) discovering through writing
You don't know the story. You don't know the characters. You discover them as you write. The story comes into being as you type. The words make the people and the events.

2) writing something you've already discovered
There is a pre-existing story. You have invented or discovered characters and what they do outside of writing (in daydreams or dreams). So you need to find words adequately to express what you already know. I find this very, very hard. This is the case for the fics I am currently struggling with, the very, very long ones. It is a chore to get something that is already rounded and finished in my head onto paper or screen.

Mode 1) is easier, for me. But that's not currently where my passion lies.

I'm in the same dilemma as before, aren't I? Except I've gathered some self-knowledge along the way.

Thanks for tigging me so kindly! If there's any more advice out there: bring it on! Specifically:

i) Should I revise what I wrote last night with a view to finishing and posting it?
ii) Or should I write something entirely new, with a pairing I know nothing about and possibly hate, and finish this new thing within the hour?

Now I will go and revise last night's fic-start instead of writing into an LJ post box!

Comments

[giglet.livejournal.com]

I also find it hard to write crap. And sometimes revising doesn't work.

Re advice. A third option:
Having discovered that you're unhappy about what you wrote, and having thought about it a little, rewrite the scene from scratch. This is the same "write crap" exercise as before, but having written yourself down a blind alley once, this gives you a chance to go in a different direction (hopefully a useful direction).

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Thank you. As you know by now, I did try and rewrite the whole thing, giving myself a time limit (because I kept thinking that I want to finishsomething) but it was worse than yesterday's effort! In fact, I re-read yesterday's thing and it didn't seem so bad! And at least it was enjoyable to write. I don't know, if there's no passion in the actual writing, then there is no point for me.

Grrr. And guess what? I've now abandoned that whole shlamozzel and discovered a spin-off of my HP opus that I left unfinished on my hard drive last week, so now I'm finishing off that one! *shoots self*

[mandalaya.livejournal.com]

I think that if posting is a carrot that works for you, write and finish things in order to post. Use what works for you, as you are the only expert on that. However, as you're having trouble finishing things, perhaps you should post after a draft that includes an ending, and thus use us all as betas. That way, the pressure of perfect is lower, but you get things finished for us. Promise us something will be done. If you need us to clamor for it, I'm willing to do my part - I usually don't beg for fics, as some authors have expressed frustration, but it sounds like you might need it.

I would love to see more Desert Prince! *bats eyelashes*

Yet, I don't think it's a bad thing that you've been focusing on your book instead of fanfic. I seem to remember you lamenting all the writing you'd done that wasn't original fic! So maybe it's fine that you haven't finished anything for us in a couple of years, if you've been productive elsewhere (book and personal life).

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Thank you, you are so kind and generous! I am so moved by your comment! Because it's so nice to have one's fics desired, it totally floors me. And Desert Prince is not forgotten just shelved while I'm dealing with the HP monster. (DP will never be forgotten as it arose from a dream I had when I was 16. It is not reliant on the waves of fandom, *g*) But at the moment I'm not writing it.

Also, you are so right and so kind to remind me of all the other things I've done over the past two years. In fact, I feel happier than I have ever felt, that's fair to say. So the fic thing is a small thorn in the side of what is otherwise mostly good. Except my piss job but hey, at least I have a job! And being able to write my academic book after years of blockage is just such a relief!! I was thinking that it's maybe the fact that the academic writing is flowing again that is making me think about the fanfic writing in the first place.

*hugs you*

[eveline725.livejournal.com]

There is no perfect story, I guess, but if you post it f-locked and ask for honest feedback you might be pleasantly surprised. Or post it private-locked, and see how it looks a couple of days later? Whatever works for you. There are worse lj crimes than a less-than-totally-perfect story, after all :)

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Everyone gives such different advice! I will just have to muddle through as best I can. Thanks for chipping in! I'm not sure, though, that flocking is for me; I hardly ever flock any of my posts.