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birthday blues
Nov. 9th, 2005 01:55 pmEvery year it's the same. I feel melancholy around my birthday. This time t'h luckily headed it off by whisking me off for a secret surprise birthday dinner almost a whole week before the event (well, it wasn't that secret as I actually came up with the idea for the restaurant and not so surprise, either, as I rang the babysitter but it felt secret and surprise!!) but still, a few days later, right on schedule, came the melancholy. It's not the getting older so much, that happens every day of the year after all and the only time it really bothered me was when I hit forty but that was also the year I found out my mother had been suffering from depression for all of my life and what a shocker that was.
It's more the having to relinquish control. My own birthday is the one thing I can't plan and control, unlike other people's birthdays and Christmas. I have to be passive and hope for the best and that others will do the needful and I am bracing myself for disappointment because deep down I actually don't believe that others will ever be able to give me the birthday of my dreams. I am a big control freak and I find it unsettling not having the control. Also, I always have such high expectations and then I steel myself and force myself to have very tiny expectations, and then I get into a knot over all of this so, bingo, melancholy sets in.
Ah well, 27 more hours and the whole thing will be over. Phew.
Hm, FlyLady would probably say, yes! You can celebrate your own birthday! But I'm just not quite there yet.
But: I did today send off my amazon order for my sister's and her family's Christmas present. *falls down in amazement at self* This has never happened before! My sister hasn't had a Christmas present from me in about a decade, yet she sends a huge parcel for all of my family every single year. And this year I sent off her parcel in early November. *pinches self in shock* Now that didn't make me feel melancholy at all! (Thanks to, wait for it, Stepford FlyLady's 'Holiday Control Journal'.)
Also, I had a d'uh moment today. I spent all morning in a frenzy, filling in an application form for a residency fellowship at a research centre in Connecticut for next May. Then I finally re-read the heading 'Fellowships 2006/07', and it dawned on me that this may possibly mean the academic year and therefore May 2007, not 2006 at all. Which is when I no longer have a sabbatical. Double d'uh!
All of this meant I did no marking yet I have a huge pile, argh.
Some of you have very kindly tigged and fb'ed and I will get back to you, I promise!
Also, I read two cross-overs, and they were really very intriguing; one, by![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
trinityofone crossed Pullman's daemons with Stargate, and one, by isiscolo crossed Stargate with HP, and this latter one was strangely convincing, with an ingenious plot premise. (This is pathetic reccing craft, I know, not even a link! *slinks off to be melancholy some more in bed*)
It's more the having to relinquish control. My own birthday is the one thing I can't plan and control, unlike other people's birthdays and Christmas. I have to be passive and hope for the best and that others will do the needful and I am bracing myself for disappointment because deep down I actually don't believe that others will ever be able to give me the birthday of my dreams. I am a big control freak and I find it unsettling not having the control. Also, I always have such high expectations and then I steel myself and force myself to have very tiny expectations, and then I get into a knot over all of this so, bingo, melancholy sets in.
Ah well, 27 more hours and the whole thing will be over. Phew.
Hm, FlyLady would probably say, yes! You can celebrate your own birthday! But I'm just not quite there yet.
But: I did today send off my amazon order for my sister's and her family's Christmas present. *falls down in amazement at self* This has never happened before! My sister hasn't had a Christmas present from me in about a decade, yet she sends a huge parcel for all of my family every single year. And this year I sent off her parcel in early November. *pinches self in shock* Now that didn't make me feel melancholy at all! (Thanks to, wait for it, Stepford FlyLady's 'Holiday Control Journal'.)
Also, I had a d'uh moment today. I spent all morning in a frenzy, filling in an application form for a residency fellowship at a research centre in Connecticut for next May. Then I finally re-read the heading 'Fellowships 2006/07', and it dawned on me that this may possibly mean the academic year and therefore May 2007, not 2006 at all. Which is when I no longer have a sabbatical. Double d'uh!
All of this meant I did no marking yet I have a huge pile, argh.
Some of you have very kindly tigged and fb'ed and I will get back to you, I promise!
Also, I read two cross-overs, and they were really very intriguing; one, by
trinityofone crossed Pullman's daemons with Stargate, and one, by isiscolo crossed Stargate with HP, and this latter one was strangely convincing, with an ingenious plot premise. (This is pathetic reccing craft, I know, not even a link! *slinks off to be melancholy some more in bed*)