bad!fic alert! *gg*
Sep. 5th, 2002 01:05 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lobelia321Apparently, there is a Billy/Dom marriage fic around. I haven't read it, I don't intend to read it, but ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
gabbyhope gave a nice little plot outline of a putative Billy/Dom bad!fic so who am I not to rise to her challenge? *g*
Billy/Dom marriage bad!ficlet
The wedding chapel was full of guests. Everybody was there, and everybody was weeping with joy. Everybody being: Orli, Lij, Sean, Viggo, Ian, Ian, John, John, Dick, Pete, Fran, Liv, Cate, Hugo, Craig, Marton, Kermit, Bill and Ben the Flowerpot Men, Gilligan, Buffy, Bart, Homer, Maggie, Harry Potter and Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer.
But where were the grooms?
In the vestry, Billy and Dom were having a dispute about Billy's flower.
"It's simply the wrong colour," wailed Billy.
"Fuck no," disagreed Dom.
"Yes, it is," reiterated the Scot.
"Fuck no," iterated the younger man.
"It's yellow, and yellow doesn't go with my suit!" vociferated the older man.
"Fuck yes, it does," opined the Brit.
Suddenly, Billy stopped. He looked at Dom. He gazed upon Dom's beautiful grey eyes. He stared at Dom's soft blond hair. He became transfixed by Dom's smooth skin, toned abs, slender torso, shapely legs -- all encased in a fine blue suit of immaculate cut, a crisply starched shirt with turned-up cuffs and gold cufflinks in the shape of hobbit-feet, double-stitched cross-woven pure calf-leather brogues and 95 % cotton / 5 % elastan white-and-yellow striped socks.
How could he think about flowers at at time like this? This was Dom, the man he loved! The man he was going to spend the rest of his life with!! The man he was going to walk down the aisle next to!!! The man whose children.... er, rewind that last one. But anyway, the man he... Whatever! He was Dom!
"Oh, Dom!" cried Billy.
"Fuck, eh?" questioned Dom.
A single tear trickled down Billy's cheek.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I just love you so much."
"Fuck, and I love you," cogitated Dom.
Soft lips fell upon soft lips. Their tongues caressed each other. Billy forgot all about the flower as his senses were overwhelmed by the loveliness of Dom's beautiful kiss. The kiss was like fairy floss, like almonds in sunshine, like tequila on ice, like a Mars bar with icing, like vanilla marinated in honey.
Church bells pealed. The two grooms broke apart.
"Come on," emanated Billy. "Let's go inside. I'm ready now. Are you?"
"Fuck no," ululated Dom. "Look at this bloody hyacinth. It doesn't go at all with my socks."
And they bickered happily ever after.
The End (thank god)
A/N: I apologise for anything tasteful that may inadvertently have crept into this fic.
Read and tremble.
I just couldn't resist.
Mwuahahahaah!
gabbyhope gave a nice little plot outline of a putative Billy/Dom bad!fic so who am I not to rise to her challenge? *g*Billy/Dom marriage bad!ficlet
The wedding chapel was full of guests. Everybody was there, and everybody was weeping with joy. Everybody being: Orli, Lij, Sean, Viggo, Ian, Ian, John, John, Dick, Pete, Fran, Liv, Cate, Hugo, Craig, Marton, Kermit, Bill and Ben the Flowerpot Men, Gilligan, Buffy, Bart, Homer, Maggie, Harry Potter and Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer.
But where were the grooms?
In the vestry, Billy and Dom were having a dispute about Billy's flower.
"It's simply the wrong colour," wailed Billy.
"Fuck no," disagreed Dom.
"Yes, it is," reiterated the Scot.
"Fuck no," iterated the younger man.
"It's yellow, and yellow doesn't go with my suit!" vociferated the older man.
"Fuck yes, it does," opined the Brit.
Suddenly, Billy stopped. He looked at Dom. He gazed upon Dom's beautiful grey eyes. He stared at Dom's soft blond hair. He became transfixed by Dom's smooth skin, toned abs, slender torso, shapely legs -- all encased in a fine blue suit of immaculate cut, a crisply starched shirt with turned-up cuffs and gold cufflinks in the shape of hobbit-feet, double-stitched cross-woven pure calf-leather brogues and 95 % cotton / 5 % elastan white-and-yellow striped socks.
How could he think about flowers at at time like this? This was Dom, the man he loved! The man he was going to spend the rest of his life with!! The man he was going to walk down the aisle next to!!! The man whose children.... er, rewind that last one. But anyway, the man he... Whatever! He was Dom!
"Oh, Dom!" cried Billy.
"Fuck, eh?" questioned Dom.
A single tear trickled down Billy's cheek.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I just love you so much."
"Fuck, and I love you," cogitated Dom.
Soft lips fell upon soft lips. Their tongues caressed each other. Billy forgot all about the flower as his senses were overwhelmed by the loveliness of Dom's beautiful kiss. The kiss was like fairy floss, like almonds in sunshine, like tequila on ice, like a Mars bar with icing, like vanilla marinated in honey.
Church bells pealed. The two grooms broke apart.
"Come on," emanated Billy. "Let's go inside. I'm ready now. Are you?"
"Fuck no," ululated Dom. "Look at this bloody hyacinth. It doesn't go at all with my socks."
And they bickered happily ever after.
The End (thank god)
A/N: I apologise for anything tasteful that may inadvertently have crept into this fic.
Read and tremble.
I just couldn't resist.
Mwuahahahaah!
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2002-09-04 05:02 pm (UTC)BWAHAHAHAHA!
(no subject)
Date: 2002-09-04 05:12 pm (UTC)breathe
Date: 2002-09-04 05:15 pm (UTC)Sorry I haven't replied to your email yet but I will! Bald!
Re: breathe
Date: 2002-09-05 01:18 pm (UTC)I did that with Shadows -- managed to use Vollkornbrot. Fun, yo. Oh, and you do know "Eisgekühlter Bommerlunder," right? Another one which will be used.
Don't worry about the reply. I'm, uh, the Queen of Unanswered Emails and Comments, so really, I'm quite good at understanding the demands of Real Life.
And now I shall force myself to write more Contest Fic. If I don't finish till tomorrow, I won't.
Hey, random question: Are you going to the Ring*Con?
(no subject)
Date: 2002-09-04 05:18 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2002-09-04 05:18 pm (UTC)Lobelia, you are amazing. Scary, but amazing. "Fuck, eh?" HAHA!
Remind me to post more incredibly horrid badfic challenges in the future, yes? Heehee... Kermit and Harry Potter... *dies*
glad
Date: 2002-09-04 05:50 pm (UTC)Re: glad
Date: 2002-09-04 07:02 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2002-09-04 05:47 pm (UTC)*giggles madly*
Lovely. Though what was in the parentheses after The End was exceedingly tasteful. However, given that it came after The End, I don't think it counts. Sorry. Am thinking too much.
(no subject)
Date: 2002-09-04 06:11 pm (UTC)Horrid beyond all reason. Good job!
(no subject)
Date: 2002-09-04 06:13 pm (UTC)I think the finest touch was Billy's X-ray vision, seeing Dom through the suit. A particularly nice touch.
(None of the Aussies got invited to the wedding. Well, Hugo did, but still, I'm insulted. *g*)
aussies what aussies?
Date: 2002-09-05 03:53 am (UTC)(the genre of bad!fic, of course -- as if Australians would deign to star in such a text...!)
(no subject)
Date: 2002-09-04 07:18 pm (UTC)Homer Simpson...the suit...*dies*
Oh yes. Bad!fic at its true best.
*mwah*
(no subject)
Date: 2002-09-04 08:12 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2002-09-04 10:11 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2002-09-04 11:05 pm (UTC)That was so beautiful, Lobelia. I am crying all down my floaty pink negligee, tears puddling in my vast and perky cleavage, my perfect nails tapping out this message of lurve on my keyboard in the family mansion..
Okay, but I still want the cufflinks..
T
(no subject)
Date: 2002-09-04 11:46 pm (UTC)Paws off,
(no subject)
Date: 2002-09-05 03:03 am (UTC)*honk*
never
Date: 2002-09-05 03:54 am (UTC)*swoons picturesquely in sidelines*
*but actually has about a dozen hankies to give away, not just one... ack*
Re: never
Date: 2002-09-05 05:31 am (UTC)In a, ehem, de- and reconstructed sort of way.
Re: never
Date: 2002-09-05 06:06 am (UTC)Re: never
Date: 2002-09-05 06:06 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2002-09-05 01:14 am (UTC)Bwah!
Date: 2002-09-05 02:57 am (UTC)Can't think of much to say, as I am still laughing and imagining Dom in the blue suit with hobbit-feet cufflinks.
Thanks
Rach
x
(no subject)
Date: 2002-09-05 06:08 am (UTC)And I fell over laughing.
Excellent- or truly wretched, whichever- job, Lobelia. :)
(no subject)
Date: 2002-09-06 03:53 am (UTC)Thank god I only skim the digests and normally skip all DomBilly fics. Morbid curiosity forced me to troll the CTB archive, though, and I wanted to poke my eyes out w/ a fork after speed-skimming the original story. Eurgh.