rageful and upset venting about personal shit

[lobelia321]

Here is something that came out of left field today: t'h who moved out in October is in a serious relationship (already?! I'm thinking) and may well remarry. I had suspected this yesterday when he was unexpectedly eager to file divorce papers, had them all with him, printed out. So I asked today over the phone if he wanted to remarry and it seems probable. The new partner apparently thinks he's "the one" for her. Why would he even be telling me this? Last time we met, before I went for a 2-week visit to my sister who is undergoing chemo for breast cancer (just another jolly thing in my life, hah), he had been shocked and resistant at the very idea of official divorce and more or less tried to dissuade me from even seeing a solicitor (I did see one for an initial consultation). I now want to jump the gun and serve *him* with the papers just to regain a measure if control but am also aware that I am allowing him to manipulate what I am feeling and perhaps giving in to pettiness. I feel angry (why did I put up with shit all these years and be swayed by his misery and avowals of eternal love when it takes him mere months to enter into a new relationship?), deluded and inadequate (if this woman finds he is "the one", why did I not find it?), envious (how come he as the successful soon-to-be-*knighted*, for fuck's sake, *man*, gets to have an adoring new partner while I struggle to come to terms with it all in my lonesome?). Also mixed: after all, I don't even want another man in my life right now. And I don't want him back so it needn't hurt me if he has someone else. But it was so out of left field, finding this out. I can't help havin ridiculous uncharitable and unfeminist surges of rage against this woman: clever her! getting her claws into the hapless man, telling him he's "the one", wanting to meet me and being all sympathetic. Hah, I remember now when I first got together with t'h at the tender age of 17 he used to drone on about his ex-girlfriend who had dumped him and I listened patiently, thinking myself very cunning in being so sympathetic.

I also know that wives and perhaps even ex-wives of 33 years' standing and mothers of sons have the upper hand over recent new woman friends so this woman must also be anxious. But why am I even thinking about this? her? him?

I'll go to bed and try to sleep. Last night I dreamed about meeting her (I've never met her irl an do not want to) and speaking Finnish to her (she's a Finn) at their wedding. I will have to plan something spectacular on the wedding day, go on a trip to distant climes - unless they marry in the middle of the semester, rotters.

She's really none of my business and tomorrow I will start devising strategies to cope but tonight I just needed to vent!!! FUCK!!!!!!

ETA: T'h has had other women before but these never bothered me deep down as I was always rock certain that I was Number One. He professes that I am still Number One. I'm thinking: no, I'm clearly not, what is this manipulative bullshit? And also: why would another woman want to marry a man who professes still to love his wife? Also: once t'h *marries* someone else I am quite obviously not Nr 1. As t'h and I were together 33 years, the sense of being Nr 1 has defined my adult life. So this is very unsettling at a deep level as it's not really about him, I guess, or her but about myself.

Comments

[princessofgeeks]

I am so sorry. What a mess.

[lobelia321]

Thank you; you're right about mess. Just as I was getting my life into an even keel, he derails it. Yet again.

[lobelia321]

Mess is the right word. Thank you, princie!

[msilverstar]

Ouch, that's deeply stressful and sad. I think you've been married so long that it's hard to disentangle yourselfness from togetherness. And what co "love" and "Number One" even mean to him? Not the same as to you, so, wtf? You get big internet hugs from me, and you can email, if you want a shoulder to cry on.

[lobelia321]

I would like that, to email you. Is your email on your profile?

[msilverstar]

yep it's ms at msilverstar evenings & weekends

[lobelia321]

Thanks!!

[lobelia321]

Couldn't find your email only the LJ email: should I use that? msilverstar AT livejournal dot com? Or is it ms AT msilverstar -- but doesn't it need a .com or an .org or somesuch??

[eyebrowofdoom]

Wow, yeah, I have limited relationship experience myself but I can imagine that would be a total headfuck. It is super hard to have the feelings that your better self thinks you should have in these situations - don't be too hard on yourself! <3

[lobelia321]

Hi hon, so nice to see you here. Gosh, it's like old times. I have decided I can give my better mature self a holiday for at least this weekend. :-*

[ithiliana]

*HUGS*

Email me too if you'd like to vent more and talk more--I am SO sorry to hear this is happening. So enraging.

Take care!

[lobelia321]

Thanks! Commented also to you on LJ!

[lobelia321]

Remind me where I can find your email? Is it in your profile?

email

[ithiliana]

HI there: I cannot remember how it all works.

So I decided just to reply here: ithiliana AT hotmail.com will work!