depression kept at bay
Sep. 29th, 2006 10:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lobelia321Thank you, also, everyone who commented so kindly on my post about the procrastination disease. You will be happy to know that today I finished something! I finished the stupid revisions for the stupid catalogue text and emailed them off!! Almost five months late, but I did it! I feel so much better.
I think my procrastination angst was a symptom for a bout of depression. Other symptoms include hanging round LJ but not reading or writing fic, not listening to my music, not talking to t'h, not wanting sex, getting obsessed about FlyLady routines, going in a tunnel-vision way through my days and not noticing that everything is not fine. It's in retrospect that I can identify these things as symptoms. At the time, I don't notice anything. In a way, it's good to get to the nadir and feel superbad, because then I at least have identified the real problem. Last night, I felt so horribly bad that I felt like one of those frayed tulips, as if my finger tips had been dipped in hot wax, I felt all frail at the edges. This is the very bad Depressed Black Dog feeling.
I then took the procrastination as a sign of failure and hopelessness. 'I have a horrible job because that's all I deserve. I can't even get simple things finished; I am a total failure.' My self-esteem was minus fifteen.
Today I had lunch with a friend who has also been feeling very bad, and finished the thing (encouraged by t'h). I also had sex last night. I also went into town on the bike, not with the car, to get endorphin-producing exercise, and listened to the Dandy Warhols (or the Dandy Lions, as I call them) on t'h's pilfered ipod. All of these things helped, as did your kind comments. Now I feel much better!
:-)
I think my procrastination angst was a symptom for a bout of depression. Other symptoms include hanging round LJ but not reading or writing fic, not listening to my music, not talking to t'h, not wanting sex, getting obsessed about FlyLady routines, going in a tunnel-vision way through my days and not noticing that everything is not fine. It's in retrospect that I can identify these things as symptoms. At the time, I don't notice anything. In a way, it's good to get to the nadir and feel superbad, because then I at least have identified the real problem. Last night, I felt so horribly bad that I felt like one of those frayed tulips, as if my finger tips had been dipped in hot wax, I felt all frail at the edges. This is the very bad Depressed Black Dog feeling.
I then took the procrastination as a sign of failure and hopelessness. 'I have a horrible job because that's all I deserve. I can't even get simple things finished; I am a total failure.' My self-esteem was minus fifteen.
Today I had lunch with a friend who has also been feeling very bad, and finished the thing (encouraged by t'h). I also had sex last night. I also went into town on the bike, not with the car, to get endorphin-producing exercise, and listened to the Dandy Warhols (or the Dandy Lions, as I call them) on t'h's pilfered ipod. All of these things helped, as did your kind comments. Now I feel much better!
:-)
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-29 09:54 pm (UTC)I have a horrible job because that's all I deserve. I can't even get simple things finished; I am a total failure
Yes! I mean, I know what that's like, as you know. I had quite a bad weekend, not last weekend but the one before. It was as you say, where things had been building up but I hadn't noticed. It suddenly became very clear to me that every single decision I had ever made in my life was wrong. All was ruin and poison and disaster.
But I battled through, and I've been feeling much better since. I do seem to be much better at dealing with these attacks of nastiness now. *cross fingers* Today I wrote a villanelle! It wasn't very good, but it was fun to do. :)
(no subject)
Date: 2006-10-01 09:42 pm (UTC)That's the worst time, I find. Where you don't realise anything's wrong and in retrospect it was.
But I battled through, and I've been feeling much better since.
Oh, good on you!! And I don't even know what a villanelle is (a type of Sicilian poem for dancing?) but I am so proud that you wrote one!!
I can't say that I'm 100 per cent okay but I'm good enough at the moment. Keep on keeping on, as they say.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-10-01 10:28 pm (UTC)'Tis the only way, I fear.
Villanelle
Now I'm trying to write a sestina. Which is Extremely Difficult!
(no subject)
Date: 2006-10-02 09:13 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-30 03:37 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-10-01 09:42 pm (UTC)Thank you so much! :-)