If it's not one son, it's t'other

[lobelia321]

After the debacle of t'older son being menaced by a guy with a knife, I'm now worried about t'younger son. He's just started secondary school and has no friends, talks to nobody all day except 'annoying boys' whom he doesn't like, while all the other kids talk to each other and know each other from their previous schools. I feel terrible that we chose this school for him, knowing he'd be the only one from his primary schools to be going there. It's quite far from home, too; 25 minutes per bus. His brother is at the private school up the road. T'younger son's school is a state school.

When my son is unhappy, I am unhappy. I lie awake at night, worrying about this.

Comments

[kathputli-girl.livejournal.com]

Ooh that's a tough situation. Maybe he will start making some new friends soon though - it's pretty early in isn't it?

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

It's very early and part of me feels silly for worrying after only a few days but I am a mother so I can't help it! :-(

[droolfangrrl.livejournal.com]

Thank you for posting this 'cause I'm in something similar with my son, he's an only kid, 14, and just starting high school and last year it was "annoying boys" and he's not happy and waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

So sorry that this is happening to you, but nice to know I'm not ALONE in this.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

What are you doing about it? If anything?? Does he have friends in high school or is he 'the only one'?

[droolfangrrl.livejournal.com]

NONE! *flails*

We moved here a couple years ago. Neither hubby nor I are good with making friends and Jon.... he just.

I so don't want to think about this. :( He get's teased and he doesn't know how to deal with it and he's aaaaaaaaaaa

I try telling Jon what I've learned over the years part of what you get out of something has to do with your attitude going into it. Stuff like that. *crosses fingers*

sorry.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Sometimes it's horrible being a parent. It's very heartstring tugging and especially, as they get older, there is nothing you can do about the day-to-day actual happening of it. We chose the school, we can give advice and encouragement, but I cannot be there with him in the class room. Another mother told me breezily that it is 'character building' but this means nothing to me: as far as I'm concerned, our son has loads of character already.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, too! *hugs you* *hugs self!*

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

OK, you might be interested in hearing about this: T'h and I were so distressed by t'son's distress that we contacted his brother's private school and found out that they still had a place free and that t'son had just about passed the entrance test (long story) and that he could start on Monday! And then, when we told t'son, he burst into tears and after long talks, said that he liked his new school, liked the teachers, thought the school had good facilities, thought the school was 'brilliant' except that he didn't have friends, thought he should give it more time, that he had already had a better day than last week, that he had met one okay boy to talk to...

In short, he was about ten times more mature than we, the gibbering heap of parental fail, and shamed us into realising that we wanted to march on in there and 'fix' his life but he is actually willing to forge on and put up with some unhappiness.

Anyway.

What about at your end??????

[msilverstar]

Middle school (age 11) was where it all went wrong for teenboy, so I dunno what to say. I guess, if he's miserable, do something fairly quickly: I think if we'd been more active around November, we might have headed off quite a lot of awfulness.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

As I told droolfangirrl above, we did do something drastic by immediately ringing his brother's private school and finding out they still had a place available (long story; we refused a place earlier on) and that t'son could start on Monday! But to our surprise, t'son burst into tears upon hearing this and revealed, after a long talk, that he thought it was much too early and too disruptive to leave his school, that he actually liked his teachers and his lessons and the facilites, that the school was 'brilliant' except for no friends, that he was willing to forge on, that the days were already better.... in short, he shamed us into admitting that he was about ten times more mature than us, the gibbering heap of parental fail.

On the other hand, we also thought it's best to act quickly and use the window of opportunity right at the start of the school year. But now we've decided we're all going to be committed to this new school and that's that.

What would you have done with teenboy if you knew then what you know now???

[msilverstar]

wow, that's the best question no one's ever asked me.

At 11, I wish we'd taken it more seriously, he wasn't sleeping much and was always miserable. Screaming fights most mornings about going to school are not healthy. He couldn't articulate his problems, and we could have done some family therapy, partly because that would have indicated it wasn't just him, that we were all in it together.

We should have have more discussion with boy and his primary teacher together instead of separately (teacher was intentionally overloading them to teach them how to prioritize). We should have done that often enough for it to be normal. If that didn't work, I think we should have taken him out of that class. Possibly changed his school to the other one where some other friends went.

Sigh. regrets abound.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

How old is teenboy now, and what school is he in? And are you happy with his situation as it is now, or still unhappy? Or newly unhappy?

Parenting is so difficult! You think it's tough when they're babies and scream all the time, and then you find out, that is nothing. That bit of screaming is annoying, yes, but easy.

[ukcalico.livejournal.com]

I don't know all the details, and I'm not a parent, but it's probably the lesser of two evils to stick it out. Lots of people find it hard to break into cliques, but it'll be the same in most schools. If it's anything like my secondary school was, it'll take a few weeks for the newness of everything to stop being somewhat terrifying (to everyone) and for most people to relax their panicked grip on their old friends and start making new ones.

Mine was a state school in Sheffield and the diversity of people and behaviour and backgrounds was in turns exciting and scary. When I was going through a rough patch my mum offered to move me to the local private girls' school, and I refused, because now I'd gone to all the trouble of searching out and getting to know my new friends I wanted to keep them.

I hope it gets better soon! :)

[ukcalico.livejournal.com]

and omg, menaced with a knife?! that's terrible! {{{{lobelia}}}}

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

I know!!!! And you've seen our street: it has speed bumps! How can speed bumps not keep away knife crime?? T'older son has to go in for a parade line-up ID (!!!).

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

O wise one!

Here's what we did: we rang t'son's brother's private school and found out that there was still a place available (he'd already sat the test, long story) and that t'son could start on Monday! But then, to our somewhat humbled surprise, t'son came out with more or less the arguments you cite above: he liked the school, he liked the teachers, he liked the lessons and facilities, the school was 'brilliant' except for no friends, already the days were getting better, he didn't want more disruption, he was willing to forge on and stick it out, as you say.

We collapsed in a gibbering heap of parental fail, faced with this ten-times-more-mature-than-us position, and cancelled the place at the private school. So now we're all committed to this new school, and we parents resolved to try and stop 'fixing' t'sons' life by making him run away from problems. And it's totally true, as you say: I'm sure all those kids now seemingly such good friends with each other are all clinging to familiar faces because they are themselves petrified.

I think the diversity in schools goes like this: the big state schools have a middle-class (incl. us and t'son) and a chavvy rough element; the private schools have a middle-class (incl. us and 't'older son) and a posh toff element. So the diversity never goes across the whole spectrum; it's just that we're not used to this new state school diversity (t'son has already witnessed a fight and hears the f word all the time; not something we are used to from t'private sector and from their genteel Catholic primary school!! -- and he's claimed that there's a 'druggie' at his school, something that impresses private-school older brother no end).

So I think in the end he'll be tougher for it, and skilled at navigating these social situations -- once he's got his pathetic parents under control...

[giglet.livejournal.com]

I know that feeling, too. My son went through this last year.

At first we thought it was bullies, but the real problem was being outside of all the cliques, and not really wanting in to any of them.

If it is any consolation, the situation has passed, and now our problem is keeping his social life from interfering in his studies.

We did a couple things, some of which worked, others... may have worked, I don't know.

We encouraged him to put more effort into spending time with the one or two friends and acquaintances that had always treated him fairly well.

We encouraged him to put more effort into the dance group, which was an entirely different set of people than school. (His school life was still miserable, but it wasn't his entire life.)

We encouraged him to join a couple clubs. In the end, he didn't join any, but he and some other kids started organizing a new club for afterschool gaming. It never came to fruition, but just working on it together was enough fun that the kids didn't mind.

He changed his image. With our blessing -- and sometimes cooperation -- he went Goth. He wears almost exclusively black, with combat boots or high-top (black) sneakers. He started growing his hair out and wears black nail polish. He looks like a bad boy who doesn't say much, but with friends and girls and parents he's still a pretty sweet, articulate, kid. He's very clear on the concept that he's wearing a costume. (This approach does brings him problems dealing with adults who don't know him well, but by and large it has worked out for him.)

We encouraged him, at all times, to act confident of himself, even if not of his abilities in a new situation. We've tried hard to teach him to know who he is, where he's from, and where he stands. That and his karate training seem to help him present himself as self-confident and in control of himself, which gets him out of a world of potential trouble.

Good luck with t'son.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

You know, it is so helpful to know that we're not the only ones. As I said to several people above, we panicked so much that we got t'son a place at his brother's private school, due to start on Monday! But then, to our humbled surprise, t'son himself protested at this and said that he wanted to stick it out at the new school so we're now all committed to forging on at his present school, and we as parents have had to realise that we wanted to march on in there and 'fix' his life but he was about ten times more mature about things than we were.

The thing that you say with having a life outside of school is a really good point. I just spent an hour on the phone arranging a weekend social life with t'son's old primary school friends, and it also turned out that one of his old friends plays football with a boy who is also new at t'son's new school, so they are going to meet up on Sunday.

It's as you say with finding the types of people you get on with: being outside the cliques but not necessarily wanting to be part of them!

And your son is now Goth? Wow. Intriguing that it's a genuine choice and can be really helpful.

It is sometimes so exhausting being a parent, and having to deciding for them (or thinking you have to), and having no clue what's right to do and what's wrong sometimes.

[giglet.livejournal.com]

It is sometimes so exhausting being a parent,

It really really is.