how to write badfic!dialogue, lesson nr. 1

[lobelia321]

If you want to write badfic!dialogue, it might be helpful to take a leaf out of the most cherished examples of same.

For instance:

"I was getting changed, and you were watching me with your eyes on stalks, your tongue hanging out, and your groin humping a schoolbag."

I didn't know what to say.

"You know I'm not making it up," he said. "Why do you think I picked you as a friend? I knew from the start that we were... similar."

"What are you talking about? What do you mean similar -- are you saying I'm gay?"

"No -- I'm just saying that we shared a degree of confusion. That's why we were attracted to each other."

"Attracted?"

"YES!"

"You were attracted to me?" I asked.

"Not as much as you were to me -- but I thought you were OK. Have to admit -- I prefer your brother."

"I can't fucking believe this! Everything's happening at once. It's too much."

"Mark," said Dan, "nothing's happening at once. It's all been unfolding with exceptional slowness over the last two years, but you've just been too thick to notice anything until it's jammed down your throat. What the hell did you think I was doing spending all that time in Harrow? Admiring the architecture?"

"I can't believe it! This is all too much. I can't believe that my brother and my best friend are both gay. It's unbelievable!"


Badfic, you say? Published badfic!!! It is from page 185 the novel New Boy by William Sutcliffe, published by Penguin!!!

*tosses book into Oxfam bag*

*palms face*

I don't know: badfic affords mild amusement when it's online, especially when I see my flist ranting on about it but in published format, it makes me want to vomit. Someone paid money for this??? (And it was me, too! Lured by the sultry cover! )

Well, I can but blacken this author's name. Heh, the online policy of niceness I pursue with respect to badfic!authoresses doesn't hold, I find, when it comes to real, published, he-got-royalties-for-this fiction!! In the words of the author himself: I can't believe it!

If you cannot see why the above is execrable, let me know and I shall rant on in 'How to write badfic!dialogue, lesson nr. 2". *gg*

Comments

[annephoenix.livejournal.com]

*stares*

*stares some more*

Have you read the passages that got the "bad sex" award this year? Hilarity guaranteed. Makes our Sue-authors looks like Nobel literature prize candidates.

*stares some more*

Sorry to leave such a random message in your journal, but it probably doesn't matter... because I prefer your brother anyway. I mean, don't get me wrong. You're ok. But your brother *roooar*...

(hopes to deff that you don't have a brother, or that if you do, he's at least overage and relatively attractive *giggle*)

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

No, what bad sex award? For fanfic or for published fic? And does it have a 'weeping cock' in it? Or the phrase 'Bed! Now!'??

hopes to deff that you don't have a brother
What does 'deff' mean? *clueless but everything's happening at once, you know*

Bad Sex awards

[annephoenix.livejournal.com]

Here I dug this back out of the archives - about 2004 bad sex awards.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/arts/4091643.stm

deff=death. My attempt at being funny. Unfortunately it went flat :(

....spluttering at icon is good or is bad. Have had surprisingly adverse reactions to it, but most people leer and try to grab the chain the sneak off with my Harry. *changes icon just in case you're of the former faction*

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

And, um, your icon... *splutters*

[crazybutsound]

Hahahahaha! Dude, I read the first line and was all like "OMG! Someone ripped off William Sutcliffe's New Boy for a fic!" Then I actually read your post.

The funny thing though, is that I read that book as an amusing piece of sarcastic literature, I didn't think it was badfic at all, lol. I really quite enjoyed it. Not to the point of remembering it perfectly now, mind you, but it was a fun read. Much much better than say... Mary Renault's writing, which is just plain bad and pompous without the excuse of being sarcastic or parodical, lol.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Oh, so you read that book as being a parody! I think I need a lot more sophisticated clues and sheer funniness to convince me of parodic status here, I'm afraid.

[crazybutsound]

Well, nobody says I was right to read it as parody, but yes, that's how I took it, which made it a funny read. Now, of course, it could be a very serious book and if I were to ever tell the author I was reading it as a parody, he might be offended... or not. Can't tell. But I did read it that way, and recced it to a couple of friends who did read it that way as well, lol.

[brightest-blue.livejournal.com]

but you've just been too thick to notice anything until it's jammed down your throat.

Heh. Am twelve.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

I can't believe it. I can't fucking believe it. Oh, did I mention that I can't believe it?

Or should that be beleive?

[giglet.livejournal.com]

It doesn't work for me at all.

But I still think it'd be instructive to hear your rant on in 'How to write badfic!dialogue, lesson nr. 2".

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Flatterer. You just enjoy seeing me hop around ranting! *g*

[sheldrake.livejournal.com]

I agree. Published badfic is not funny, it's just annoying.

However, am addicted to actual badfic. Particularly HP badfic.
I joined a community called babb_chronicles and it's been a source of much glee. For instance, how can anyone resist this sex scene:

Fevered, feverish thrusting, pumping, losing, gaining, gaining greater speed, moaning, yelling, screaming out into the forgotten world, into the unseen void, their boiling, rising greatness. Hearts pounding, bodies pounding into themselves, the racking pulsing beat of their love, lovemaking unbelievable sensation of themselves, giving, giving of themselves. Reaching, reaching for it, building, falling, falling away, almost there. Grinding, pushing pulling legs arms jumbled into hot, wet flesh, hair flinging sweaty, mouths clinging tongues churning, yes.

Or indeed a line such as:
"Are you threatening me miss?" Vernon said madly. She smiled "why yes I am because 1 I'm a full witch and 2. I'm a god and 3 in the guardian of earth so don't piss me off," she said meanly

Or:
My friends I have found her. I have at long last found my daughter and I have found her at long last.

I will stop now.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

This I needed! Yes, yes, and yes for online bad!fic.

Oh, I was feeling so down tonight and this has cheered me up no end.

*wipes tears of laughter from eye (literally!!!)*

how can anyone resist this sex scene
Nobody can resist this. Nobody.

(I've just re-read the line about 'at long last' and am snorting all over again.)

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Omg, I've just looked at that community you mention. I'm joining!!!!!!

Valdimort! (has helpless laugh attack). There's a German children's story with a dachshund called Waldi which is pronounced Valdi and the images this conjures up!

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Sheldrake, just one last tig: you've got me helplessly laughing here. So much so that t'h called up the stairs to ask if I was all right, I was making such strange noises. But: Valdimor! Nacrissia and Luscious Malfoy! Uncle VERSION!

O my god -- *slides off chair*

Thanks so much for this. What a tonic. I shall never complain about online bad!fic ever again. (Well, to be fair, I never did much.)

[sheldrake.livejournal.com]

Hee, well, I'm so glad it was successful. Honestly, the cheering power of that stuff is phenomenal. :)