thamiris again

[lobelia321]

I continue to think about the death of thamiris, about what she meant to me and so many others, about what an LJ death means and how we are figuring out how to deal with it. When a rl person dies, people go to a funeral, and this provides some sense of closure. I remember how important the funeral of his mother was for t'h. We LJ Friends don't have this option, especially in the case of someone like Thamiris who was very private about her real life and, as far as I know, met very few (if any?) of her LJ Friends irl. I thought I'd like to do something akin to wreath laying, e.g. by posting a virtual gift to her profile page, and lo! Many others had already thought of this, and there is a veritable forest of trees and flowers and chocolates there. This touched me strangely. I thought, everyone's sad and everyone's struggling with how to express it, so we're stumbling our way through this.

Also, I've been thinking, and I know others have found this too, how strange it is that I don't know what Thamiris looks like. This, it used to be thought, was a fundamental part of knowing someone. But in the LJ world this is not so. When a rl person dies, we remember what they look like, we gaze at a photo, and we also remember the places where they used to go. When I think of Thamiris, I think of her as her default icon, and when I think of her where she used to be, I picture in my mind the LJ lay-out, with the menu bar and the icons and the 'post comment' signs, and always the 99 'comments posted' that greeted her every post because she was so beloved.

So this is what thamiris will forever be to me:



Her default icon. I feel strange posting it, hence the lj cut.

Comments

[eyebrowofdoom.livejournal.com]

I know! That's her, with the clouds of red hair, and the thingie! It's so silly.

I am considering printing/saving all her fic and doing something with it; I don't know what yet.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

People have been talking about wanting to do something, a memorial, something. Do you have any ideas?

[ook.livejournal.com]

I once attended an online wake for a guy I knew only through his work on zines. Basically, a bunch of friends and fans got together on a MUCK for the service. A few RPers wrote up a nice ceremony and some other folks gave speeches. I think there's still a virtual statue dedicated to the guy that was left on that MUCK with some of the speeches saved as objects that you can look at (read the speech). It was very touching.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

This sounds like a nice idea. I wonder how one would go about doing it. A comm on LJ? Comments in Thamiris's last post? Do you have any ideas?

[ook.livejournal.com]

In the LJs of past people who have died, their friends simply comment to the deceased's last post. That way their comments are always connected to the one who is gone.

Naturally, no one could tell Thamiris's family about the LJ posts since her fan life was separate from her real life. It's best not to mix the two. Livejournal will actually protect the LJs of someone who has died, but I'm not sure what the rules of doing so are. You have to remember that the RL family can't be involved. Families often misunderstand and will step in and delete the LJs of the deceased. :(

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

No, it is good to remember the family/online divide, especially if the person gives no indication that their family was ever involved. (I have now given my husband my password and intend to make a little set of instructions for me, should this ever be needed.) I've noticed that a lot of people did say that they knew her online in the Canadian obituary guest book -- I hope that is okay; I did the same.

I don't know if people have actually commented in Thamiris' LJ; maybe I will go and have a look. I have to say that this spooks me, like talking to a dead person. So it's not something I would myself want to do; I'd want more of a memorial for those of us who are still alive and wish to share our memories and affection for her. But this is maybe just me. :-)

[ook.livejournal.com]

Perhaps it would be best to create a commenmorative LJ community and place one post on her last entry to point people to the special community?

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

That is a really good idea. That way anyone just driving by would be able to find it.

Thamiris

[sealwhiskers.livejournal.com]

I hesitated long before I decided to approach you in your journal...but I have also thought about Thamiris for days. I wasn't really into fandom, I basically only read her and very few others. But she and I have been on each others lists for years. I don't have any other common friends, so I really do recognize the loneliness you're talking of.
I'm writing to you...because I'm interested in whatever effort might be made to either save her website, or to create a memorial website of her work and internet person. I'm not sure if anyone is planning such a thing at this stage...but I'd sure be willing to put both some time and money into it. But I wasn't ever a partaking person in any of the fandoms that were so vital to her. I wish I knew some of the people who did a lot of work with her there.

Would you be interested in something like this, or am I totally off my mark?

Re: Thamiris

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Thank you for talking to me. :-) I have very few common friends with other people on Thamiris's flist. It's interesting that you are in the same position; it sort of shows us now how wide Thamiris spread her net, not just within the one fandom or community of people. I have no idea what efforts have been made to save her website or how one even goes about doing that. Is it a paid website, then, that has to be maintained? I also have no idea about memorial websites; I've never encountered such a situation although another person above made a comment about a memorial she attended years ago pre-LJ. I wonder if an LJ comm would be a nice thing to have? Then people could post whatever they wished. And if one should do it on a particular day or just whenever? And how to publicise it? What are your ideas? I'm fairly luddite when it comes to sites outside LJ and even within LJ I use the basic lay-out, and that's about it. It would be nice if people could give vgifts to remember Thamiris -- I did find it oddly touching to see all those flowers and gifts on her now defunct userinfo profile page.

Re: Thamiris

[sealwhiskers.livejournal.com]

I feel a similar problem that might be affecting many who want to preserve some of her internet person & writing for future memory, is that not many feel they are the ones qualified to start this little project up. In my case I have felt that some of her fandom friends would be more suitable...but who am I to know? I only know that the website is beautiful and will probably be put down within months (unless it's free), and all that writing will be left in the hands of those friends who had the sense to save it. (I'm saving some of it, just in case)
I...wouldn't know where to start, but one way would be to ask someone who might know, if her website is free or not. If it is a payed one, the stories could be transferred somewhere else for free, with the same kind of beautiful design she picked out while she lived.
And from there, one could build a community..but mostly I think it would be a shame if her stories disappeared from the Internet.

Re: Thamiris

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Have you seen Norwich's comment here? She mentions a memorial.

[norwich36.livejournal.com]

I've been collecting people's memorial posts about her here (http://www.livejournal.com/tools/memories.bml?user=norwich36&keyword=thamiris+memorials&filter=all), if you're interested. mecurtin suggested a memorial community here (http://svmadelyn.livejournal.com/456305.html?thread=6659185#t6659185), though I don't know if anyone has done anything about it yet.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much for these links. I've linked Sealwhishers and Mecurtin to each other.

[sealwhiskers.livejournal.com]

I really liked this idea, thank you so much for collecting these posts, it's comforting to read through them. I wrote about here here (http://sealwhiskers.livejournal.com/93619.html) and came in contact with sangueuk (from your collection) that way, it felt good.

[norwich36.livejournal.com]

I'm so happy you found them helpful. I found myself obsessively searching for them immediately after I heard the news, because I, too, felt somewhat alone in my grief and I wanted to hear what others had to say. If you come across any other posts that aren't linked there, please let me know and I will add them. (Oh, and I've added yours--thank you for the link).

[simplelyric.livejournal.com]

It's helping me, a bit, to read her Friends page and see entries like this, to see people remembering her and -- as you've said -- stumbling our way through this. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Thank you for commenting. A lot of people seem to be doing as I did: cruising round to others' LJs and getting in touch. Norwich above has linked all the memorial posts she could find.

[ndancer.livejournal.com]

I did get a chance to meet her, once, and I think she would love it that you will always picture her that way. Believe me, she didn't pick that image by accident. In particular, she was very proud of her masses of curly hair.

I too am having a hard time dealing with this loss. Although we weren't as close in recent years, she was a hugely influential person in my life. Anyone who thinks that internet friends aren't real friends doesn't understand how important someone can become even though you never meet them or only rarely.

I wish I had people who knew her to hug. I wish I had a memorial service to go to. I feel very alone in my grief, and I'm sure many, many others do as well.

Virtual hugs to you.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

You met Thamiris? I would love to hear more and see a photo, if you have one and feel it would be appropriate to share it. So she really did have all that hair! It makes me sad to think that she probably lost a lot of it during chemo; she only alluded to her trials in her posts but it must have been hard. Some people are pondering a memorial site; it would be nice if this could be interactive so people could leave comments, give vgifts, whatever they wished. The thing about internet loss is also that it is a very daily reminder: I look at LJ almost daily and every time there is no Thamiris icon on my flist where there always was before. It's an intimate relationship and also a part of one's daily life, I find.

[ndancer.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry that it took me so long to respond to this. It's been a busy week.

The con where I met her was in NYC about 7 years ago. I talked a little bit about the experience in a post in my own LJ. I'll try to recall more if you're interested.

As for photos, I know I had some photos post con, but I can no longer remember whether Tham was in any of them or whether they were all of the celebrity guests. I also can't remember whether I had printed photos or digital ones. I'll try to look when I get a chance. If they're digital, they were stored on the computer before this one, but I believe I saved a bunch of stuff from that hard drive.

[sealwhiskers.livejournal.com]

There is a photo of Thamiris up at her obituary's photo album that bears a significant resemblance to her favorite icon.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I just looked at this photo. It made me feel very sad.