FUNFIC: "Aliens Did Not Make Them Do It" / fic plus writing exercises, whee!!!

[lobelia321]

Title: Aliens Did Not Make Them Do It
Author: Lobelia
Fandom: Stargate Atlantis
Pairing: Rodney McKay / Radek Zelenka
Spoilers: 2.01 (very, very oblique reference).
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Stuck. On an unpopulated moon. Just the two of them.
Category: Experimental funfic combined with stylistic writing exercises.



Prose modes (gacked and adapted to my own twisted purposes from Raymond Queneau's Exercises in Style):

• present, unpredicated


• dialogue


• metaphor


• the subjective side


• precision


• official report

• present, unpredicated

Stuck. On an unpopulated moon. Light years away from home. Jumper totalled. Radio out. Twin orbs in sky: planet and sun.

Just the two of them.

Not good.

Oxygen level of moon's atmosphere: zero. Chances of survival outside jumper: ditto. Oxygen remaining inside jumper: 36, maybe 48 hours' worth.

Chances of staying sane inside jumper, with just the two of them, Rodney and Radek:

Asymptotically approaching minus one.


• dialogue

"You know, Zelenka, I have been thinking about this, this situation we are in."

"Yes, yes, I also am thinking. Am thinking that it will be 24 hours minimum for rescue team to find us but given fact that radio contact had been out for 38 minutes prior to our crash landing here, that it may take them longer, up to 56 hours, even 72 which would be problem because oxygen levels are already critical, although if we shut down the secondary systems in order to clean the filters and if we open the botanical specimen-unit that there is every possibility... Why? What is wrong?"

"Nothing, nothing is wrong. Oh, except this whole stuck-on-an-alien-moon business but besides that, nothing at all. What could possibly be wrong except that we are going to go stark raving insane within a shorter space of time than I am calculating we have available in terms of oxygen consumption!"

"If levels drop below hyper-critical point, is indeed possible that we may experience hallucinatory phenomena."

"Look, there is no need to tell me of all people about hallucinations. And guess what? We are not going there. We are going to have to find some other solutions. And I propose this."

"What?"

"I propose... it's really a very elegant, and dare I say it, even energy-efficient proposition."

"So? What could possibly it be?"

"Zelenka? We're going to have to have sex."

"I pardon you?"

"Sex, Zelenka! You have heard of sex?"

"I have heard, yes, and I hear you, yes, but I look around, and no: I see no women here."

"No, obviously not! Obviously there's only us two here! That is the whole problem, after all!"

"So what precisely are you proposing, Rodney? That we should engage in mutual masturbation?"

"Well. Yes."

"Let me think about this. Okay, I have thought about this."

"Good. So... unbutton your pants."


• metaphor

The tin can uttered not a shudder when sheaves of petals unfolded and the rooster from its underground lair, emerging crowing and cowing, bobbed his head above the horizon. Limp of limb, he attempted to ascend the periwinkle heights but, alas and alack, the slings and arrows, indeed the tazers and PD-40s of expedient surprise, waylaid our valiant voyager. The horn did not grow, the nettle was not plucked nor did the rivers of dark jouissance bubble forth into oblivious euphoria.


• the subjective side

Shit and crap. This is very embarrassing. Well, not so embarrassing. Maybe would be more embarrassing if I could get hard-on straight away with Rodney McKay. Is not so odd that I can't. First, I must forget that it is even Rodney McKay. Then, I must forget that we are in life-or-death situation. Third, I must forget that the person who is not Rodney McKay but, actually, gorgeous brunette from chemistry department at University of Brno, who knows what she is doing now?-- Anyway, am getting off track.

Third, I must forget ridiculous manipulations of person who is not Rodney McKay. If I am sure of one thing then is, that gorgeous brunette would not be pulling at masculine member like this. At my masculine member. Is quite absurd and will not get me anywhere.

And no, Rodney, do not talk, will only make matters worse.

He talks. Is making matters worse.

"Zelenka," he is saying. "This is very embarrassing."

Yes, yes, oh yes. Am nodding vigorously. Am not speaking as I don't really trust voice right now. Anyway, not necessary to speak with Rodney McKay around.

"Zelenka. Well. Anyway, it doesn't matter because the point of the exercise is to keep ourselves occupied, right, and to prevent our minds from going completely and utterly bananas, right; the point is not and never was that we measure this exercise on some sort of performance scale, and if you can't get it up, Zelenka, that is no doubt the fault of the oxygen depletion in your bloodstream and can be..."

"Shut up. Or I will truly go bananas."

"See? It's this kind of attitude that is already telling me that our levels of psychological stability are approaching malfunction."

"Rodney? Are you psychotherapist?"

"No, of course not but every child knows that..."

"Then be quiet and put something else in mouth besides bullshit."

"What?"

"And take hands off that part of my anatomy, is completely useless palpitation."

"Oh, I get it! I get it! Well. It's not that I have done anything remotely like this before-- well, remotely, yes but that is very remote. However, as it is all in the interests of self-preservation and in the spirit of scientific inquiry, and as you don't seem to be able to manage otherwise, I will, indeed, try my very best. No, um. No coming down my throat, though."


• precision

At 21 hours 38, puddle jumper time, Dr Radek Zelenka inserted his flaccid penis into Dr Rodney McKay's oral orifice. The mucous membranes of Dr Rodney McKay's inside gums slid along Dr Radek Zelenka's penile shaft. Dr McKay's tongue ran along the frenular band until Dr Zelenka's foreskin slid backwards by 2.5 millimetres and the glans was exposed to the saliva produced by Dr McKay's parotid and submandular glands. After 38 seconds of mucal stimulation, Dr Zelenka had achieved a full erection. After a further 17 seconds, seminal fluid made its egress from the meatus.

Dr McKay expectorated 2.4 grams of spermatozoa, leucocytes, seminal plasma and salivary fluid onto the iridium and gunmetal floor of the space vehicle.


• official report

Report filed by Lt.-Col. J. Sheppard, 34-17-2006

PdJ #1 (pilot JS; co-p TE; crew LP, PL) received a distress signal from PdJ #3 (pilot RM; co-p RZ; crew N/A) at 20:76, 32-17-06. Communications were disrupted immediately after. Technical team aboard PdJ #1 was able to locate the origin of the signal on PN-S15β, a satellite of PN-S15α. PdJ #1 arrived at site at 11:04, 33-17-06. No casualties, no medical emergencies. PdJ #3 was damaged beyond flight capability (see attached mechanics report) and was left on PN-S15β, pending further engineering work.

Pilot RM and co-p RZ of PdJ #3 were found in state of nudity and some incoherence. Chief MO Dr CB examined them on return to Atlantis and reported no serious medical concerns (see attached clinical report). JS and PL examined area surrounding crash site (wearing hazmat space suits) but found no sign of alien activity to explain confused mindset of RM and RZ. Preliminary findings indicate that falling levels of oxygen inside PdJ #3 had induced a state of mental euphoria (see attached clinical report, para. 3.2).

No further precautions were deemed necessary. The crash site was made safe. RM and RZ were discharged from the infirmary at 17:17, 33-17-06.

Signed, J. Sheppard

Attachments
1. Mechanics report
2. Clinical report
3. Request by RM for re-assignment of accommodation to double-quarters in East Wing
4. Request by RZ for re-assignment of accommodation to double-quarters in East Wing

---

The End.
Feedback? Oh, yes, please!
Posted 9 April 2006.
All original bits © Lobelia.
This url: http://lobelia321.livejournal.com/434790.html

Comments

[prairiedaun.livejournal.com]

Awesome. I love the use of the different styles, and of course, the Zelenka. Thank you.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! And hey, so nice to bump into you again! :-) I'm so glad you liked the Zelenka; he was phenomenal fun to write.

[lapislaz.livejournal.com]

You may have just invented an entirely new form here. This is hysterical. I especially liked the "subjective" section. Though the "precision" section definitely had it's moments.

One question - what's the difference between a regular space suit and a hazmat space suit?

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much for reading and commenting! Heh, it's Raymond Queneau who invented the concept but yes, it is I who am twisting it into fic narrative, *g*. It is so interesting to see what sections you liked. 'Subjective' was great fun to write and 'precision' was also immensely enjoyable although more difficult.

The difference between a regular space suit and a hazmat space suit? Heh, 'precision', I guess. *g*. I just needed an extra officialese-precision word here so I invented these new kinds of spacesuit. No doubt something perfected by RZ and RM.

[noctuabunda.livejournal.com]

Great stuff!
Very original idea, and well written. And the ending was so cute!
Thanks for sharing.

[noctuabunda.livejournal.com]

(By the way: Is that bear indicating your mood actually humping a match? I'm sorry for my dirty mind, but I just can't help it.)

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

*bursts out laughing*

That is the 'accomplished' bear. I think that dildo he brandishes is supposed to be an academic scroll!! (Do you know that I once wrote moodbear slash??)

[noctuabunda.livejournal.com]

I think that dildo he brandishes is supposed to be an academic scroll!!
Whoops. Shoulda cleaned my glasses, I guess. ^_^

(Do you know that I once wrote moodbear slash??)
OMG. That's just too weird. Where can I find it? :D

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

I have no idea where my moodbear slash is. This would require hours of Memories searching, hours that I don't have right now (but believe me, I am tempted to look!). I think I took two of the moodbears and made them do naughty things. I wonder if you can dowload the little gifs; hm, my mind is now wheeling into all sorts of new territory. I may get back to this when back from my Easter visit away!

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for reading and commenting! I've done these writing experiments thrice before but not woven into a continuous narrative like this. It felt a bit artificial at first but then, what was interesting, was that the style caused various plot points. Also, I am so happy that you liked the cute ending (and even found it cute!) because, precision and officialese notwithstanding, I realise I am a total mooshpot romantic at heart... :-)

[2am-optimism.livejournal.com]

*grins*

Metaphor and Precision are vying for my favourite sections. Fab continuation of your writing exercise :)

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much for continuing to read my writing experiments! It is so interesting to see which sections you liked, especially as 'metaphor' and 'precision' seem to be such absolute opposites. 'Metaphor' was actually not that easy to write, and it came out so over the top! But then it was fun to let fly and just go over the top. 'Precision' I like writing because sometimes I like to go all anatomical and clinical on the sex but it was quite difficult to write.

*stares at your icon*

[2am-optimism.livejournal.com]

metaphor just reminds me so much of the 19th century style you did in your John-and-the-cave thing. It positively cries out for OTTness, frankly :)

I have to say that in these kinds of exercises (both reading and writing), I do tend to want to pay more attention to the shorter pieces, because the constraints on the style often lead to a lovely combination of efficiency, poetry and humour in getting the idea across.

but basically this reply is just an excuse to use my other David Nykl icon because he is just.so.pretty.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Interesting about the shorter pieces. I can see what you mean. Although in this one, it was good to have the longer ones in there as well because I had narrative so I needed to get some 'action' going. Hm, it might be interesting to try and pack 'action' into a series of short pieces. And have a lot of elisions, for readers to fill in the gaps. You are giving me ideas here! Are you going to do some of these???

And that is David Nykl?? *stares*

[2am-optimism.livejournal.com]

Mmm...David....

pack 'action' into a series of short pieces

That sounds like a great idea - especially seeing as you've shown here that that doesn't necessarily mean that the style has to be spare and punchy. The metaphor section *feels* full and verbose, but the relatively short paragraph covers a fair bit of, um, action (or lack thereof ;) )

I am definitely going to have a play with these exercises, but I have to admit, having you and sheldrake getting the ball rolling is seriously intimidating :)

Also - hope you're feeling better, and that you manage to get an osteopath appt. before your flight! *sends soothing hot water bottle-esque vibes via internets*

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Interesting! I hadn't seen it in that light, that a short and punchy paragraph can have a verbose and baroque style. I may explore that some more when I get back from my Easter visit and when my back pain is better. Don't be intimidated by sheldrake and me!!! We met up two weeks ago and talked about doing something like this precisely because we have had a posting block for years and have been feeling totally intimidated by all the fantastic writers in SGA. These writing exercises are a ruse to get away from being intimidated! Note how Sheldrake posted hers in my journal; she needed to hide because she was so nervous so do join in; it would be such fun!

Thanks for kind wishes re back. My back has got worse and I look forward to the flight with trepidation. :-(

[cynicalcylon.livejournal.com]

Oh my Gawd!!
Best. Fic. Ever!

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Thank you! *squees* Heh, even your comment is a kind of experiment in prose style. :-)

[bluebrocade.livejournal.com]

That was really cool. The precision section cracked me up. And I love John's report.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Thank you! It is so interesting that you liked both the precision/official sections. It was a lot of fun, interesting and also a bit challenging to write a mooshy romance/sex scene but in a style that was totally non-mooshy -- that mainly pertains to the official report - with the precision, the fun came from describing something very clinically that in slash is usually couched in breathless gorgeousness but also smuggling in some bad!sex. But yes, then it sort of ended up good (I hoped that was evident with the extremely speedy recovery of RZ, *g*) so I suppose it was mooshy, after all!

Thanks again!

[brightest-blue.livejournal.com]

Ah, Lobelia at her best! and that on a very bad day! I loved Subjective and Precision. I've always loved it when you made the sex detailed and clinical; there is something weirdly hot about it.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

At my best! *laughs* I suppose it is nice to know that you think I am at my best when I am doing completely whacky stylistic experiments-- because, luckily, these are also what I find tremendous fun doing! I am also interested that you enjoyed two complete opposite modes, subjective and precision. And that you found the clinical sex strangely hot! I meant it to be bad!sex; clinical seems to lend itself to bad!sex but then, as I wrote, I found it lends itself to good!sex as well, or maybe that's just my inherent romance mooshiness asserting itself. So that suddenly there was the very speedy recovery time of Dr Zelenka's flaccidity... *g* It was very interesting writing the precision; I googled penis sites and ogled diagrams! Subjective came more easily to me; that one basically flowed out. It's the other kind of style where I need to force myself more (dialogue is also very easy for me). So, even for diagnostics like this, it was good to do these exercises.

Thank you for commenting!!!

[deiann.livejournal.com]

*lol* This was..interesting. ;) *g* Well done! :)

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'm glad (or maybe sorry?) that you didn't say 'this was... unique', *g*. It was certainly very interesting to write, and also tremendous fun. I shall definitely do more. :-)

[deiann.livejournal.com]

Am looking forward to that. :)

[kat-lair.livejournal.com]

Precision just seared my eyes out. Metaphor seared my heart.

Lovely, original and one of my favourite pairings.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I am so pleased and amazed that you were 'seared'! It's also funny that precision seared your eyes but metaphor seared your heart because, in an odd way, it's metaphor that is less romantic and precision that has more of the mooshy element to it (content-wise, that is, not style-wise). And the pairing! It just flowed out; I found these two so easy to write. Although some of the styles I set myself were a challenge. :-)

[severusslave.livejournal.com]

Official Report's Attachments! Oh, hell, yes!

This made my day!

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Ah, thank you so much, you of the gorgeous icon! And of the lovely name that betrays former loves elsewhere (and makes me smile because I am still writing a long, long, long HP fic which I started over two years ago! and which has eaten my brain and contributed to the absolute posting drought I have been suffering -- hence these exercises to get myself going again!).

But I'm glad you liked the official report and its attachments... :-) That one was phenomenal fun to write, to couch all that in such objective language. And it shows that one can rely on one's readers to get it all, and more!! ;-)

I've got more experimental R/R coming up. Once bitten, twice eager.

[severusslave.livejournal.com]

Thanks, I therefore use now it's complement.

Yes, I've been heavily into HP fiction and particulary fond of Snape. This is because on really bad days his teaching style is very, very similar to mine. The poor students. Well.

I so can believe that this was fun to write, but I also believe that this was diffcult to write. That medicinical sexy scene? Hello? I couldn't have done that!

So, ...shall I bite you some more?! ;)

[crysothemis.livejournal.com]

Hee! This is awesome. The switches in style totally worked, and cracked me up. Especially the last two segments.

Fabulous job.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for reading and your kind feedback! I find it especially intriguing that you liked the last two parts, the ones with the very non-romantic style, *g*. Somehow, I got a special kick out of smuggling romantic content into such unromantic language -- although I had not predicted that this was going to happen! I am just a mooshpot at heart. But somehow I really enjoyed the contradiction of form and content there. :-)

[crysothemis.livejournal.com]

Yes, yes, that's it exactly. It's the contrast between the content and the style. And John's dry, dry report, ending with the attached requests for double living quarters is just . . . perfect. Because there's all the delight of discovering what he can't entirely obfuscate.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

I was going to make some sort of intelligent reply here but then I saw your icon and now I am incoherent... :-)