Why am I not writing a novel?

[lobelia321]

It has been my dream since childhood to write a novel.



So why am I not doing it?

It is a frustrating bane to me. I am perfectly capable of writing a novel at the technical level. I am also capable of fitting it in with the rest of my life, as I proved during two nanowrimos last year.

But I am not doing it! I am not sitting down, several hours a day, writing! And I don't understand why not, and it's getting me down.

I angst. I procrastinate. I watch German daytime pretty-boys-kissing soaps. I post and comment on this lovely social networking site (as, I believe, we are now called). I watch Om Shanti Om. I faff about. I read a fic, I read a novel, I read another novel, I read a bit of semiotics. I'm not writing my academic papers, either!

I feel like a big fat loser. Which is a counter-productive feeling.

It's actually getting me down.

Because now that I don't want to be an academic any longer, what? What is the aim of my life? The drive? The purpose behind each getting up in the morning?

Comments

[forestgreen.livejournal.com]

We all go through this periods. At the moment I'm in a good place, but I remember going through a point at which I wondered if studying and working in my profession of choice was even the way to go. At that time I wasn't writing either, even if I thought that writing was the way out.

I know this sounds weird, but I started writing again when my work got so time-consuming that I stopped having the time to question if it was the right choice or not. And suddenly there I was, wanting to *write*, when I didn't even have time to sleep. And I went and did it.

Paradoxically, not having time to write, helped me to start making the time. It also helped that I came across Terry Pratchett's words "Everybody wants to have written" and knew he meant me.

It confronted me with the truth. All my dreams until that point where about wanting to "have written", but what I should have been aiming for was to want to "write". I put those words as background for my desktop. I read them every time I turn on my computer.

Whenever I feel like giving in, I remind myself that the goal is "to write" not to "have written." At times the writing is hard and more often than not I think is bad, but the more I write the better it gets and the easier it comes. Fanfiction is good for testing out your wings. Right now, this instant, I'm enjoying it. I know that the time will come in which I'll be back to procrastinating and feeling lazy and not doing anything, but I hope that I'll find my way out of there again.

My advise is don't be too hard on yourself. If you want it, it'll happen. And reading helps; it gives you the tools you will need to write later on. There will one day come the story that will make you want to sit down and "write", that story that no one but you have ever told, and you'll want to share it with the rest of us.

I hope this help some.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

All my dreams until that point where about wanting to "have written", but what I should have been aiming for was to want to "write".
You know, you speak from my heart here. This is absolutely true. I was thinking this only yesterday and thinking, god, it's so wrong to think this. It is very gratifying to hear that a prolific writer such as Pratchett came up with the phrase! Thank you very much for these thoughts.

The time thing is absolutely true. At the moment I have too much time on my hands. The empty hours fill me with dread and angst. Instead of doing, I think.

You're a very sweet commentrix. :-)

[viva-gloria.livejournal.com]

I hear you re having too much time. There is a reason I sucked up SG:A so quickly. This was supposed to be novel-revision time and short-fic-writing time and I have lost the knack of wanting to write, perhaps because I could do it at any time. Maybe the years of scribbling fic-notes in the loo were actually better for me creatively than having the time to sit and write the fics start to finish. Which, y'know, not happening.

Also I have lost the ability to construct a coherent sentence. :)

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Yes, I find that having more time is actually detrimental. More detrimental than having less time.

As they say: less is more. Turns out to be true in more ways than one. *looks at less-is-more architecture*

[isiscolo.livejournal.com]

I actually feel much the same way. Good luck sorting it out.

Me, I have no idea what I'd possibly write about. Isn't that silly?

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

It is silly! But I have very similar thoughts!! And I'm thinking, what is this? Why do I even want to write a novel? I'm not feeling the terrible urge and compulsion to get this One Story out of my system and onto the screen (well, I do have a little urge to get some Sheppard/wraith out on the screen, and some German daytime soap boys but apart from that...). I do have a number of ideas but I don't know which one to pick! So I desultory shove them about like peas on a plate.

[junalele.livejournal.com]

Ah yes, got intimately aquainted with that loss of orientation after finishing uni. PhD or not? If not what then? Am I even capable of doing a PhD? Is a PhD just my way of not facing reality? It was fun. Or not.
I hope you find the thing that will make it go "click!" for you, make things fall into place again.

Read the comment by forestgreen and so true the thing about wanting to have written something instead of wanting to write. I find that very true in my case.

But to at least try to be helpful - what does motivate you? Like, do you need outside pressure, a deadline? Like with the nanowrimos? Or do you need that spark of inspiration?
My therapists likes to tell me I should trick myself into working by telling me I'm not allowed to do this/read that till I've done a bit of work, set myself a deadline. Sadly, all that doesn't work for me but maybe it would for you?

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Oh, these are helpful questions! Outside pressure is fantastic for me. I can work wonders with outside pressure. Except who exerts outside pressure when it's a matter of writing a novel?? Or an academic book?

So writing the nanowrimos was fun while it lasted but then it wasn't. I don't know why I am not writing every day, as I did with the nanowrimos.

Also, reading the nanowrimos now they seem like crap to me so the problem is that I'm thinking a nanowrimo does not make me write a novel. It just makes me write a 50,000 word blob that then becomes a ball and chain around my ankle.

Meh.

How is your Ph.D. going then??

[junalele.livejournal.com]

Except who exerts outside pressure when it's a matter of writing a novel?? Or an academic book?
See? My problem exactly. I tried to put pressure on me regarding that movei script idea by promising myself to have it ready for some scholarship competition. Didn't work as work and the phd got in the way. Mostly I just didn't work on it, though.

But maybe you could try finding a group of other people wanting to write a novel. Surely there are groups like that? At least for me, the pressure to have something to present when that is expected is enough to get me going. of course, I'm totally not one to share my stuff because of paranoia and fear of being told it sucks, but maybe you're a bit braver than me?

PhD is actually going. Or well, I'm actually applying for various graduate schools after I finally, finally decided on a topic. Puh.