I am 12, and not in a good way.

[lobelia321]

There is the possibility that t'h may get a job offer from Stanford University in California. We would not, however, be living in , my favourite house in the world.

Over the weekend, I had a good feeling about this. I was elated. I googled houses, schools and cafés in a state of high agitation.

Yesterday, I felt really, really low about this. I was almost depressed. I didn't know what to do with myself. I felt a hollow feeling of dread in my stomach. It was as I were already in California and having to pretend that everything was jolly and fine. "Hey, children, let's do something fun today! Let's ride on the rollercoaster at Santa Cruz! Oh, you'd like to have some friends over? Sorry! You haven't got any friends! We tore you out of your friendship circle!" I kept imagining a sun-drenched street, a strange maple-wood-panelled house with a scrawny yard and tanned men called Dean and Mitch coming up the driveway to help me carry in boxes.

This morning, in the shower, I identified what it was. I was experiencing all over again my move to Australia, and specifically New Year's Eve 1974. I was 12 (see subject line of post), and my parents went out to dinner and left me with t'young siblings to look after and have 'fun', with the special promise that we could stay up till midnight to watch the fireworks. I put on a jolly face but felt dreadfully lonely inside. T'young sibs fell asleep before midnight and were not to be roused. I stood alone at the window and watched the fireworks and cried. I had no friends! I was lonely! And this was what I was re-experiencing yesterday!

I am channelling my own 12-year-old self within the prospect of this move to California. Thank the divinities for Freud, eh? I do love the old rascal. How would we understand anything about ourselves without Sigmund?

His name, in German, btw, means 'victory-mouth'.

I feel slightly better, having figured out the psycho mechanism of my dread. Slightly.

Comments

[junalele.livejournal.com]

Yeah, always helps to figure out the hows and whys but it is a difficult decision. What's t'h's stand on things at the moment?

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Up and down, as bad as me.

[junalele.livejournal.com]

Wah. Well, it is a hard decision.

[maralily.livejournal.com]

I lived in California for several years and I have friends ALL OVER California. I will hook you up. Seriously. Don't worry. I got writer, artist, teacher, crazy, fun, cool, very welcoming friends and if you walked into their circle, they'd hug you and mean it.

Another note- California people are pretty loose and easy to make friends with. You will do fine!

I totally understand your fears though- look at MY case! I'm in Hungary- I don't know anyone.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

You're in Hungary? Why are you in Hungary, and since when?

Thank you so much for the offer of hooking me up on people! I shall memory this page and get back to you on it once we have come to a decision here one way or the other. That is a really nice generous offer.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

P.S. But your profile says you live in Panama?

Also: are you maramuffin?

[sheldrake.livejournal.com]

I was minus one in 1974, so things couldn't have been that good. I wasn't even alive yet, after all! That's probably what you were crying about really. The lack of me in the world. ;)

Are you still going to get to have a brief stay over there? That would help you a lot, I think. And of course, you'll have a lot more control over everything, now you're not 12! :)

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

This explains everything!!! I was pining away over the lack of YOU in the world.

Phew. I'm glad we got that cleared up. *stares at snow drifts piling up in garden*

Yes, I think you're right. A brief stay would help a lot at this stay. I'm otherwise stuck in a limbo. There's only so much you can do per google. And I have to keep remembering that I'm not 12 now, and that my children are not me at age 12. So it was good identifying that, though.

[sheldrake.livejournal.com]

my children are not me at age 12.

...and, therefore, you are not your own parents.

*grows Freud-style beard to stroke*

[isiscolo.livejournal.com]

Change is scary! You have to focus on "this is what I am gaining" rather than "this is what I am losing," and sometimes that's not easy.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Yes. You are so right. I'm not even sure what the 'what I'm losing' is at the moment (oh, I can pinpoint a heap of things but for example, work wise? I hate my institution!), but also I haven't really got a clue what the gains will be. And I'm very bad at being positive. Did you move once, and did you follow your own adage?

[isiscolo.livejournal.com]

In 1999 (er, with several years of planning) my husband and I sold pretty much everything we owned, including our house, and bought a sailboat, and traveled on the US east coast, the Bahamas, and the Caribbean for over three years. In 2002 we moved back to Colorado, the state we'd left, but to a town 350 miles from where we'd been.

[brightest-blue.livejournal.com]

It's hard to make such a huge decision! But as someone mentioned above, Californians are generally warm and friendly folks, and easy to get to know. Your sons, with their exotic accents, will probably be instantly popular! *hugs*

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

T'sons are worried about their accents! They fear mockery and that they'll have to drawl like Americans. Which they can do, of course, having been brought up on a constant diet of The Simpsons. They may well be in shock when they discover that not all Americans are bright yellow.

[brightest-blue.livejournal.com]

No, I think the accents will be a plus, especially with the young ladies. ;-)

And no, I haven't seen any bright yellow people with spiky (or blue) hair lately. Some pale yellows and greens as a result of the long winter and several flu epidemics, though!

[isiscolo.livejournal.com]

I have to second this. They will be adored for their accents.

[msilverstar]

You already know many lovely Californians, you just don't know you know us!

Stanford/Palo Alto is ridiculously expensive, and therefore full of quite pale people who think they're entitled to the best of everything: otherwise fabulous. Great food, bookstores, fantastic weather, excellent schools. Berkeley is far grittier and was back in your day as well

But! Stanford University is very rich, so t'husband should be shameless in bargaining for things like housing allowances.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

That's such a lovely positive Californian thing to say! I do remember that when I lived there last, I mocked the habit of saying 'Have a nice day' and used to make fun of it with fellow-Germans and other Australians. By the time I left, I was saying it to everyone!!!

It's the richness of Stanford that is a principal lure for t'h. The richness and the status/fame factor. Mammon!! I sometimes wonder do we need all those riches. We're okay here, and flights to Europe are so cheap, you don't have to be rich to visit the relatives 3 - 4 times a year. It's difficult!! But thank you for the positive vibes!

[maralily.livejournal.com]

I moved to Hungary from Panama in December of last year. Yep, it's me- maramuffin/Maralily

I just forgot to change my LJ profile.