jealousy vs envy (personal shit)
Jul. 3rd, 2015 12:22 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lobelia321Just some personal crap. Nothing to see here. :-)
I've been starting to use DW and LJ as a personal platform for venting. Kind thank yous for those who've been commenting but feel free to scroll on by for more fun stuff and fic. :-) I'm going through a difficult time right now and feel it helps to try and articulate my thoughts and feelings here.
Ever since I found out that t'h is thinking of remarrying and that the relationship he's in is not a casual dating one but "serious", I have been tormented with jealousy and envy, and having obsessive thoughts about this woman. I don't like to be this person. I try to be mature and have mature thoughts. I try to be rational and tell myself, "I don't want him back." I listen to those wise friends who've been telling me it's his right to find a new partner and now that we're separated, it would be good if I could let him go and make my own life good. I realise that I'm allowing his behaviour to invade my mind and for these un-good thoughts to squat in there.
But how do I stop these feelings? I can do it sporadically, for a few minutes at a time but then they come back. I wake up at 3 in the morning and there they are! I had a dream about how he had this amazingly fantastic new life in this huge new house that t'sons hadn't even told me about, and when I visited I was just persona non grata -- woke up again and couldn't get back to sleep.
I had never pegged myself as a particularly jealous person. So this is something I've had to learn about myself these past 2 weeks. I've not had to deal with it before, so now I have no experience to fall back on. Anyone out there with helpful tips on how TO MAKE IT GO AWAY?
Jealousy and envy: what is the difference?
The internet (Psychology Today) tells me the following:
Envy occurs when we lack a desired attribute enjoyed by another.
Jealousy occurs when something we already possess (usually a special relationship) is threatened by a third person
And so envy is a two-person situation whereas jealousy is a three-person situation.
I feel jealousy: I feel there are now 3 persons in this relationship whereas before there were 2. I also hate with a bitter sick feeling knowing that this new woman has been integrated in a pretend-family kind of way with t'younger son who apparently is seeing a lot of her, incl. dinners a her house. I have a policy of not asking him about her (he drops hints now and again) so I am tormented even more by wild imaginings by what goes on. I have always felt that I 'possessed' t'husband's heart, even after he'd left home, and now this woman is taking that away from me.
I feel envy: Why don't I have a new relationship? Why am I a middle-aged hag while the man (of course) collects the younger women around him? Why does he have a girlfriend who lives in an enormous house on De F Street with a beautiful garden and well-appointed rooms (I don't know her house but I know the types of houses that are on De F Street). At the same time: I was so relieved when t'husband left our home with his desperate need for it to look impressive to guests. I desire the attribute of apparent sexual attractiveness that t'h has, and I seem not to have.
OK, I make myself sick just typing this petty horrible stuff. I don't want to have these horrible feelings! But I find it so hard to get over them.
It's like a thorn in my flesh, festering. And I don't know how to yank it out.
I've been cutting contact and avoiding him when I run across him. But I miss him. For 33 years, conversation and exchange have been part of my life as a constant background static. He is the first person I told when my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer earlier this year. And now there is nothing, empty air, no communication at all. SoI don't want to harm t'sons who might like us to hang out together now and again; I don't want them to have to pussyfoot around any mention of him.
*pounds head against fic-laden kindle*
Sorry, people, I am rather self-obsessed at the moment. I hope it will pass. It's horrible.
I've been starting to use DW and LJ as a personal platform for venting. Kind thank yous for those who've been commenting but feel free to scroll on by for more fun stuff and fic. :-) I'm going through a difficult time right now and feel it helps to try and articulate my thoughts and feelings here.
Ever since I found out that t'h is thinking of remarrying and that the relationship he's in is not a casual dating one but "serious", I have been tormented with jealousy and envy, and having obsessive thoughts about this woman. I don't like to be this person. I try to be mature and have mature thoughts. I try to be rational and tell myself, "I don't want him back." I listen to those wise friends who've been telling me it's his right to find a new partner and now that we're separated, it would be good if I could let him go and make my own life good. I realise that I'm allowing his behaviour to invade my mind and for these un-good thoughts to squat in there.
But how do I stop these feelings? I can do it sporadically, for a few minutes at a time but then they come back. I wake up at 3 in the morning and there they are! I had a dream about how he had this amazingly fantastic new life in this huge new house that t'sons hadn't even told me about, and when I visited I was just persona non grata -- woke up again and couldn't get back to sleep.
I had never pegged myself as a particularly jealous person. So this is something I've had to learn about myself these past 2 weeks. I've not had to deal with it before, so now I have no experience to fall back on. Anyone out there with helpful tips on how TO MAKE IT GO AWAY?
Jealousy and envy: what is the difference?
The internet (Psychology Today) tells me the following:
Envy occurs when we lack a desired attribute enjoyed by another.
Jealousy occurs when something we already possess (usually a special relationship) is threatened by a third person
And so envy is a two-person situation whereas jealousy is a three-person situation.
I feel jealousy: I feel there are now 3 persons in this relationship whereas before there were 2. I also hate with a bitter sick feeling knowing that this new woman has been integrated in a pretend-family kind of way with t'younger son who apparently is seeing a lot of her, incl. dinners a her house. I have a policy of not asking him about her (he drops hints now and again) so I am tormented even more by wild imaginings by what goes on. I have always felt that I 'possessed' t'husband's heart, even after he'd left home, and now this woman is taking that away from me.
I feel envy: Why don't I have a new relationship? Why am I a middle-aged hag while the man (of course) collects the younger women around him? Why does he have a girlfriend who lives in an enormous house on De F Street with a beautiful garden and well-appointed rooms (I don't know her house but I know the types of houses that are on De F Street). At the same time: I was so relieved when t'husband left our home with his desperate need for it to look impressive to guests. I desire the attribute of apparent sexual attractiveness that t'h has, and I seem not to have.
OK, I make myself sick just typing this petty horrible stuff. I don't want to have these horrible feelings! But I find it so hard to get over them.
It's like a thorn in my flesh, festering. And I don't know how to yank it out.
I've been cutting contact and avoiding him when I run across him. But I miss him. For 33 years, conversation and exchange have been part of my life as a constant background static. He is the first person I told when my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer earlier this year. And now there is nothing, empty air, no communication at all. SoI don't want to harm t'sons who might like us to hang out together now and again; I don't want them to have to pussyfoot around any mention of him.
*pounds head against fic-laden kindle*
Sorry, people, I am rather self-obsessed at the moment. I hope it will pass. It's horrible.
(no subject)
Date: 2015-07-02 11:26 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2015-07-03 06:34 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2015-07-03 10:40 pm (UTC)I think the key here is in this sentence: "I have always felt that I 'possessed' t'husband's heart, even after he'd left home, and now this woman is taking that away from me."
You didn't grieve the loss of the relationship when he moved out and you broke up or even divorced (I don't know the details; forgive me), because you had this feeling that he was still in some way yours, still special.
So now that you are clear that he has in some way "replaced" you (people can't be replaced, really, but you get my drift), all the feelings of breaking up are truly coming to the surface now. And you can't believe it. You can't believe it's really over, that you are not the ONE. That HE is not THE ONE.
He was such a huge part of your life for so long that it's almost inconceivable that your connection could be totally severed.
What worked for me was therapy; I had to realize that my idea that he was the only one for me, that no one else would ever love me, that no one else could give me what he did -- that all those ideas were actually not true. It was hard; I had to keep reminding myself that I could stand on my own and exist without him. We were so intertwined for so long that it seemed impossible that I was anything at all without him.
But I was.
I spent some time revisiting who I was before I met him; what I liked, what I did. What ME meant outside of his influence. But it took time and gently reminding myself that I was totally okay and enough and healthy without him. I had given away far too much of my power to the relationship. I thought the relationship was the air I breathed. I had to fake it for a long time. But eventually I got over it.
I hope the same for you.
(no subject)
Date: 2015-07-04 08:02 am (UTC)Interesting what you wrote about goin na k to what you were: I met t'h when I was 17 so this feels as it's not an option; I can't and don't want to revisit my life in puberty! But it's also a journey of figuring out what I really am.
xx
(no subject)
Date: 2015-07-04 11:47 am (UTC)I wish you all the best.
(no subject)
Date: 2015-07-03 05:20 am (UTC)b) I apologize for not emailing, it's been a complicated month
c) this is where a therapist or counselor can be enormously helpful, in giving you some ways to deal with the overwhelming emotions. Please see if you can find one?
(no subject)
Date: 2015-07-03 06:37 am (UTC)