FICLET: No rain in Spain (Cristiano Ronaldo/Fernando Torres)

[lobelia321]

Never let it be known I don't respond to canon with speed and alacrity.

If it be canon. But who cares?

Title: No rain in Spain
Author: lobelia321
Fandom: Football
Pairing: Cristiano Ronaldo/Fernando Torres
Length: Short.
Type: Total crack.
Bunny: According to the Correio da Manhã of 11 July, Cristiano Ronaldo is spending a fortnight on holiday in Spain:
Incógnito é o destino de Cristiano Ronaldo. O jogador do M. United chega hoje à Madeira mas, ao que tudo indica, vai passar 15 dias com a namorada Merche Romero em terras espanholas. Outros, contactados pelo CM, nem por nada revelaram o seu destino de eleição, na tentativa de conseguirem um merecido descanso longe dos olhares indiscretos.
This is a bunny! Who cares if it's true?



No rain in Spain
by Lobelia

Cristiano surveyed the empty Castilian plains before him and thought: 'I have been successful in evading the paparazzi. No more will they snap pictures of me and my family, lurking in Madeiran shrubs! I have found the answer. I am a master in disguise.'

He spurred on his trusty donkey.

Indeed, nobody recognised him when he entered the dusty village square. Not the matador munching on some tapas, not the flamenco dancer on her way home, not the little old lady in black dress and headscarf squaffing cerveza in the tavern.

Cristiano tethered his ass to a nearby pine tree and walked up to the bar.

The flamenco dancer didn't bat an eyelid.

The matador swallowed sardines like nobody's business.

The little old lady looked him up and down. This is what she saw: a tall monk, hooded and robed in a brown Franciscan habit, feet shod in sturdy Birkenstocks, eyes hidden behind sunglasses, chin wreathed in a ten-day beard.

"Can I buy you a drink?" the wizened señora asked, in a surprisingly gruff voice.

The friar peered at her. "Meu Deus!" he vociferated in Portuguese. "Is that you, Fernando?"

The little old lady glanced to the left, glanced to the right, then surreptitiously hoicked up the hem of her ankle-length frock to reveal a muscled calf.

"Genius," whispered Cristiano. "How'd you get the wrinkles to look so real?"

"Sorry, what? Could you repeat that in Spanish? And where on earth did you get this monk's outfit from?"

"Oh, this? From Kaká," said Cristiano, in a mixture of Portuguese, Spanish, English and sign language.

"The wrinkles are from an outfit called Weta Workshop," said Fernando. "Cool, aren't they?"

"Is there a loo around here? I've been on my ass all day."

"Well," said Fernando and shot him a dark look. "Funny you should ask."

Nobody noticed the lady entering the gents' loo, in the wake of the Franciscan friar. The flamenco dancer was too busy snogging the matador, and the donkey was wrestling with a thistle.

"Deus e Cristo," said the monk in the toilets, but he wasn't praying; he was expressing his appreciation of the little old lady's body emerging surprisingly breastless and vagina-less from underneath her black fustian gown.

"Puta madre," Fernando sighed, as he unknotted the hempen rope from around Cristiano's waist and slipped the habit over Cristiano's head.

They rutted like bunnies for five-and-a-half minutes, making the cubicle doors shudder and almost sliding down into the orifice of the hole-in-the-ground village-style váter. The brown habit became tangled up with the black dress on the tiles.

Outside, the donkey choked on a thorn. The ground was baked and dry.

Incoherent cries came from the small barred window at the side of the tavern. But later, butter wouldn't melt in the bristle-surrounded mouth of the friar or between the wrinkle-askew lips of the bent old señora.

But, "man," the little lady muttered, "I'm walking bent for real. You're not gettin' me onto that donkey."

All of a sudden, a side door burst open. Matador and flamenco dancer sprang forth. Flashbulbs went off, zoom lenses zoomed, digital cameras whirred.

Was nothing sacred? Yee-aw.

THE END
26 July 2006

Comments

[tansu.livejournal.com]

GENIUS!
"The wrinkles are from an outfit called Weta Workshop" - I am busting a gut here.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Thank you kindly! Ah yes, the cross-over bug... it's just too hard to resist. The thing was I had written the lines 'little old lady' and suddenly thought 'how on earth am I going to make Fernando Torres of all people look old??'. Richard Taylor to the rescue. *gg*

[grondfic.livejournal.com]

Totally deliquescing with mirth here.

Love the icon too ... although it looks like a dangerous plot-bunny to me!

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Thank you, m'dear! *curtseys* The icon is my silly!Cristiano icon. I realised I needed one when World Cup blindness slowly lifted and I started to see the funny side (as well as the lusty swoony weepy one). Here's another one. *g*

The things that can be bunnies these days... It's quite unpredictable.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Oh, and P.S. I totally and subliminally seem to have channelled Harry Figwit here! I didn't even know those two tavern patrons were paparazzi but suddenly they were, and one of them (the flamenco dancer in drag??? hoho) is quite clearly Mr Figwit! You have imprinted me 4 evah with paparazzi!fic now.

[tansu.livejournal.com]

In my head I can hear Richard Taylor's distinctive voice giving a commentary on how the wrinkles were constructed and applied. And maybe hinting at being requested to help footballers play at "Orcses and Hobbitses". And maybe getting a little carried away at a costume fitting. Heavens!

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

"The construction of thus lady suit features high-octane polyvinylite sheathung and thus thung here uz the ventilatory diatribe. We hiv tisted all of thus in the form of bigatures. Now, Furnendow, stop pushung your fust through the material. Oh, I see. Thet's not your fust."

[tansu.livejournal.com]

Uncanny...

[crowswing.livejournal.com]

this is fabulous writing. every single word counts - and brings the lolz. guh!

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Thank you, my sweet! It is very kind of you to appreciate my little silly late-night crack. It is actually an off-shoot of the God!fic I am writing about Kaká -- I just can't get the image of footballers in monks' habits out of my head...! :-)

[ann-arien.livejournal.com]

*totally cracks up* This whole story is brilliant. I haven't laughed this much in a long, long time...

If the mental image of Cristiano disguised as a monk wasn't enough to send me to the floor laughing, when he said that he got the outfit from Kaka, I scared my cats, bursting into gales of laughter. And the fact that Fernando is disguised as a little old lady (him being pretty tall and Elvish as it were), is way too funny.

Even when they get it on it's funny and the fact that the dancer and the matador are paparazzi is so Real Life! Nothing is sacred, indeed. ;D

Thanks so much for sharing this little fic. It definitely made my day.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Thank you, my dear! It's so nice of you to write feedback that is almost as long as the story itself... *g* The mental image of Cristiano as monk is a side-effect of a fic I'm writing at the moment that includes the mental image of Kaká as monk -- and suddenly this offshoot demanded to be written! Because we all know that Kaká had this conversion experience when he jumped into a shallow pool -- so quite obviously he is a monk.

Fernando being the little old lady is somewhat more difficult to trick oneself into believing but hey, anything's possible on the mad Don Quixotean plains of La Mancha. ;-p

[atlanticsoul.livejournal.com]

*dies laughing too* Tihi, it's not easy to be famous, is it?

Awesome, funny fic! Well done!

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Ah no, the burden of fame... And, um, your icon... *has brief swooning fit*

Thanks so much for your kind feedback on my cracky little thing!! :-)

[tronie-bonne.livejournal.com]

*screeches happily* May I ask, but where did you get that lovely icon? It's sooooooooooooo GUH-worthy?

That necklace kinda looks like Squall Leonhart's...but it's good on Cris anyway!

[p0rtu-chiik.livejournal.com]

Yes I love Ronaldo and Torres perfect!
This was one of the most funniest fic i've ever read. Fernando as a old lady I must see that lol.

Thank you so much for this.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Thanks kindly!! And how I wish I could see that pic of Fernando as old lady myself... *gg*

[penguin-attie.livejournal.com]

BWAHAHAHAHAA. I love your style. It's all "Crack? Who, me?!"

Now someone who's good with photoshop needs to manip friar!christiano and little old lady!fernando XD

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

*snorfles* Thanks so much! And if you find that manip of friar C., let me know!!! *gg*

[http://users.livejournal.com/onion_/]

ROFL

"Oh, this? From Kaká," said Cristiano, in a mixture of Portuguese, Spanish, English and sign language.

Brilliance, just pure brilliance.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Heh, funny that you picked out that particular sentence... *g*. It is kind of insane to pretend to be writing in Portuguese and Spanish when all the time it's just, erm, English. But sort of really, really fun as well. It sure gets you out of all that Britpicking/Ameripicking that is rife within HP or lotrips!! ;-)

[http://users.livejournal.com/onion_/]

LOL well the whole fic had me in stitches really, but that line right there just totally pushed me over the edge.

I was trying to envision C. Ronaldo trying to talk in Portuguese, Spanish, English and sign all at the same time. You know how Spanish + English = Spanglish and so on? I wonder what this would make. *G*

Oh yeah tell me about it. *nods* And well I for one would like to see someone try and Portugal/Spanish/sign/whatever-pick this one. :D

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

*cackles* Also, the sentence he's saying in four languages at once is also really short...

[tansu.livejournal.com]

That's something I liked. On one hand, it's absurd, this is a simple sentence. On the other hand, maybe he's just that flustered that he can't communicate.

[clair3.livejournal.com]

Well done!

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Thank you for reading and feedbacking this insane little piecelet...! *g*

[digdigil.livejournal.com]

Hilarious!!! Just fantastic! And your icon! Brilliant! (Sorry for all the one-word sentences and the exclamation marks. It's a product of trying to write four stories at the exact same time. My brain is fried.)

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Four stories? Ah, hon, that's nuttin... *stares in dismay at own bulging folder of half- or three-quarter-finished fics*

Thanks for your sweet comments on my silly little ficlet! Gimme them exclamation marks!

[junalele.livejournal.com]

YOU! I didn't even know this was coming! Working on your book. Aha! :D

Was laughing loudly and madly after the first paragraph. Went all 'erh, what?' over this senctence:
Cristiano tethered his ass to a nearby pine tree and walked up to the bar.
Until I got which ass you meant. Thanks for playing with that later again. :) God, I'm so easily amused.

And just the mental image of Ferndando coyly hoisting up his robe revealing a muscly shaven(waxed calf - dying of laughter here. And the WETA-reverence. Great! I am a bit dissappointed that Cristiano didn't get to dance horrbily with the Flamenco women but I guess, that would be against her policy of professional distance. ;)

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

I didn't even know this was coming!

I always do this. I write two fics into an exercise book, I write another two in my head, I start two further ones in Word, and then I go and regurgitate some piffle straight into LJ just to get away from the weight of all those other unfinished fics! Plus, I need to write my book (as you so rightly point out!) so I needed to write something fast (because even God!fic which was intended to be fast is now taking on spiralling weight and difficulty....)

I am very pleased that you found my inane ass puns amusing... I just couldn't resist.

Cristiano dancing with the Flamenco woman!!! Well, you could pen a sequel...? *g*

Thanks awfully for feedbacking so nicely! You're a duck.

[junalele.livejournal.com]

Well, thanks awfully for writing so nicely. :D

I get your way of working. Only I never get to the part where I'm actually doing it but I got ideas... tons of ideas for this and that, oh, and that.

Cristiano dancing with the Flamenco woman!!! Well, you could pen a sequel...? *g*
What i just said. Can't get anything done. Or not without severe pressure. Which might have something to do with the fact that I seem to be uncapable of keeping it short. :( But I'll try - after August, 2nd. ;)

[junalele.livejournal.com]

I actually did it. I wrote a tiny, cracky sequel because I kind of promised and far be it from me to back out of a promise... So I bring you:

Still no rain in Spain

*giggles nervously because like first fic ever*

[galerandyaddict.livejournal.com]

shit lol XD

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

*snorfle* Ta, luv! :-)

[wanderlost.livejournal.com]

♥

This was amazing!

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Thank you! Not half as amazing as you are! :-)

[angel-of-dublin.livejournal.com]

Haahha this is toooo funny, well done! :D

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Thank you, thank you! *does robotic corner-flag dance* :-)

[bird-or-devil.livejournal.com]

That, madam, was nothing short of a pile and a half of giggles, possibly a possum also. I couldn't tell and it scurried away before I quit laughing long enough to check. The precision of your satire is admirable, leaving me with but one question...

Is "squaffing" a word?

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Thank you most kindly. *bows* The possum in particular is highly appreciated as I am most fond of Australia and its fauna. Precision of satire -- *laughs and laughs* I didn't even know that this is what I was writing! Ah, 'tis why we post: we need the feedbackers to tell us what on earth we have been on about. *g*

As to the gerund 'squaffing': my concise Oxford does not include it and I can't be arsed to tromp downstairs to check the two-volume Shorter right now but the existence of the verb to quaff leads me to suspect very strongly that I may have unconsciously created a neologism there... Hah! But as you are the only one to have noticed, you get a prize of Cristiano's discarded rope belt! But, um, I think I'll just leave it as is. This fic doesn't seem to be the type to endure much revising... *gg*

Thanks so much again!! Football fans amaze me.

[bird-or-devil.livejournal.com]

*salute* Ah, 'tis less than nothing, my dear! I've often been jealous of the literary giants simply because they have legions of scholars to interpret their works for them. Granted, most are to preoccupied with pushing up daisies to enjoy the analysis, but the sentiment stands.

As a fellow grammarian to the point of riddiculity, I find such things to be the noblest of pursuits. Although I tend to stand in staunch opposition to any sort of nouveaux mot, this one is amusing and far superior to the balance of coloqualisms that float about these days. I cast my full support behind the verbal phrase and it's continued existence. Truly I shall hang this digital rope with pride!

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

*cackles and falls into a pile of pleats on top of Oxford Shorter*

[bohemianistah.livejournal.com]

OMG. *tries to breathe* LOLOLOLOLOL. I love your style and the hilarity of the fic. Indeed, well done. *CLAPS*

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Thank you, thank you! *takes a bow* It's so nice to get feedback for this piece of cracky silliness... *g*

[isasolan.livejournal.com]

rofl... This:

Not the matador munching on some tapas, not the flamenco dancer on her way home, not the little old lady in black dress and headscarf squaffing cerveza in the tavern.
killed me. hahahaha it's so stereotypical hahahaha

After that it was pure brilliance and I loved it xD Your style is really funny!

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Thank you for your kind remarks on my silly bit of crack! *gg* And yes, when canon knowledge is zero (or possibly totally untrue because who can trust tabloid paparazzi?), stereotypes come to the fore!! My 'research 'consisted in looking up Spanish words for 'toilet'. ;-p

*ambles off to read Cervantes*

[karneol-vision.livejournal.com]

Lol, I’m thanking my strange mind for making little movies to most stories I read, cause this was hilarious to watch ;D Aw, already the start was such fun, with Cristiano’s self-satisfied totally unrealistic judgement of his genius, lol. And yeah, all the cliché of the Spanish sleepy village, hehe.

But most of all the scene when Cristiano discovers Fernando ;D
They’re both so _screaming _dumb_! ;D
And “vociferated! Your choice of rather sophisticated sounding words makes it the more funny.

The friar peered at her. "Meu Deus!" he vociferated in Portuguese. "Is that you, Fernando?"

The little old lady glanced to the left, glanced to the right, then surreptitiously hoicked up the hem of her ankle-length frock to reveal a muscled calf.

"Genius," whispered Cristiano. "How'd you get the wrinkles to look so real?"

LOL!!!

And the part with the ass... I was positively reliefed when I read in the comments others had the same idea, hahaha.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Thank you, thank you! I can't believe how honoured I am by getting feedback that is almost as long as my fic...! The great thing about crack is that you can just let it all hang out and throw verbs like 'vociferate' at the wall without getting your head bashed in by the Hammer of Aesthetic Dissonance. *g* Yes, and you can even make bad-taste ass puns... After years in a world where half the people say 'ass' and the other half (incl. me) say arse, it was just too good an opportunity to miss...

;-p