(no subject)

[lobelia321]

This will teach me. I had the notion that my LJ had gone eerily quiet and blamed it all on defections to DW. Then I read all the comments I got for a recent post and had to come to the sheepish conclusions, that it is not you who have defected but I who have been remiss.

I have buried Freinds in the depth of arcane custom filters and I have not commented as I ought and I haven't, in fact, a clue of what's going on in the worlds of fandom.

So, mea culpa and I am off to mend my ways. :-)

In other news, I have also had an identity crisis so scroll swiftly past.

We returned from our visit to California, and I plunged into feeling low. I realised I did not want to move to the United States. Or anywhere. Or even south of the river in the town I've lived in these past 19 years.

Then I realised that my life has been a waste over the past ten years or so, and that my career is down the toilet, my CV is a crap hole, I keep plunging from one depression into the next, the bloody things never seem to go away no matter how much fucking money I throw at them, and what's the point?

I have been labouring on this academic book for ten years, and why am I putting myself through this? I am clearly never going to finish it. I am not cut out for this job. Why am I even thinking that I want to continue banging my head against something that is not working? I keep thinking my life is at an end yet evidence tells me that people these days do live till 80, especially women (of whom I am one).

There was a time a few years ago when I was ready to switch jobs and become a novelist but then I chickened out and became depressed or something else boring and there was another thing that never happened.

I sort of wake up and do stuff because one has to, hasn't one.

Comments

[junalele.livejournal.com]

Identity crisises are never fun. I'm struggling myself between the marketing idea, which I'm trying right now and which is not really for me, academia, which I love but also hate, and yes, writing, for which I'm much too much of a chicken shit. I can't even comprehend how scary it must be with a whole family behind you and 19 years on top of that. Do you think that maybe the States could be a jump-start? Like when you're forced to start somewhat fresh? Maybe? Or the opposite, I guess. Damn. Where is that manual for life?

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

No. I don't want to go to America. I can't imagine living there at all.

But let's see. Let's see. Thanks for commenting! *smooches*

[junalele.livejournal.com]

Well, I couldn't either so yes. Completely great point.

Heh. :D

[sheldrake.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'm having a bit of an identity crisis myself, but I'm hoping it'll pass soon. I've been working towards moving house and then I moved and thought, "Well, this is all very nice, but I'm still in the same life." And I went from being very up and happy and full of enthusiasm for life to just feeling sort of flat and insecure and dissatisfied. But then, I have only been here a week. And moving house does tend to make me feel a bit funny.

Let's hope it's just a passing phase and we'll both start looking at things differently before long.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

I find the whole idea of moving house traumatic. I know that people do it all the time, but I cleave to the familiar. It is getting worse with old age, and I feel about 72 years old. This is what I thought about moving to California, exactly what you say: we'll move but I'll be taking myself with me so what else will be new?

Let's hope it's just a passing phase. I am hoping this but something will have to come out of this passing phase of mine. I feel I've been doing nothing but going in and out of passing phase since 2003.

[sheldrake.livejournal.com]

Hmm, yes. It's all a bit tricky, really, this life stuff. You'll have to come and visit soon, and we shall ponder these questions further.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Weekend or weekday? If weekend, Saturday is best for me. On Sundays, the car is needed here so would have to come by train. Which is doable, too.

[sheldrake.livejournal.com]

I can do weekends, or Mondays or Tuesdays (the Mondays and Tuesdays alternate, but I have one or the other free each week).

[kathputli-girl.livejournal.com]

Hmmm it's a good thing I didn't decide to wait until you moved to the US to mail you something. Hehe!
And I never have good advice or useful things to say when somebody is feeling down, so I will just give you a big "HUG" and say I like you and hope it helps a little. 8D

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Hug is a good one!!! :-)

[viva-gloria.livejournal.com]

When you're ready to take the next big step -- be it move or change of career or whatever -- it will seem so simple and obvious and good that you won't chicken out. Which may be a way of me saying "Don't beat yourself up about what you haven't done. Haven't done yet."

Am in backwater myself, though not drifting quite as badly as this time last year: moving from $OldPlace to $NewPlace has helped a lot. Though head-stuff is still in the way.