identity crisis

[lobelia321]

I saw my behavioural therapy counsellor today and feel slightly more robust than I have over the past few weeks. In a way, going to see one's therapist, I find, has a therapeutic dynamic all its own, or it does for me, as I gear myself up to the visit in advance. I guess it's a bit like when you have a cleaner: beforehand, you rush about the house, tidying up.

So yesterday I had a bit of a soul search. My confused thoughts were:

For about 6 years now, the academic book I am planning to finish has been a ball-and-chain around my leg. Two years ago, I was ready to burn all my notes and give up. I have over one six-shelf Ikea bookcase of notes and books, and I have a finished draft. It's the last 20 percent that I just can't seem to get done. I have tried all the tricks: doing a little every day; doing a lot every day; dividing it up into smaller tasks; timing myself; forcing myself to do it. I have put in hours and hours. No matter how many hours I have put in: the thing is still not finished. And it is depressing me.

It is starting to seem like doing the laundry. Every day one must do the laundry (or the washing up or whatever), and it never gets done. It is a daily habit. The book feels like this: it is like laundry; I have to do it every day; it will haunt me to the rest of my days.

So I thought, why keep banging my head against this wall? It is clearly not working. But if I give it up, I give up my dreams of being an art historian. (Note to non-academics: academics are expected to teach [which I do very well] and to do research [which is measured not in hours put in, nor in quality and intelligence of thoughts, but purely in output; output is publication]. By now, I have a hole in my CV where there are several years with no publications. This plus my age makes me not very employable.

But my dream is no longer my dream. I don't even want this career. But what else to do? That is the terrifying thing.

So I've made a tiny little plan of sorts: give up the book. Use the chapter I am working on right now and turn it into an article. Do this fast, with an end goal in mind. Then send this article to Art History (a refereed journal) and give it as a paper at a conference I'm invited to in January.

Then think no more about this. Instead, write fiction.

Write fiction in preparation for the Arvon Foundation one-week novel writing course I am doing in October.

Do nano in November.

I am very out of writing fiction of any stripe. I've not written anything since I posted Ichor in April last year. I thought I might write a bit of my rusty fanfic to get myself back into it. A lot of it simply involves copying handwritten notes into the computer. That should limber my fingers.

ETA: Also, be more involved in LJ fandom. LJ fandom is good for me! You are all good for me!!

Comments

[perverse-idyll.livejournal.com]

I know it's ridiculous of me to say this, because I don't really know you at all, but -

I practically jumped up and down when I read this part: Then think no more about this. Instead, write fiction.

Because that's what I longed to tell you in your previous post. Why? Because you are a brilliant writer. And of course writing fiction is no more secure a career than - oh, spelunking, I suppose. But if your old dream has died on the vine, give it up. Otherwise it will only drag you down. And one thing you know you can do: write. Far better than 99% of the population.

So yay! This is my impulsive and totally random reaction to this post, and it has more to do with me (as your reader) than any pragmatic knowledge of what's best for you. But I heartily concur and support this new direction!

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

But you do know me! And I know you! Or I feel I do. Sort of. :-)

You are the kindest, sweetest commenter. Thank you so much. I feel so encouraged. Thank you so much. The job security thing terrifies me because I guess, at heart, I still have that middle-class nagging suspicion that "it's not a real job, is it, dear?"

Thank you very much for speaking as my reader. I was thinking this today, actually, that what I really want is to connect with readers. And I've been doing that about 357 percent more with my fic (and even with my efforts at origfic over the years wot I showed to Real Life People) than with my academic writing which gets eyed with a critical attitude by about 4 people in the world.

[ukcalico.livejournal.com]

Oh! I did a course at the Arvon foundation when I was a teenager. Absolutely loved it- the attitude, the freedom and compulsion to write, the exercises indoor and out, the fear of reading freshly-written (unbeta'd!) pieces outloud, the dynamic energy of the place, wallpapered in poetry. I hope you have a lovely time!

And I'm glad you're feeling better than before. Hooray for tiny plans! {{{Lobelia}}}

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Oh, you did??! How exciting! I didn't know that. I am so looking forward to it! Who were the authors who taught you at yours? I'm getting Adam Thorpe (whose Ulverton I read some years ago and loved but there were two other books of his that I didn't even manage to finish...), Susanna Waters and Michele Roberts. Should I be nervous?? God, I have never read anything of mine out loud before. It's not something we do here in fanland, is it?? Unless we podcast.

Are you around anytime at all in London for a coffee? We haven't seen each other in years. And you're all growed up now.

[ukcalico.livejournal.com]

YES london coffee! Call me! I'm still on the phone number that ends 069, if you have that one...

Arvon - don't be nervous, be excited! :D

I did an Open College of the Arts course when I was languishing during recovering from 14yo glandular fever, and wound up doing Arvon through that. I can't actually remember (and all the paperwork's in Sheffield) what the course was called or who was running it, but it was creative writing -based and really excellent fun. Very very positive. I'd never read anything outloud either!

I love love love the Ted Hughes centre. Gorgeous place in beautiful surroundings. I'm sure you'll have an excellent time!

[junalele.livejournal.com]

That sounds like a great plan. Whee!!! And I can only second the bit about your writing being great - I re-read your Cristiano/Wayne story a few weeks ago. Still love it like crazy.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Juna! That means a lot to me! As it happens, I re-read CR/Wayne on the weekend and felt myself drawn into that wonderful mad summer of football craziness all over again. :-)

[junalele.livejournal.com]

It was a wonderful mad summer of football craziness. The boys are still being all lovely and hilarious with each other but somehow...it's not the same anymore.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

It never is with fandoms. *sighs*

[junalele.livejournal.com]

No, it really isn't. Oh well. The footie rps will still be always special to me - if only because it's the only fandom I ever wrote something in myself, which - btw - was your fault. ;D

[tvillingar.livejournal.com]

Thank you for sharing, this has made me think about some things in my own life.

In short, I need to figure out what my "book" is and how to either give up or use it to do something else.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

The counsellor said that it is quite usual for people to re-evaluate their lives every seven years or so. The thing is not to sit around and think 'I'm a failure; I've wasted my life' (which is what I've been doing) but to accept what happened and make a tentative plan about what to do now.

All the best with finding your 'book'! :-)

[kathputli-girl.livejournal.com]

Sounds like a good plan! 8D