orgasms (what else?)

[lobelia321]

Musings on the need for orlandish stamina in slash fics

Question: How many orgasms should slashmen have per page? (Thanks to ladymoonray for prompting this deeply philosophical question some months back now.)



My answer: The orgasm scale

- if vampire: orgasm every 5 pages sufficient because sexy enough without
- if Domlijah: must have orgasm every paragraph, otherwise boring
- if threesome: must be simultaneous
- if ent: must have orgasm every ten years
- if elf: must have copious, very long orgasm every 500 years
- if Orli: no fewer than 2 per minute will do
- if Karl or Harry: must be searing
- if Ian Mckellen: allowed to be chaste
- if fern: fronds will do
- if manly man: orgasm must be violent and hard
- if Elijah: orgasm must cause spots behind eyes
- if Elijah again: orgasm accompanied by squeal
- if Billy: must be despite himself or cute
- if Dom in curlfic: no orgasm permitted, must watch and suffer
- if Christopher Lee: what's orgasm?
- if Peter Jackson: um

EDIT: (thanks to badgermonkey and lj user="pecos">

- if Geoffrey and Mr Wainthropp: takes place off-stage
- if Sean Bean: only if he can convince partner that he's *really* thinking about a woman

Comments

[tvillingar.livejournal.com]

*falls off the chair laughing*

[andraste-oz.livejournal.com]

*joins you on floor laughing*

I'm laughing because of both Lobelia's magnificent orgasm scale and your icon, btw :)

icon

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Yes, icon impressive, especially curlicue writing!

Orgasm scale indefinitely extendable, btw. *gg*

[tvillingar.livejournal.com]

The icon is from lotricons but I can't remember who made it... bad me :(

[poornapoleon.livejournal.com]

But what about Geoffrey and Mr W?

[badgermonkey.livejournal.com]

You're obsessed with them! You are! No one can resist their siren call!

Er, anyway...G/Mr W orgasms mostly seem to take place off-stage, as it were, and are thus a moot point. If you want some, you'll have to write some :g:

d/g

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

The actual image of an actual orgasm of either Geoffrey or Mr Wainthropp makes me feel all, I don't know, strange and wobbly inside.

Am getting too genteel for my own good. Otoh, Wainthropp fandom place of suggestion, allusion, innuendo. Not part of base terrestrial, er, urges.

Mwuahahhaah.

Maybe one day I'll actually get around to describing the milky substance.... ergh, am strangely overcome again. Perhaps in the bookverse it's different...?

This is a riot!

[abandonada.livejournal.com]

Sorry to intrude into your journal but this scale is great! Totally accurate.

I love your fiction by the way. Your "Helping Hand" series is one I read again and again when I want to be swept away. I know this isn't the proper place for feedback but you got it anyways. Keep on writing!

Re: This is a riot!

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Oh, intrude away, this was not a locked post after all! *gg*

And thanks so much for your kind comment on my Billy/Dom/Orli saga. That one sucked the soul out of me and I'm still roaming fandom, looking to get it back... :-)

[ladymoonray.livejournal.com]

You are so evil, keeping our conversations and bringing them back to haunt me like this! I'm sure we had more definitions than that though, so I'm off to ponder....

evil

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

I know but I edited some out, they seemed too offensive for a public forum... Am model of politeness, you know. *g*

Heehee, but wasn't that a fun conversation??

Re: evil

[ladymoonray.livejournal.com]

Don't edit them out! Or send them to me and I'll post them!

I KNEW there was more, and had a feeling it was the slightly more explicit ones. They deserve to see the light of day too, you know.

It was a fabby conversation, and I'm so glad you remembered it because it had gone clear out of my brain (along with other, much more important, stuff).

[shinysparkly.livejournal.com]

*gigglesnicker*

I needed that laugh. Thanks.

Am now off to reread own fics to make sure they adhere to the scale. *grin*

adhere

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

*snort* As far as I can recall, your fics are mostly way off any scale!! *gg* No scale can contain the Val-power.

Hope novel is going well!

[azewewish.livejournal.com]

Hmmm...only once every 5 pages?

I think Jo & I need to add a few sex scenes...*winks*

*grins at manly-men & Harry/Karl orgasms*

*whistles innocently at Orli orgasms*

depends

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Hm, depends on how you define 'pages', I guess... Print-outs are infinitely manipulable! As are orgasms, for that matter...

[badgermonkey.livejournal.com]

It was silly of me to read this in the computer room at uni; suppressed snorting *not* attractive sound. It was the fronds what done it.

[hjartad.livejournal.com]

Weeeird. I walked past some people today and I heard... "Orgasms?" "Yeah, orgasms!" And then I see this hilarious post. Brilliant!

[lilithlotr.livejournal.com]

Thanks--you made my day! I really needed that laugh.

And btw, *my* Serena is definitely not chaste. But Elijah does squeal...

Oh, thanks VERY much...

[pecos.livejournal.com]

I've gone and peed myself, and now must go change clothes.

What about Sean Bean? I would suggest that he has orgasms only when he can convince his partner that he's REALLY thinking about a woman.

Re: Oh, thanks VERY much...

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Sean!! Am adding this in an 'EDIT'!! This is too good!

[jenfr.livejournal.com]

- if Dom in curlfic: no orgasm permitted, must watch and suffer

but, but, no - *sputters in quiet incoherence for a moment*

... he did have a fabulous one in the end, though!

[jb_slasher]

Holy hell! *drops to floor laughing so hard it hurts*